I am in pain. My back/hip area is fucked up. It's the kind of pain that makes you nausea. Looking forward to standing for eight hours straight at work tonight. In a bit of a funk also. Not sure why. It could be the ass numbing pain, but I feel like it's more. The word restless is coming to mind. Hmmm...
It rained today. It is very exciting. Here rain will become snow and snow in Tahoe equals money. Everyone needs money. Whooohoo Rain!!!
It hasn't rained here in about 4 months. I live in the desert 6500 ft above sea level. Rain makes things green and grow. Everyone likes pretty green trees. Yay Rain!!!
My car broke down. Today. Why today? Because it is fucking raining and colder than Billy Graham at a GLBT mixer. Everyone hates car trouble.
There are certian words that you do NOT want to hear when you are having car trouble. Words like: Brakes, wiper fluid, air pressure, trunk are neutral and register minimal dollar signs in your brain. However words like: transmission, heater coil, radiator and alternator are not good.
I got the "a" word. Yep, my alternator is fucked.
The most ironic part is that this part new plus labor is about as much as I paid for my POS 1988 (and a half) Ford Escort hatchback.
Currently, I am stranded at work with my boyfriend. I'm barely hanging on to my sanity waiting for the inevatable Borgasm.
I am not dead, I have not fallen off the earth. I didn't run away to Bali, Greece, of India. I am alive and mostly well. I promise.
My fater called me this morning. He's called me twice in the past week. I realized that this was bad. He never calls. Ever. I'm glad he's concernced.
Fishy and Gina's phone message have gone from "Hey, what's up..?" to "Where are you... and then something about a police report"
My ex (twice), brother (twice), roomate from college (four times). The list is distressing.
Thank you so much for the love. I'm sorry I haven't been able to talk. Bad cell phone reception, evening work schedule and a resurgance of my depression have contributed to a "Don't want to do anything" mind set.
I'll hopefully be getting a computer in a week or so. And I now have a desk to put it on. I guess I've gotten used to moving that a I'm at a lost in my new (improved) stationary life.
Lately, I have been doing some serious work. Emotional work that is. I have found myself dealing with issues that I shoved away so long ago I actually neverthought I would see them again. Haha. I can't candy coat it. The places I've gone to are not pretty and I'll spare you the details. I know every semi-functional human being goes through this and I know that I will come out stronger. Welcome to Sucksville, USA. Where my traumatic childhood lives.
On a better note. I have found some enjoyment in trying to be a kid again. I bought a piano and have played it more this week than I ever did taking lessons. And my wonderful boyfriend sent me a link to Lite Brite
I was denied my creative possibilites by my mother who did not want to pick up all the little pieces of the Lite Brite. I'd like to add I never got my pony/horse either.
Thought a little eye candy would be nice for Hump Day. Mmmmm....
Ladies click here
And here's something for everybody....
Greenapril, your breed of dog at work is a Border Collie
You don't give up and that's your key to success. Though people might not always expect it from you since you're so sociable in the office, you've got success on the brain and won't stop short 'til you get there.
Bored? Try http://www.tickle.com A quiz for everyone and every mood.
Here what I'm wondering: If I'm a Border Collie at work, why can I not keep a job?
My boyfriend bought me this incredible gift. It's a ball that you make ice cream in. One end you put the ice and salt. The other end you put the will be ice cream goodness. You throw it around for about 20 minutes and 'viola' you have ice cream. Fun and Yummy!!
Last week we were making ice cream and I metioned that, as a child, we had an electric ice cream maker. We would make ice cream during the winter because the snow was free. Aidan replies: 'In college, I used to put snow in my bong.'
Not much you can say to that can you? So, there you have it ladies an gentlemen, The Snow Bong.
TRACTOR DRIVER (part time)
Drives funky old International Farmall Tractors with attached passenger trailers in the parking lot, picking up customers and safely transporting them to the Main Lodge or their vehicle.
Must be friendly, courteous and safety-minded. Must have Driver's license and clean driving record. Must be able to negotiate tight parking areas without hitting people or other vehicles.
It's called "Where is Greenapril Living Now?" This is an old game for those that have know me for more than a year, but I thought I would let some of my newer peeps try. (A discussion on whether I have any friends will follow the game.) The three hints are:
1.) I cannot receive mail
2.) My dog loves it here
3.) It's hella-cold
4.) If you read my blog you would know
Can't think? Have no clue? A campground. I'm living at Goose Meadows Campground. It is an adventure. Or at least that is what I'm telling my mother. I actually don't mind. I love being outside and this is excellent excuse not to take a shower for a few days.
Why am I living in a tent? Couple of reasons. One, SVA sucks. See "To Whom It May Concern" Two, I was living with my boyfriend (of three months) and quickly realized that is was a bad (BAD!) idea. Three, I don't really have a job and only a little bit of savings. A tent is cheaper than a hotel room and my relationship, so here I am.
My mom would flip.
Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.
I found this on http://www.nataliedee.com Check it out!!
Dear Mr. President,
You are honestly the worst president we have ever had. I feel my IQ (along with my state and federal mandated test scores) drop when ever I hear you speak. Even when you bought your way (again) into office, we (The thinking citizen who didn't vote for you.) never thought you could fuck up this much. Get your shit together and be a decent human being for once. About what? Take your pick: Katrina, Iraq, Afghanistan, Gas Prices. Pick one. Make it better asshole, that's your job.
Dear Mr. Construction Worker,
You made my week. I will always prize watching you do the "Robot" while directing traffic on Brockway. You are awesome and deserve a raise. ROCK ON BROTHER!!!
Dear Tourists Sitting In Front of Me In Construction Traffic,
THE MAN IS DOING THE ROBOT!! CHILL OUT!!! YOU WILL GET YOU YOUR WINE TASTING PARTY ON BUFFY'S YACHT SOON ENOUGH!!! YOU HAVE BEEN TO HUNDREDS OF THOSE MIND NUMBING PARTIES TO BE IN A COMA!!! HE'S DOING THE ROBOT!! SOBER!!! IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET!!!
Dear SVA,
Thank you for not renewing my contract for the fall semester. You obviously have no loyalty to your employees and feel better fucking with someone else. I also appreciate you lying to my when I asked why you didn't renew my contract. It was wrong of my to think that the school would still exist if I let obnoxious and disruptive ADHD teenagers listen to music on their headphones during study hall to do (gasp) their homework!!! I hope you found some poor sucker to put up with your shit 30-40hrs a week (more like 50 to 60) for less money. Good luck with running a school like a McDonald's.
PS-Come to think of it I would rather work for you MD. You are at least organized and provide good benefits and care at least a little. Maybe a seedy hourly motel/casino would have been a better comparison.
PPS-I really like the headmaster's brand new $40,000 Volvo. It seems like yesterday when my director told me we had no money for toilet paper.
PPPS- Yes, I am still mad about all the times you made me move. I lived out of my car for a fucking week and I'm homeless again. I hope the karma bus drives over you and then backs up!!
All responses can be sent to:
Greenapril
c/o Alpine Valley Campground
Martis Creek Lake
Truckee, CA 96161
Most my days I spend with these beautiful amazing creatures I am cleaning up after them. However, this week, I had the oppounity to ride (YES!!). Twice (WHOOOOHOOOOO!!!!). I was in heaven. The first day, I spent four hours on Moon, it felt like twenty minutes. Not sore at all, I went back on Wednesday for a three hour trail ride.
The owner and I have plans to ride again next week after the holiday. I'm estatic. I'm in "heart".
It didn't get any better. The crankiness. It arrived on Friday and like an unwanted house guest stayed way too long. It was my evil twin. I can't come up with a better explanation. Hormones: No. Stress: No. Boyfriend: No. I found myself saying and doing things that are very very unlike me. The overwhelming frustration fed more frustration, anger and general ulginess.
Every stressful situation has a breaking point. Mine was not pretty. Aidan decided to take his best friend and I mountain biking. I'll be nice and say his judgment was off. I am not an experienced rider (neither is his best friend) and for some reason he felt we could handle a 14 mile trek on the side of a mountain. Two miles to the end I wiped out. Big time.
The pain was incredible. Stabbing ice pick pain in my knees, Followed with a nice dose of salt. It felt like someone had actually skinned my right arm and my shoulder, nothing left but raw muscle and tendons. The non-technical term for it is "Road Rash" and it hurts like a mother%^$*&@!! My tattoo didn't even hurt this bad.
I'll probably be getting the "Oh my God, you poor thing, that is disgusting" look from my boyfriend for a couple more weeks, but today, I can actually walk without wincing and the evil twin is gone.
I am cranky. There is no question about it. I got up on the wrong side of the bed. Or couch as it was. I spent the last four days camping near the South Yuba river, sleeping in a tent. I have never slept so well in my life. On the ground. In a sleeping bag.
Last night. Back to civilization. Sleeping in a bed. Good right? No. It was bad very very bad. I felt so claustrophobic and stressed out. The walls were closing in on me. I escaped to the couch in the living room. And was welcomed by a lovely cat sleeping on my head. GARRRRRHHHHGGGHHH!!!!!!
If anyone can answer the question why I had a pusedo panic attack after four days of vacation. I would be happy to know, please.
So, armed with the intense pervasive crankiness that only comes with lack of sleep I start my day.
Goddess help us all.
Well, ladies and germs, I am back in Tahoe. My adventures have taken me far and wide. I have relaxed, de-stressed, slept, ate and drank to my little heart's desire. I plan to keep the vacation buzz going for as long as I can. Tequila sounds about right.
I will of course give the highlights. Michigan, Illinois and Misery...oops Missuori. More later.
You Belong in London A little old fashioned, and a little modern. A little traditional, and a little bit punk rock.A unique woman like you needs a city that offers everything. No wonder you and London will get along so well.
Find your City at: http://www.yournewromance.com/whatcitydoyoubelonginquiz/
I am about halfway through my extended (very much needed vacation). I spent a wonderful week in Michigan with Fishy, her husband and three cats. Thanks Fishy!! There be some tasteful photos of the debachery that was Dena's bachorlette party. William and Jermey we love you for taking care of our drunk asses!! Hehe. And, of course, of the beautiful wedding. I'm not Scottish, but kilts make a fine looking wedding party. Although, the "Alligator" (dance) was a more interesting part of the evening. I wish the happy couple the best life together!!
Currently, I am in Fox Lake, a suburb of Chicago at Camp Duncan. I worked here last fall. It was my usual attempt to excape from my henious life, but that time it worked. So, with fond memories, I have been painting lines (football field) for band camp, riding around in the golf cart and placating my hosts into a sugar coma with my chocolate pecan pie (It's almost as good as chocolate stuff, Fishy). Kevin and Cynthia are two of my favorite people. About a month and a half ago they got "hitched". Again truly happy for the both of them. Ahhhh...Love. Here's a picture of them on the happy day!!
Enjoying some champagna at the summit. Look at that view!! I love Tahoe!!
I have less than a week still at my real job, then a month of vacation. I like my fake job better. At least I feel accomplished after a day of shoveling shit. I have something to show for it. Even if they crap in thier stalls right after you finish. Horses are easier than humans. You can quote me on that.
I will admit that the hardent person/human to deal with is yourself. Today, I'm fighting off self-hatred with a sword of excapeism. Curled up at my boyfriend's sonic wall free computer in his bathrobe I have advoided real life for a couple more hours.
As an excerise to inocculate some normalcy in the issues swimming in my head, I have created a list. An "All I Want", Joni Mitchell is one of the greatest songwrites ever inspired, list.
All I Want is....
My Mom to have a conversation with me and only me on the phone
My sister's broken heart to heal
My dog to learn how to play dead
To hug my little brother
To shop at grocery store where I never have to read the labels
My stomach/head/heart to stop hurting
To be curled up with my man in bed for 3 days straight
Tahoe to have an array of take out/delivery places
To see my ex and it not be werid
Fishy to stop having to deal with stupid people
My employer to stop hiring stupid people
Have energy to live my life
To stop surviving
To spend all day reading
To feel like I have a choice
I has been almost twenty days since I blogged. This is not healthy. I have no outlet and I feel out of touch. This past weekend I attended my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary. Yes, that is a frickin' long time. Besides the horrible food, wedding singer music and a blood sugar number of 25 ( my grandfathers not mine), everthing was great. I spent quality time (talking) and not so quality time (drinking) with the siblings. My dad has finally gotten his shit together and realizes that he fucked up. I think he has also realized thathe is luckiest man on earth because his offspring still talk to him and are functional adults. He wants me to get my PhD...in Traditional Chinese Medicine. It is amazing what parental encouragement can do for your self-esteem. Thousand of picture have been taken of this event, they will be posted soon. For now the countdown is on until my next vacation to Michigan. I can do it.....
I would like to apologize for not keeping up with my Blog. My last installment was more tha a week ago. I would like to think that I am very popular and have thousands of people hanging on my every word. Not true, I know. But if I can't have a sense of graduer about my life who can? So, what has kept me so busy the last week(s)? Here's a rundown:
--My sister leaving the Reno/Tahoe area. It's hard to believe that I miss someone so very different than myself.
--Finalizing my plans to Arkansas. No one goes there by mistake, believe me. My grandparents 50th wedding anniversary.
--Unpacking all of my stuff. Not having to move this week was a sure bonus.
--Cingular is evil. The triangle of hell has been completed. Insurance companies, pharmaceutical companies and celluar phone companies. Armegeddon is near.
--Reinstating my self control. The demise of previously mentioned co-worker has been plotted many times. Many times. So hard not to go through with it. I can't stand her and I don't know why.
--Busting two kids at school for smoking pot in thier bathroom. Schwag does not smell good. I did not get to confiscate for personal use. Damn. The drug test was the best part. Oooo....urine. I do get a $20 bonus for every one I give. This may change my personal feelings about random drug testing. I also had to miss "Bewitched". Yes, I can be that shallow.
--Falling in love. The less I say about this the better. Let's just say it wasn't ever planned and I now know how Charlotte felt.
--Watching my rat of a dog swim in Lake Tahoe. Yes, that would make her a wet rat.
--Working 70 hours a week. So much bank and no time to spend it. An excellent combination. I would like some more sleep though.
--Spending the Fourth in Study Hall. Oh, yes the glamor of Study Hall. I can actually fudge my way through Algebra. Take that Mr. Samuel!!
I thoes are most of the highlights. I'll will be back on a regular basis soon. I might even have a telephone. Peace.
Staff devepolment wasn't as painless as I had expected. I think the good night sleep helped. I have the rest of the afternoon off. Sweet. I will be taking my beloved puppy for a walk and hopefully attending a dinner party later.
Today, I also recieved a postcard from a good friend. That's helped my foul mood.
I'm only slightly pissed that I will be getting two new roomates before I move. Privacy is a rare comoddity here.
Summer is finally here. I'm not convinced that it's permenant because it snowed last week. Really.
Crap associated with my job seems to be gettin worse, not better. And I get to go to staff development for the nex three days. I was in a good mood this morning, but it's heading south quickly.
I also have a horrible breast area sunburn. Even my most comforable bra hurts. And while I'm complaining, my co-worker eats with her mouth open.
Sigh.
A BANDEAU? Someone clue me in here did i miss something? I would never ever wear that in front of someone's grandmother. Mind you these were actually in the "Bridesmaid Section" 
Orange? The only person that I cant think of that would good in this is Hallie Berry. Anyone not a size 2 with a perfect body stay away. Far Away.
WARNING: You will laugh, cry and possibly pee your pants in response to the following. Drinking liquids is not reccomened while reading this blog.
I've gotten tired bitchin' about my shitty adminstration, so it's time for some thing a little more lighthearted.
I am the last one. Fishy decided to get married and have cats. Gina, as of August will no longer be single. I am the Maid of Honor in my Sister's wedding. Now although I don't have as much experience as the Wedding Goddess Fishy (Just remember, hon, you are in charge of the open bar at my broom hopping), I have helped pick colors, establish guests lists, advise against any moss/candle certerpiece, sifted through over 150 wedding dresses and, yes ( shudder), shop for brides maid dresses.
The most recent adventure was sucessful in that we have some prospects. I think there will be another blog on my sister's choice of "chocolate" and "cornflower" ( Read: Brown and Blue), but back to the dresses.
I have yet to find the exact styles that we have narrowed it down to, but here' s a little entertainment in the mean time.
Check out http://www.uglydress.com This woman is brillant. Some people fight poverty, others bad fashion. Check out the rental Kilts and Maxi Slippers.
Above are also some interesting dresses. Midrift anyone?
Oh, most holy adminstrative Gods. I have severly pissed you off in a former life. I plead with you unorganized ones, I have changed my ways, learned my lesson. I will not mock you behind your backs, wish for your untimely death or an uncurable painful STD anymore. I beg you please, please with a topping of my first born ( Because I know that is what you really really really want) don't not make me move again. Be considerate of my unpacked boxes, my grumbling friends and my aching back. I beg you have mercy on me. Amen.
OH YES LADIES AND GERMS THAT IS RIGHT!!!
I WILL BE MOVING AGAIN!!!
Postal? Yes,driving to the Pawn Shop right now. What is the waiting peroid in Nevada? Shit.
I can't believe this.
Oh, you can expect more rants on this one.
And if it hasn't been said today : WHAT THE $&%^#?!?!?!
Dear Blogger,
I love you. I love you, everything you are and everything you will be. You are better than TV, 8 Tracks and possibly my Postal Service CD. You make me laugh and cry, mostly at the same time. Blogger you complete me.
Love Always and Forever
Greenapril
I never could have imagined that this woudl have gone on for so long. Five blog posts. There could be a sitcom, mini series, or a Lifetime movie of the week (starring Judith Light or Tracy Gold) about this henious pain in the ass adventure. Oh, my friends we are not done yet.
Five minutes ago, I was informed by my buisness manager that I needed to remove all of my belongings from the Surburban. Right. Because he says "Your stuff has been in there for a whole week." Right it has. BUT....
IS THAT MY FRICKIN' FAULT!!! YOU GIVE ME A THREE HOUR NOTICE TO MOVE OUT, THEN YOU DON'T HAVE A PLACE FOR ME TO MOVE TO!?!!? YOU FIND A PLACE FOR ME TO MOVE ALL MY STUFF BUT THE ROOM WON'T BE CLEAN UNTIL FOUR DAYS AFTER YOU ASK ME TO MOVE OUT!!!
HELLO, I HAD NO PLACE TO PUT MY STUFF!!
Exasperated Sigh.
PS- Just for future reference. If you carry 12 cinder blocks in the back of a Suburban for a week, the tires will lose air. Take that you monstorous gas gullzer!!! You aren't so strong and big now are you!?!
I finally moved into my new place. I'm feeling better about it. Now the problem is all the crap I own. Finding a new place for it, throwing stuff out, etc. I don't have the energy. And there is never enough space for my books.
Speaking of energy, I am going to have to feng sui on this room. Horrible florescence lighting, white walls, the carpet that will hide any stain ( I guess that's a good thing), in general ick.
I did purchace a beautiful painting at a thrift shop this week. There is some hope yet.
Maybe this a chance to downsize. Like my bed. King to a twin. It's not pretty.
Ok now fro the bitch section. I was at the house moving some last things out and my business manager called. He wanted to know why there was still food in the fridge. "Um, to keep it cold" Then he asks me if it's my food. So, here's the thing. The stuff in the fridge I could barely classify as food. Hungry Man dinners, Eggos, Cocktail Sauce, Rolls in a Can, you get the picture. I'm actually offended that he thought this was my food. Blechk. "No, Roger it's not my food." Then he asks me if I could help them out and clean out the food. This is steathly followed by "I'd do it myself , but I'm in San Fran" and "We'd (The School), really like to get our $---- (Enter Large sum of money here) security deposit back". So, you want me to help you out of the kindness of my heart, but if I don't and you don't get your money back you'll make me feel like it is all my fault. Yet there is NOTHING in this for me. I'm convinced that thoes "business" conferences managers go to have titles like "Blackmail 101", "How Passive Agression Can Work for YOU!" and "Getting the Dirty Work Done: Five Easy Steps to Painless and Effective Guilt Trips". All you Cubies out there would agree with me.
So, just to avoid any other to do list from people who aren't my boss. I told him it "was taken care of" and got the hell off the phone. %^$*-ER!
There is an interesting lesson in all of this. Standing up for yourself. I've never been good at it. I've been a psycholgical and emotional door mat for every kind of personal and professional relationship. I think I'm getting better. I hope. I've never been this angry. Now, what to do with it?
Greenapril, part three, really? Sigh. Yes. The stupid virus that has infected the administration has struck again. The score is:
1 suburban full of greenapril's belongings
1 complacent business manager
1 room (my room) that will not be cleaned until Friday
1 house with no creature comforts (all the stuff being in the suburban)
1 rainy day
GRAAAAHHHGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!! I know my life has been so much more stressful than this, but I'm seriously thinking about going AWOL. It would involve stealing a car. How much do you think I would get for a first offense? Ten years? That would make me 37. I could still have kids then, right? Let's go.
This is the kind of annoying life shit that never changes. Thousands of years ago people probably had the same problem. Unorganized management. Grrrrr. Yeah, I'm not going to sweat the small stuff, but it's really pissing me off.
Another thing: Where the #%$^ am I supposed to live? At the house with no food, bedding or clothes? In my car? Please, I need some direction or at least some one to talk me down. HELP!!
Actually, I think the quote went more like: I'm not the whore I always wanted to be. I think you get the picture, though. When it comes down to it I wish I had just a little more agression, spunk, self-esteem and cofidence. I want to tell the hottie teacher I work with all about my not so little crush on him(Thanks for letting the cat out of the bag on that one Fishy!!), but I probably won't (EVER!).
It's pretty transparent that my fear of rejection is huge. I don't like myself enough to begin with, why risk hearing it from someone else? Another thing: THE GUILT!! My friends and I joke about the pervasive, not at all stuble, you will burn in hell guilt associated with everything. Be fun or not fun, it's all included.
Example: Church, try to make it fun by adding some better music (I will die a happy woman never having to hear "On Eagles Wings" again) , a better message (Gasp! Standing up for civil liberties) and a little flair (Jesus loves you just the way you are.) and you will be hunted down, serverly tounge lashed and probably excommunicated.
But I digress, everyone has an issue. I might have more than your average person, but as I'd like to think, I'm not average. Slowly, I will recover from the image that everyone wants me to be and be the whore I've always wanted to be.
News Flash!! This just in: They (My boss and other assorted nomes) don't even know where I'm moving to!! I just past pissed and went directly to "What the #$@^?!?!?"
I go into work today to check my e-mail, blog and snail mail. The accountant asks me if I got his message. What message I ask? Apparently, I am supposed to move out of my current living situation today. Today. That is a three hour notice. Great. Irked almost to the point of pissed off. Grrrr.....
My weekend was great by the way, thanks (for nothing).
I started my part time job today. I'm working at a stable cleaning stalls, feeding horses, etc. I enjoy being outside, I love horses and I get paid! This job is perfect for me.
Today we, Carolyn and myself, were cleaning the stall of Siren and her baby Odyssey. Wanting attention they both made mucking interesting. It hard to do anything when a 2 ton animal is in your way. Odyssey being a very hungry baby decided to nibble on my t- shirt. I shooed her away a couple of times and got back to work. Carolyn asked me a question while answering her Odyssey (Who knows what she was thinking!) bit my nipple! I breast is a breast I guess, but holy shit did that hurt!! A horse bit my nipple!!! I wasn't injured. However, I was highly entertained with the mock ER scene playing in my head. "Miss, tell us again how you lost your nipple?" I laughed so hard I cried and practically collasped in the stall. I can barely control myself 4 hours later.
I can only imagine what will happen on my second day at work.
Haven't been motived to do much lately. That is except make lists of the things I need to do. I was motivated enough to sit down and combine all of my lists. All five of them. 8 1/2 by 11. Full. Then something magical happened. I felt like doing some of the things on my list. I've spent the rest of the day making calls, sending out bills, being put on hold. I've spent 57 minutes on hold today. And I'm still in a good mood.
PS-I made an appointment with Planned Parenthood. Happy days are here again!!
For the majority of my life I have been clinically depressed. Recently, I have overcome a large chunk of my disability. "It" comes back every once and a while, but for the most part I am happy with my life. One of the worst things about my depression is that I am thrown in to a level of emotional apathy that is so murky and listless I am defenseless. I hardly know what I'm feeling, let alone do anything about it. A very large part of me would like a machine to be invented. One that would tell how you are really feeling. Heck, I would settle for an Emode quiz. For those who do know how they feel, try a bit of cinematherapy. I like http://www.cinematherapy.com/ .
I'll be self medicating, Ben and Jerry style.
I spend a lot of time thinking about topics to write for my blog. Interesting anedotes, rants and such. This usually isn't a problem coming up with material. Today, I couldn't. I've been a bit stressed out (Work mostly) and I'm not sure where all my energy has gone. I don't even feel like eating. The chewing part, not the cooking part.
The go getter part of me took a vacation with out any notice. Motivation is at an all time low. And I just had a craving for liver. What the %^#$?!?
I'm blaming the birth control. I had a taste of the sweet life with some charity Dianette from my friend in Wales. Her government pays for her pills. I think she felt sorry for me and our cromangon health care policies. No cramps, amenia, bloating, mood swings, mass hemmoraging, etc. Three months ago I ran out. I have been in agony.
Three months you say? Why haven't you gotten more? Because the other 28 days of my cycle I completely forget my body is for making babies. I've got other shit to do, like call my congress person, save puppies and stop hunger.
So, it comes down to convience. I'm pissed because I can't do what I want to. I actually have to listen to my body, my needs. I guess that can't be all that bad.
Maybe a perscription of Ben, Jerry and a Little Sex in the City is all I need.
Fishy and I have been discussing astrology and general zodiac tendancies of people. She's a Libra (I was wrong you are a cardinal air, not earth.), I'm an Aries (Yeah, for the crazy of the zodaic!). So here is an outline of the zodiac! Enjoy!
Go to:
http://www.astro.com/astrology/in_signs_e.htm
I am the oldest of four children. I love my siblings more than anything in the world. I am the closest to my youngest brother. I adore him. He is one of my best friends. He has a heart of gold.
For most of high school and college he had a girlfriend. They were inseparable. For a time they were even engaged. When he moved back to Michigan, he decided that it was better that they went their separate ways. To my surprise they stayed really good friends. Even after she got married shortly after their breakup.
About a month ago the ex found a lump. It was removed and unfortunately is/was cancerous. She will be going through chemo and the barrage of other treatments. My brother has decided to drive all the way to Washington to see her. I told you a heart of gold, but it gets even better.
My brother understands perfectly that he can do little to help her situation. He can be there as a friend and care for her. Amazing. He also understands actions speak louder than words. So, last Saturday he shaved his head.
Unconditionally loving someone enough to shave your head, there's something to think about.
New Blog Format!! What do you think? I think Summer is on it's way!!
Check out my Links!!
I had a fat day. Read the previous post and you'll agree. That's OK. We all have are moments of weakness, right?
I realized that most of the 25 plus pounds I gained were muscle. I'm in the best shape I have ever been. I'm also 5'10'' without shoes. I am an amazon goddess and will kick ass if necessary.
Last Monday, I participated in my first belly dancing class. I'm in love!!! My instructor has Gwen Stefani Abs (Encouraging not discouraging). The bigger my hips look the better I dance (Sweet!). On top of it all I get to wear the tinkle bell things. Pure Bliss!! If I had been thinking straight I would have fought my fat feelings with the wonderful lesson of belly dancing: Love all your parts, even the jiggly ones!! Heck, dance around for an hour and jiggle them yourself!!
I went the gym with my sister yesterday. We laughed our way through cardio kickboxing. Mostly at ourselves, the guy preening in the 360 degree mirrors and the "Woo!!! YEAH!!!" lady. Fun was had. Until, I made a very very bad decision. I decided to weigh myself.
Honsety, is the best policy. So, here goes. I was shocked and almost cried. Cried. I weight 183 pounds. 183. That's less than twenty pounds to 200. 200 pounds is fat, in book. For me at least. 183 pounds. Stunned.
I am not a shallow person. I have never been fixated on my weight. I have taken some big steps to become healtier since gaining some weight over the summer. I have slimmed down a bit. jeans fitting better and all. A hour of cardio a day will do that. But 183 is 25 pounds more than a year ago. What gives?
I wasn't going to write about this is my blog. Too embarrising, I guess. But, Fishy and I had a good conversation about personal body image. She is attending a wedding/ high school reunion and understood my issue. My question is: How does one develop a healthy body image? A realstic idea of how tall, wide, big or small we are? Is having a sense of self in this manner erroding our self-love or is it something we can be proud of?
WARNING THE FOLLOWING IS A RANT:
Everyday,I find that our culture and society are an unparalleled source of entertainment. Lately, I have been examining the messages that are casually shoved in our faces. Messages deeper than you need to be white, rich, skinny, healthy, happy all the time, always have an erection, have a nice car, a good education, blah, blah, blah...
I feel as if someone much bigger and more powerful than God is telling me every second of the day that I'm not good enough. I have a car. It looks like shit, but it gets me from point A to point B. However, I'm not good enough until I own a Mercedes ZX3 and a Land Rover. Use Quaker State Synthetic Premium Motor Oil...I think you get the picture.
The thing is good enough is never enough and it's extremely exhausting. Flipping through a well know fashion magazine, I skimmed over a section on "....The seasons hottest new colors for your nails...." The new hot color...PINK! I have nothing against pink. I will admit I like wearing pink and I like painting my nails that specific shade. Additionally, I have collected a rainbow of polishes over the years. However, last time I checked PINK was pretty popular last year and the year before. AND it is not a NEW color.
But then again shell, pearl, pearly shell, haze, sunset haze, cotton candy, pinkee, barely blush, blush, feminine touch(?), nordic pink(?), sunkissed, champange frost, rose, champange rose, jasmine (Um...Jasmine is a white flower), peek-a-boo pink, peppy pink, tickled pink (Haha..Not so much) and pinky winky (A TeleTubby?) are. If the barrage of "...newest hottest colors for the summer..." (cough..still just PINK) weren't enough, the helpful fashion gurus at said magazine carefully outlined when and where I should display my "...newest hottest color of the summer..." So, thoughtful and nice of them. The fashion faux pau of wearing peppy pink to the club when I should have worn haze! Thank you for saving me the embarrasment!!
Now, I understand why women are more likely to suffer from anxiety, depression, chronic fatigue and/or generalized nervous disorders. Our brains are crammed full of self defeating and devaluing "helpful information." If anything, it's fuel for the already blazing fire eating away at our esteem. There has to be a better way.
While scanning this article, I also thought about my brother. I'm sure he would look fab in pink nail polish (That's probably another Blog) and if I had shown him the page his response would have been: "Why are all of those polishes pink? Aren't they any different colors?" We have all had the color challenged dad, boyfriend, brother (Just think black socks, sandals and brown shorts.). I am almost convinced that ROY G BIV is the extent of the male color palette. Indigo might be stretching it. Cleadon, chartreuse, aubergine--no way. It's green, green and purple. You might get an -ish or a light/dark modifier. In general, men keep it simple. I like that. I like it a lot.
So for the record, pink is still pink.
I just spent the last hour writing a very witty, inspirational blog. Examine the barriers you have absorbed from your surroundings. Barriers that were once someone else's fallacy. Barriers that have become truth in your life. The only thing that is standing in your way is your perception of the situation. Stuff like that. Now it has been lost in the intrails of cyberspace. Grrrrr.
Inspirationally pissed off. A possible source of Right Wing Radio?
I have been on this exercise kick. I have exceeded the recommended three times a week for thirty minutes. On average I've been running about 3.5 miles and an hour of yoga. There are a couple of interesting side effects that I had not expected. 1.) I actually feel like I am living in my body not just the space in-between my ears. 2.) I sleep soooo much better 3.) I have an awareness of my boundaries. Yes or No seem so much easier to express. 4.) I eat every two hours and stop when I'm full. Eating and sleeping are two of my favorite activities, the more I can do them the better! 5.) A serving size of ice cream is (gasp) satisfying!!!!
I have two long term goals: One is to fit in this kick ass red velvet cocktail dress I have. The second is to participate in a triathlon in October. WHOOOHOOO!!!
As an amendment to this new "hobby" I have. I am not one of those skinny bitches. I am proportional. I am very curvy. I haven't always been in the best shape and I haven't always taken the best care of my body. Thank you tequila!! I started out slowly. My advice to you: Do something good for yourself.
I try not to criticize others. It's hard. There are lot of challanged people in this world. I'm one of them. So I say: To each his own. Free will is a gift. And so on....
However, today, I feel that I need a 'What the &%#@?' rant. I happened to pick up a copy of "Organic Living" today at the gym. I am crunchy, I am a hippie, I eat as much organic food as possible. I take care of my body and love my Mother (Earth). Ten pages into the "magazine" I realized I had been duped. Suckered. The first half of the magazine was about organic fashion?!?! And organic fashion designers!?!?! Now, I'm sure Stella McCartney is a lovely earth concious person, but I cannot and will not ever ever ever in this lifetime or any of the following pay $995 for a handbag. I did not forget a decimal. $995!! Leather you ask? NO! I could have possibly rationalized paying $995 for a genunie leather handbag (If I had been drugged.), but a thousand dollars for fake leather. Fake Leather!!!
If the fashionable organic handbag (That you no longer have and money to carry in) wasn't enough. You could buy an "organic" chair for $2,100. One Chair!! This is so wrong on so many levels. 1.) What happened to the thrift store? And some paint? Or recycled fabric? 2.) Who has that kind of money to drop on a chair you can't sleep in? 3.) The entirety of all of my possesions do not equal $2,100. Including my car. I will provide an itemized list on request for all who doubt.
I don't get it. You can love your life, love the earth and have some savings. Maybe someone out there can explain it better? Please.
And since you were wondering:
It costs $36,000 for 6 people to fly on a private jet from Austin to Santa Barbara. That's more than I owe in school loans. Think about it.
I had a realization: My life has, for the most part, developed into a normal well rounded fairly sane existence. Wow. I really don't know what to do. At the current moment I have all of my basic needs met. Water, food, shelter. I have a job. My boss isn't crazy. Psychotic lovers and parents are at a lifetime minimum. Hmmm....
Is this the place where my life becomes something better? Something spectacular? Something enchanted? I always wonder what the future will bring. For the first time I'm not scared of that.
Even more so, I am happy right where I am. I have no grass is greener syndrome. Happy pastures and trails!!
It is said that we are our own worst enemies. So, at this time I would like to toot my own horn (No pun intended!). Due to my bad "car"ma I was forced to take a defensive driving course. Since I received the ticket in Austin and I'm now living in Tahoe doing it on-line was the best choice. I just completed 6 excruciating hours of mind numbing statstics and a general underestimation of my intelligence (If I wear a seat-belt it will probably save my life? Insanity!!). I am happy to say not only am I a safe driver (Something my parents will never believe.) according to the state of Texas, I earned a 100% on my final exam!!
Yep, you guessed it. Time for the happy dance!!! Whoooohoooo!!!!
In these deep solitudes and awful cells,
Where heav'nly-pensive contemplation dwells,
And ever-musing melancholy reigns;
What means this tumult in a vestal's veins?
Why rove my thoughts beyond this last retreat?
Why feels my heart its long-forgotten heat?
Yet, yet I love! — From Abelard it came,
And Eloisa yet must kiss the name.
Dear fatal name! rest ever unreveal'd,
Nor pass these lips in holy silence seal'd.
Hide it, my heart, within that close disguise,
Where mix'd with God's, his lov'd idea lies:
O write it not, my hand — the name appears
Already written — wash it out, my tears!
In vain lost Eloisa weeps and prays,
Her heart still dictates, and her hand obeys.
Relentless walls! whose darksome round contains
Repentant sighs, and voluntary pains:
Ye rugged rocks! which holy knees have worn;
Ye grots and caverns shagg'd with horrid thorn!
Shrines! where their vigils pale-ey'd virgins keep,
And pitying saints, whose statues learn to weep!
Though cold like you, unmov'd, and silent grown,
I have not yet forgot myself to stone.
All is not Heav'n's while Abelard has part,
Still rebel nature holds out half my heart;
Nor pray'rs nor fasts its stubborn pulse restrain,
Nor tears, for ages, taught to flow in vain.
Soon as thy letters trembling I unclose,
That well-known name awakens all my woes.
Oh name for ever sad! for ever dear!
Still breath'd in sighs, still usher'd with a tear.
I tremble too, where'er my own I find,
Some dire misfortune follows close behind.
Line after line my gushing eyes o'erflow,
Led through a sad variety of woe:
Now warm in love, now with'ring in thy bloom,
Lost in a convent's solitary gloom!
There stern religion quench'd th' unwilling flame,
There died the best of passions, love and fame.
Yet write, oh write me all, that I may join
Griefs to thy griefs, and echo sighs to thine.
Nor foes nor fortune take this pow'r away;
And is my Abelard less kind than they?
Tears still are mine, and those I need not spare,
Love but demands what else were shed in pray'r;
No happier task these faded eyes pursue;
To read and weep is all they now can do.
Then share thy pain, allow that sad relief;
Ah, more than share it! give me all thy grief.
Heav'n first taught letters for some wretch's aid,
Some banish'd lover, or some captive maid;
They live, they speak, they breathe what love inspires,
Warm from the soul, and faithful to its fires,
The virgin's wish without her fears impart,
Excuse the blush, and pour out all the heart,
Speed the soft intercourse from soul to soul,
And waft a sigh from Indus to the Pole.
Thou know'st how guiltless first I met thy flame,
When Love approach'd me under Friendship's name;
My fancy form'd thee of angelic kind,
Some emanation of th' all-beauteous Mind.
Those smiling eyes, attemp'ring ev'ry day,
Shone sweetly lambent with celestial day.
Guiltless I gaz'd; heav'n listen'd while you sung;
And truths divine came mended from that tongue.
From lips like those what precept fail'd to move?
Too soon they taught me 'twas no sin to love.
Back through the paths of pleasing sense I ran,
Nor wish'd an Angel whom I lov'd a Man.
Dim and remote the joys of saints I see;
Nor envy them, that heav'n I lose for thee.
How oft, when press'd to marriage, have I said,
Curse on all laws but those which love has made!
Love, free as air, at sight of human ties,
Spreads his light wings, and in a moment flies,
Let wealth, let honour, wait the wedded dame,
August her deed, and sacred be her fame;
Before true passion all those views remove,
Fame, wealth, and honour! what are you to Love?
The jealous God, when we profane his fires,
Those restless passions in revenge inspires;
And bids them make mistaken mortals groan,
Who seek in love for aught but love alone.
Should at my feet the world's great master fall,
Himself, his throne, his world, I'd scorn 'em all:
Not Caesar's empress would I deign to prove;
No, make me mistress to the man I love;
If there be yet another name more free,
More fond than mistress, make me that to thee!
Oh happy state! when souls each other draw,
When love is liberty, and nature, law:
All then is full, possessing, and possess'd,
No craving void left aching in the breast:
Ev'n thought meets thought, ere from the lips it part,
And each warm wish springs mutual from the heart.
This sure is bliss (if bliss on earth there be)
And once the lot of Abelard and me.
Alas, how chang'd! what sudden horrors rise!
A naked lover bound and bleeding lies!
Where, where was Eloise? her voice, her hand,
Her poniard, had oppos'd the dire command.
Barbarian, stay! that bloody stroke restrain;
The crime was common, common be the pain.
I can no more; by shame, by rage suppress'd,
Let tears, and burning blushes speak the rest.
Canst thou forget that sad, that solemn day,
When victims at yon altar's foot we lay?
Canst thou forget what tears that moment fell,
When, warm in youth, I bade the world farewell?
As with cold lips I kiss'd the sacred veil,
The shrines all trembl'd, and the lamps grew pale:
Heav'n scarce believ'd the conquest it survey'd,
And saints with wonder heard the vows I made.
Yet then, to those dread altars as I drew,
Not on the Cross my eyes were fix'd, but you:
Not grace, or zeal, love only was my call,
And if I lose thy love, I lose my all.
Come! with thy looks, thy words, relieve my woe;
Those still at least are left thee to bestow.
Still on that breast enamour'd let me lie,
Still drink delicious poison from thy eye,
Pant on thy lip, and to thy heart be press'd;
Give all thou canst — and let me dream the rest.
Ah no! instruct me other joys to prize,
With other beauties charm my partial eyes,
Full in my view set all the bright abode,
And make my soul quit Abelard for God.
Ah, think at least thy flock deserves thy care,
Plants of thy hand, and children of thy pray'r.
From the false world in early youth they fled,
By thee to mountains, wilds, and deserts led.
You rais'd these hallow'd walls; the desert smil'd,
And Paradise was open'd in the wild.
No weeping orphan saw his father's stores
Our shrines irradiate, or emblaze the floors;
No silver saints, by dying misers giv'n,
Here brib'd the rage of ill-requited heav'n:
But such plain roofs as piety could raise,
And only vocal with the Maker's praise.
In these lone walls (their days eternal bound)
These moss-grown domes with spiry turrets crown'd,
Where awful arches make a noonday night,
And the dim windows shed a solemn light;
Thy eyes diffus'd a reconciling ray,
And gleams of glory brighten'd all the day.
But now no face divine contentment wears,
'Tis all blank sadness, or continual tears.
See how the force of others' pray'rs I try,
(O pious fraud of am'rous charity!)
But why should I on others' pray'rs depend?
Come thou, my father, brother, husband, friend!
Ah let thy handmaid, sister, daughter move,
And all those tender names in one, thy love!
The darksome pines that o'er yon rocks reclin'd
Wave high, and murmur to the hollow wind,
The wand'ring streams that shine between the hills,
The grots that echo to the tinkling rills,
The dying gales that pant upon the trees,
The lakes that quiver to the curling breeze;
No more these scenes my meditation aid,
Or lull to rest the visionary maid.
But o'er the twilight groves and dusky caves,
Long-sounding aisles, and intermingled graves,
Black Melancholy sits, and round her throws
A death-like silence, and a dread repose:
Her gloomy presence saddens all the scene,
Shades ev'ry flow'r, and darkens ev'ry green,
Deepens the murmur of the falling floods,
And breathes a browner horror on the woods.
Yet here for ever, ever must I stay;
Sad proof how well a lover can obey!
Death, only death, can break the lasting chain;
And here, ev'n then, shall my cold dust remain,
Here all its frailties, all its flames resign,
And wait till 'tis no sin to mix with thine.
Ah wretch! believ'd the spouse of God in vain,
Confess'd within the slave of love and man.
Assist me, Heav'n! but whence arose that pray'r?
Sprung it from piety, or from despair?
Ev'n here, where frozen chastity retires,
Love finds an altar for forbidden fires.
I ought to grieve, but cannot what I ought;
I mourn the lover, not lament the fault;
I view my crime, but kindle at the view,
Repent old pleasures, and solicit new;
Now turn'd to Heav'n, I weep my past offence,
Now think of thee, and curse my innocence.
Of all affliction taught a lover yet,
'Tis sure the hardest science to forget!
How shall I lose the sin, yet keep the sense,
And love th' offender, yet detest th' offence?
How the dear object from the crime remove,
Or how distinguish penitence from love?
Unequal task! a passion to resign,
For hearts so touch'd, so pierc'd, so lost as mine.
Ere such a soul regains its peaceful state,
How often must it love, how often hate!
How often hope, despair, resent, regret,
Conceal, disdain — do all things but forget.
But let Heav'n seize it, all at once 'tis fir'd;
Not touch'd, but rapt; not waken'd, but inspir'd!
Oh come! oh teach me nature to subdue,
Renounce my love, my life, myself — and you.
Fill my fond heart with God alone, for he
Alone can rival, can succeed to thee.
How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;
Labour and rest, that equal periods keep;
"Obedient slumbers that can wake and weep;"
Desires compos'd, affections ever ev'n,
Tears that delight, and sighs that waft to Heav'n.
Grace shines around her with serenest beams,
And whisp'ring angels prompt her golden dreams.
For her th' unfading rose of Eden blooms,
And wings of seraphs shed divine perfumes,
For her the Spouse prepares the bridal ring,
For her white virgins hymeneals sing,
To sounds of heav'nly harps she dies away,
And melts in visions of eternal day.
Far other dreams my erring soul employ,
Far other raptures, of unholy joy:
When at the close of each sad, sorrowing day,
Fancy restores what vengeance snatch'd away,
Then conscience sleeps, and leaving nature free,
All my loose soul unbounded springs to thee.
Oh curs'd, dear horrors of all-conscious night!
How glowing guilt exalts the keen delight!
Provoking Daemons all restraint remove,
And stir within me every source of love.
I hear thee, view thee, gaze o'er all thy charms,
And round thy phantom glue my clasping arms.
I wake — no more I hear, no more I view,
The phantom flies me, as unkind as you.
I call aloud; it hears not what I say;
I stretch my empty arms; it glides away.
To dream once more I close my willing eyes;
Ye soft illusions, dear deceits, arise!
Alas, no more — methinks we wand'ring go
Through dreary wastes, and weep each other's woe,
Where round some mould'ring tower pale ivy creeps,
And low-brow'd rocks hang nodding o'er the deeps.
Sudden you mount, you beckon from the skies;
Clouds interpose, waves roar, and winds arise.
I shriek, start up, the same sad prospect find,
And wake to all the griefs I left behind.
For thee the fates, severely kind, ordain
A cool suspense from pleasure and from pain;
Thy life a long, dead calm of fix'd repose;
No pulse that riots, and no blood that glows.
Still as the sea, ere winds were taught to blow,
Or moving spirit bade the waters flow;
Soft as the slumbers of a saint forgiv'n,
And mild as opening gleams of promis'd heav'n.
Come, Abelard! for what hast thou to dread?
The torch of Venus burns not for the dead.
Nature stands check'd; Religion disapproves;
Ev'n thou art cold — yet Eloisa loves.
Ah hopeless, lasting flames! like those that burn
To light the dead, and warm th' unfruitful urn.
What scenes appear where'er I turn my view?
The dear ideas, where I fly, pursue,
Rise in the grove, before the altar rise,
Stain all my soul, and wanton in my eyes.
I waste the matin lamp in sighs for thee,
Thy image steals between my God and me,
Thy voice I seem in ev'ry hymn to hear,
With ev'ry bead I drop too soft a tear.
When from the censer clouds of fragrance roll,
And swelling organs lift the rising soul,
One thought of thee puts all the pomp to flight,
Priests, tapers, temples, swim before my sight:
In seas of flame my plunging soul is drown'd,
While altars blaze, and angels tremble round.
While prostrate here in humble grief I lie,
Kind, virtuous drops just gath'ring in my eye,
While praying, trembling, in the dust I roll,
And dawning grace is op'ning on my soul:
Come, if thou dar'st, all charming as thou art!
Oppose thyself to Heav'n; dispute my heart;
Come, with one glance of those deluding eyes
Blot out each bright idea of the skies;
Take back that grace, those sorrows, and those tears;
Take back my fruitless penitence and pray'rs;
Snatch me, just mounting, from the blest abode;
Assist the fiends, and tear me from my God!
No, fly me, fly me, far as pole from pole;
Rise Alps between us! and whole oceans roll!
Ah, come not, write not, think not once of me,
Nor share one pang of all I felt for thee.
Thy oaths I quit, thy memory resign;
Forget, renounce me, hate whate'er was mine.
Fair eyes, and tempting looks (which yet I view!)
Long lov'd, ador'd ideas, all adieu!
Oh Grace serene! oh virtue heav'nly fair!
Divine oblivion of low-thoughted care!
Fresh blooming hope, gay daughter of the sky!
And faith, our early immortality!
Enter, each mild, each amicable guest;
Receive, and wrap me in eternal rest!
See in her cell sad Eloisa spread,
Propp'd on some tomb, a neighbour of the dead.
In each low wind methinks a spirit calls,
And more than echoes talk along the walls.
Here, as I watch'd the dying lamps around,
From yonder shrine I heard a hollow sound.
"Come, sister, come!" (it said, or seem'd to say)
"Thy place is here, sad sister, come away!
Once like thyself, I trembled, wept, and pray'd,
Love's victim then, though now a sainted maid:
But all is calm in this eternal sleep;
Here grief forgets to groan, and love to weep,
Ev'n superstition loses ev'ry fear:
For God, not man, absolves our frailties here."
I come, I come! prepare your roseate bow'rs,
Celestial palms, and ever-blooming flow'rs.
Thither, where sinners may have rest, I go,
Where flames refin'd in breasts seraphic glow:
Thou, Abelard! the last sad office pay,
And smooth my passage to the realms of day;
See my lips tremble, and my eye-balls roll,
Suck my last breath, and catch my flying soul!
Ah no — in sacred vestments may'st thou stand,
The hallow'd taper trembling in thy hand,
Present the cross before my lifted eye,
Teach me at once, and learn of me to die.
Ah then, thy once-lov'd Eloisa see!
It will be then no crime to gaze on me.
See from my cheek the transient roses fly!
See the last sparkle languish in my eye!
Till ev'ry motion, pulse, and breath be o'er;
And ev'n my Abelard be lov'd no more.
O Death all-eloquent! you only prove
What dust we dote on, when 'tis man we love.
Then too, when fate shall thy fair frame destroy,
(That cause of all my guilt, and all my joy)
In trance ecstatic may thy pangs be drown'd,
Bright clouds descend, and angels watch thee round,
From op'ning skies may streaming glories shine,
And saints embrace thee with a love like mine.
May one kind grave unite each hapless name,
And graft my love immortal on thy fame!
Then, ages hence, when all my woes are o'er,
When this rebellious heart shall beat no more;
If ever chance two wand'ring lovers brings
To Paraclete's white walls and silver springs,
O'er the pale marble shall they join their heads,
And drink the falling tears each other sheds;
Then sadly say, with mutual pity mov'd,
"Oh may we never love as these have lov'd!"
From the full choir when loud Hosannas rise,
And swell the pomp of dreadful sacrifice,
Amid that scene if some relenting eye
Glance on the stone where our cold relics lie,
Devotion's self shall steal a thought from Heav'n,
One human tear shall drop and be forgiv'n.
And sure, if fate some future bard shall join
In sad similitude of griefs to mine,
Condemn'd whole years in absence to deplore,
And image charms he must behold no more;
Such if there be, who loves so long, so well;
Let him our sad, our tender story tell;
The well-sung woes will soothe my pensive ghost;
He best can paint 'em, who shall feel 'em most.
The above are the poem lyrics of Eloisa to Abelard by Alexander Pope, which is the source of the movie title Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
This week was excellent!! I spent the week white water rafting. And I got paid for it. This job is a cake walk compared to the hellish bosses, politics and duties of crap disguised as employment I've had in the past. I think that was a run on sentence. Anyhow, there will be lots of pictures soon. Some of this trip and my exciting roadtrip out to California. Me and the Stardust, baby!!
I feel totally out of the loop. Is there a new Pope? What is going on in Iraq? I don't know. It was a breath of fresh air to be unplugged for a week. I miss being outside for more than a couple of hours a day. Last night I had to turn down the heat to 50 degrees. My body had acclimated to the 30 degree nights in a sleeping bag. It is amazing how body draws so much energy from the natural world. I didn't feel restless all week. As my bio states I am a hippie chick.
I would like to give a huge shout out to S for taking me to the airport at 4:30am last Thursday. You rock!! And she let me have high school flashbacks as we visited some of our old haunts. She also gives me juicy gossip and keeps me sane. I love you, hon!!
So the laundry list this week includes ( in no particular order):
Finding a new crush
Getting my brother to be the DD at my best friends Bachelor party
Catching up with old friends
Skiing
Laundry
Giving the dog a bath
Organizing, unpacking and donating a ton of stuff I brought back from MI
Fixing my taxes (Grrrr)
Getting the guest list from my mother for my sisters wedding
And about a page and a half of other things!
As expected this week will be another adventure. I'll keep you posted.
So. I feel an update is necessary. However, I have no energy to do such. I am craving the creature comforts: Friends, lovers, a good book, scilence. I love my life, but I need a break. Spend time inside myself.
Last week I said goodbye to my grandmother. I have no clue what this week will bring.
I have to rememeber that being human is a blessing, not a curse. At least I have some prospective on this and can laugh at myself. However, today I am not laughing. I will soon. That's what we have f*&#%ed up familes for, right?
My grandmother, who was in Hospice, passed away on Thursday. Not too long after my last post. I'm past mixed feelings of saddness, anger, guilt, peace, etc. I've gone straight to autopilot. I feel nothing. I'm feeling nothing. I've gone default.
For several reason this worries me. For one I could have a meltdown. Nuclear meltdown. Anywhere. It could be driving, when the flight attentand asks me what I want to drink or buying shoes three weeks from now, who knows? Two, this could be my slippery slope back into my depression. I hate my depression more than I can ever express. I never want to go back. I can't be friends with it and accepting it doesn't make it better. I makes me want to sleep. I am currently "stable", but not for a siginificiant amount of time. I have finally reconized the feeling of content in my daily life. I wish I was kidding. I wish I didn't have to be so honest about this. And it is possible that I make it through with a moderate amount of mourning and crying. I wish I knew myself better.
This death isn't even about me. It's about my grandmother, her life, her legacy. I guess that's my prospective. Which is competely different than solace.
My paternal grandmother has suffered from Alzheimer's for the last ten years or so. This week she stopped eating and was put into Hospice Care. Bittersweet. Finally, my grandfather has a break from the constant care that she has needed. However, she will not be here for much longer. One of the worst part about this disease is that she is already gone. I have not heard a word spoken from her since I graduated high school. I began my mourning the day she asked my father who I was. To me she has already passed, but why am I so sad? Paradoxical nature of the circle we live in. Death is simple and yet it is so much more. I guess the same could be said for a birth. Questions we will ask ourselves until the end of time. Sigh.
She taught me to play piano. Silent Night. She took me to see Bambi in the movie theater. She would help me clean my room when she came to visit. She accidently told me Santa Claus wasn't real. I have missed her. I will miss her.
I would like everyone to do the happy dance for me. Get out of your seat and shake your tukus. I have hit a milestone. A momentous occasion of the monetairly challenged. I have made it to the end of the month with money still in my bank account. Money that has not been spoken for. Money that could be considered (gasp!!) savings. I feel a vicious cycle has been broken. I am on the other side of the bills vs. salary game. This is great!!
A little Running Man or Lawnmower would be fitting. The Wave anyone?
I just realized I live in the state where Arnold is governor. A large part of me thought that this was made up. Really. I was living in the fourth dimension. The dimension of denial. Arnold. Governor. Republican. The state I live in. This is going to take a while to sink in.
I'm here and not there. Vague? Yes! Stressful? A little! Once again I have found myself at a new residence with a new job. Sigh. As you will discover my love hate relationship with employment and locale is epic-ly historical.
Let's put it this way: I'm almost 27, I have had in the past two years (Since graduation.) ten different jobs. Ten. This heinous adventure of making ends meet and trips to the emergency food will be cataloged in Jobs 101. I will take responsible for my role in the demise of these employment opportunities. However, I'm am certain that this predicament is indicative of something greater. Bad economy? The twentysomething mentalities? Psychosis plagued working environments? Hard to tell.
Currently, I am in Northern California. Beautiful doesn't do this place justice. Gorgeous, not even close. Possibly heaven on earth, but that is so cliche. The fact I can still be awe in a place that has forced me to dig my poor little Escort out of four plus foot snow drifts more than once, says something. It says a lot.
Moment of truth. I could and would consider living in this place for more than three months.
So, posting hasn't precipitated since my stint as a desk jockey. Good news I found a "real job". Bad news I have to work at this "real job". More to come. I promise with a cherry on top. And sprinkles. With nuts if your not allergic.
FYI: A "Blob" is a unit of mass according to my Engeek friend. A blob= 1lbf(in/s^2). It's a unit of mass in the English System of measurment. I'm a metric girl myself.
I stand corrected it's Enginerd.
The title of my Blog was inspired by a wonderful poem "Eloisa to Abelard" by Alexander Pope. The full poem will be posted soon. A partial verse was featured in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" starring Kate Winslet and Jim Carey. I hope this Bolg will be a place to share my favorite things: people, humor and intellctual intercourse. A "spot" in the information universe, remember everything is nothing. Future posts will include: Me, Myself and I (A personal introduction.), Jobs 101, Bad "Car"ma, Fiction/Non-fiction and other absolvements, offerings and venerations. Enjoy!!
