Being Human

Friday, April 08, 2005

I have to rememeber that being human is a blessing, not a curse. At least I have some prospective on this and can laugh at myself. However, today I am not laughing. I will soon. That's what we have f*&#%ed up familes for, right?

My grandmother, who was in Hospice, passed away on Thursday. Not too long after my last post. I'm past mixed feelings of saddness, anger, guilt, peace, etc. I've gone straight to autopilot. I feel nothing. I'm feeling nothing. I've gone default.

For several reason this worries me. For one I could have a meltdown. Nuclear meltdown. Anywhere. It could be driving, when the flight attentand asks me what I want to drink or buying shoes three weeks from now, who knows? Two, this could be my slippery slope back into my depression. I hate my depression more than I can ever express. I never want to go back. I can't be friends with it and accepting it doesn't make it better. I makes me want to sleep. I am currently "stable", but not for a siginificiant amount of time. I have finally reconized the feeling of content in my daily life. I wish I was kidding. I wish I didn't have to be so honest about this. And it is possible that I make it through with a moderate amount of mourning and crying. I wish I knew myself better.

This death isn't even about me. It's about my grandmother, her life, her legacy. I guess that's my prospective. Which is competely different than solace.