Regroup

Monday, March 19, 2007

Lost lost lost. I have lost my way. Far far far from my blog.

I have a list of topics that I brainstormed last week when I only have 6.5 minutes on the library computer. Not I have a whole 15 minutes and can't decide what to write. Oh well. I guess I have to start somewhere again.

Out of the blue someone e-mailed (Myspace) and asked me out for drinks. I'm having a bit of hesitation accepting the offer. The time I tried internet dating it didn't work out. Shiver. The real part of my is: Sure why not!!! The molded bruised safe part of me is: Remember what happened last time? GRRRRHAHHHUUUUUGGGHHHHH!!!!!

Erease it all. All the bad, ugly guarded parts are gone.

Huh, I titled this bolg for a reason. Wouldn't have guessed it was a secret wish.

Living and Learning

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

So, I feel good that I just vented all over blogland. A big step for me. But I want to learn how to not be so drained afterward (or even during). Suggestions anyone?

Drive Me Crazy

I think there was a Melissa Joan Hart movie to that title? This blog has nothing to do with that.

I am steaming mad at the roomate right now. I keep getting this lecture about how I need to pay rent. RIGHT NOW! I do need to pay rent. I'll agree to that and I will as soon as I have the money. I have been paid $521 by the yoga studio. I have to wait for it to be processed (48 hours). I've explained this to the roomate several times. She keeps making me feel like I'm fucking around. As if I realy do have the money, I just don't want to pay it. Completey pisssing me off.

I just got the "Don't be direspectful..." lecture. So angry about this.

Cut me some slack here. It is obovious that she sees the 48 hour waiting peroid as my fault, but there is little room to compromise for her. She could ask the landlord to not cash the check unitl later this week. Tell her the situation. I offered to talk to the landlord myself, that didn't go over well either.

She is making this out to be like I'm a repeat offender. Like we've been though this before. Not even close. I've never been late with my rent. NEVER. In fact while I was out of town I payed for two months (plus bills) up front. In September. I lived there for 20 days of the two months I payed for. I didn't have to do that. I wasn't obligated at all. I could have moved out.

And now I'me being treated like a freakin' criminal. GRRRRrrrrrr....

For My Big

Saturday, December 02, 2006

1. What are you proud of?
Myself. It's been a hard year, but I made it through, on top it all too!

2. What time do you wake up in the morning?
This morning I was up at 5:30am. Most days it's 7am.

3. If there was one person from your past that you could go back and talk to who would it be?
My grandmother.

4. Name 5 things in your freezer at the moment.
Cranberries
Cornish Game Hen
Bananas
Corn Muffins
Ice Cubes

5. Do you believe in afterlife?
Absolutely

6. what are 5 sites you visit daily?
Bolg and Releated Blogs
Yahoo Mail
MySpace (It's like crack)
Bank (Show me the Money!)
Half.com (Sad shopping fix)

7. 5 things you ate that you would never eat again?
Brussel Sprouts (Childhood Trauma)
Canned Stew
Anything from McDonalds (or the like)
Non-organic Apples
Tofu (Ick)

8. 5 things that make you sad.
People who are not kind.
People who don't believe in themselves
My parents getting old.
Fiore not being in my life.
Denial.

Readers Pick

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Warning: This blog is rated "R" for strong adult language

I wasn't sure what I should title this blog: Point of Contention or 20 Fucking Dollars. Read on and decide for yourself.

On Tuesday I went into my new job to fill out paperwork, get my badge, receive my uniform, blah, blah, blah.

I left truly overloaded with "stuff" I looked like a cartoon character that had been on a shopping spree, just the legs showing.

Molly the chatty HR lady that helped me, mentioned something about employee discounts. I didn't hear all of it, interference from the "stuff", so later that day I browsed though the employee handbook.

As a seasonal employee you don't get much. The pay usually sucks and no healthcare. We do get little perks here and there and the employee handbook is the best place to find them. Going down the list: 50% food, 25% retail, free ski lessons, $10/day ski rentals---WAIT WHAT?

$10 a day ski rentals!!! WTF!!! I'm still so 'effing angry about this. When I broke up with my former boyfriend, my parent were in the plane to come an visit me. I decided to wait until they left to break up with him (A whole five days). One thing at time right? And yes he was stuck doing the usual "parents in town stuff", dinner and a night out. My parents also went skiing at said resort and he offered to "take care of" their ski rental. I didn't ask, he offered. I felt slightly guilty, knowing the end result of the weekend. Still he offered.

When the break up did occur, it was not pretty. The ski rental and all the other things he had "done for my parents" was a huge point of contention. I was called some very ugly things which included, but not limited to: lying conniving dishonest using bitch.

I can take my lumps, fine, and maybe I should have broken up with him sooner, but my side of the situation was a pretty grey area. The ex on the other hand, FLAT OUT LIED TO ME AND THEN FUCKING BLAMED IT ON ME!!! HE MADE ME BELIEVE THAT HE HAD "WORKED OUT" THIS HUGE DEAL FOR MY PARENTS RENTAL ($80 or so), IN TRUTH HE DIDN'T PAY ANYTHING (except maybe in favors), AND IF HE HAD PAYED IT WOULD HAVE COST A WHOLE TWENTY FUCKING DOLLARS. TWENTY FUCKING DOLLARS!!!

I AM SO ANGRY!

Here is the number one way for me not to like you: Lie to me. I either know it off hand or eventually find out. The karmic world is good to me like that. I felt bad for my ex when we broke up. It was really hard for both of us. Sorry no more, my friends. The ex has moved to his rightful framework space: Genus, ASSHOLE Species, POND SCUM.

I already have my little speech for him if I do run into him at work (TWENTY FUCKING DOLLARS....!) I just hope that there are no small children or innocent bystanders.

Note to reader: If you haven't figured it out yet, DON'T piss me off. It will be ugly very very very ugly. I don't get angry often, but I make it memoralbe when I do. Just ask Bob my high school youth group leader. Still to this day he brings up the one time he saw me angry, and how it scared the shit out of him (his exact words).

Overtime From Pearlie

Monday, November 27, 2006

It's still snowing.

Today has been a strange day and can be summed up with the following: Caravan of four cars double park on the two lane road (snowy slippery)in downtown Truckee. In front of the yoga studio, where I work. Why? To stand outside in only sweatshirt and smoke cigarettes. Is it just me or does this seem really really wrong?

I was also reminded of my trip to SF. It was a good end to my vacation and I spent some time with an estranged friend. I also saw this:



Yes, my blogging friends that is a cat on a leash. Nothing too special. BUT....

Who was walking the cat? Good Question!

A transient person (i.e. a homeless man). It was probably the strangest thing I have ever seen. A cat on a leash, attached to a shopping cart full of stuff belonging to a man who was panhandling for money. Still puzzled.

It is just me or do cats look completely miserable on a leash? Just because you can do it, doesn't mean you should.

Like this:



Are we really that bored?

I seem to have a cat theme this week, too. Interesting...

PS-Pearlie, thanks(?) for landing you car in a ditch and getting your chain (in the most unremovealbe way) wrapped around the tire. I have enjoyed this guilt free overtime blogg.

PPS- I am nauseated at the number of cat themed sewater that people could wear (Why? Go, why?

For Reals

Sunday, November 26, 2006

It's snowing. WOOOHOOOOOO!!!!

Tomorrow I will have most of my ducks in a row. Winter jobs will be starting and I can pay my bills. I'm a little worried working at the resort that my ex works at. We didn't separate on the best terms. It's only a matter of time before we run into each other. I know this, he may not. Which makes me feel a sad for him. BAD BAD BAD habit. protecting the people I date. It's fierce and un-stopable. I've painted myself into a corner more than once. Maybe I should date someone I don't feel like that towards. OOOooo, I might be on to something. Yeah!!

My roomate will be out of town until Thursday, so I can have naked time when ever I want. I slept on the couch last night. It was pretty cold and the wood stove is our only source of heat. My little dog can only produce so much heat. Men are much better at keeping you warm at night.

I'm a little worrried about my sister. She seems depressed. I could think of a couple of reasons why, but I'm not sure how to approach the topic. I have a little experience here and I'm pretty sure "Hey, L I think you are depressed and should talk about it" won't go over well.

NOTE: If someone in you life is depressed DO NOT (I repeat DO NOT) advise them to "do something" about it. Here's why: 1. It takes all their energy to get out of bed in the morning. The last thing we need in another thing to do. 2. If they could fix it by just doing one thing, they would. 3. Something is so vague it makes thier head hurt even more. So what should you do? Any of the following: Tell them that you love them and really care about them. Ask them if there is anything that you can to to help. Offer to take them to see someone. And taking my own advice: Do not ignore that this person in you life is sad. Let them know what you see and how it affects you (rememeber to use nonviolent communication).

Maybe I will say something.

Making My Day

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Yeah, I'm absolutely sure I could have been doing something more productive than blog surfing. It totally paid off.

I found the Stuff On My Cat website. I laughed so hard at this picture, I cried. Can't remember the last time that happened. It felt good.

That cat will be killing someone in it's sleep. Still laughing.

Growing Out

Last night, I had my first massage appointment. It went really well and my client saved my ass. I can afford a turkey and some cranberries. Truly, thankful.

I was disturbed by the reaction of my friends. Yes, I went to a strange man's house to massage him. Yes, he could have raped/murdered me. Yes, I understand that you have my back and care for me.

BUT..

Really WTF!! I think it's a huge mistake to assume that anyone will behave in a certian way beacuse of their gender. Pisses me off. I cannot will not buy into the the "predator male" scare tatic that has been ingrained into our lives. Femminism goes both ways, it's all about respect and being equals. Being secretive about abuse and violence isn't goig to help to problem. Ideas and behavior that support the idea every one with a penis will potentially be violent towards me, won't help either. It just another scapegoat excuse that is easier to hold on to and defend than challenging ourselves to growing.

I love the men in my life. I love that they are kind good people that care. I love the fact I can lean on them and they lean back. I don't fear them, even as a stranger.

In the nick of time...

Monday, November 20, 2006

I decided last month that I will not be celebrating Christmas. I'm not Christan to begin with so celebrating "our saviors birth" seems a little fake. Kwanzaa are possiblities Hanukah, but I don't how to celebrate either one. I may have decided on the good old pagan holiday of Yule (i.e. Winter Solstice), true I have no clue how to celebrate this holiday, but pagans are pretty cool with making stuff up as you go along. That is until I discovered Gobal Orgasm Day (December 22, 2006). I can to this, have fun, not be stressed out, minimal chance of over eating/over drinking, no crowds to fight, no money to spend and possibly change the world. What is there not to love?

You can check out the founders blog here. Read the comments they are effing hilarious!!

Good Times

Here's a recent pic of me (in red) and my massage family.



From left to right: Andrew (Calss Clown), Joanna (Serious Teacher), Ciela (The Dancer), Fatty (Needs a little skin on his bones), Christine (The Journalist), Kristy (Funny Teacher). In front: Katie (Fellow Arian), Myself and Josh (The slightly neurotic one)

Cyberspace Snow Dance

1. Massage clients. It's no longer about the money. I cannot (CANNOT!) sit in front of a computer for eight hours a day. I'd rather shovel horse shit.



2. SNOW!!!!! I want to SKI!!! I have gas money, skis and my pass. Well, clothes too. All I need is the magic white stuff!! Please powder gods and goddeses (snow) shower down upon us and bless these humble mortals with freedom, speed and beauty.

Not just anybody...

Sunday, November 19, 2006

I've been sitting at a desk. My index finger now has a stress injury from all my internet surfing. Sunday's are pretty slow around here. I caught up on some shopping and stalking (see below).

The thing is that I'm on the verge of complete boredom. The massaging hasn't picked up yet and I have no money. I recieved charity quinoa (keen-wa) from my roomate. You know you are a hippie when your hungry, po' and as a hand out you get an un-pronouncealbe grain to live off for the next week.

I did carpe diem and having little or no food yesterday, did a gall bladder cleanse. Ick, right? Exactly. Let's just say the results were very interesting and not uncommon in the Land of Hydrogenated Fatty Foods. Save your gall bladder from the clutches of the evil surgeon and raise your glass of olive oil and lemon juice!!!!

So here are some new pictures of me. Ok, no photos just yet. Yahoo! isn't working. Blar.

I am metal and I am steel...

Laura and I went to see Bob Schneider on Wednesday. I was f&*%($*g awesome. Just a little crush. He cut his hair, too. Still hot.



My week hit a low on Thursday. Never use Sallie Mae, they fucked me over, big time. I need a Bob Fix.



A song titled: "All I want for Christmas is my Methadone". How can you go wrong?

Shelter Cove

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

I collected rocks today. Here....



The waves were huge and so beautiful. I didn't take this picture, but it's pretty close. Maybe a bit more rain, soggier shoes. I have a pretty good collection to start my Hot Stone Massage collection. I had a great day. Hopefully, the first of many to come.

On My Mind

Monday, November 06, 2006

I am struggling my way though this Hot Stone Intensive. Again and again my thoughts drift to one fear: I will be going back to Lake Tahoe. I will have to drive a car again. Shop at Safeway. See a television. Not loking forward to all the stress and distractions. I like my day simple. I like my food simple. I like my job simple. I like my life simple.

I also know that I can't hide forever. I had a place outside this world and it's still there for me. I just hope I'll make it through the re-entry phase.

I wish I could shut my brain off.

Moments Lost

Saturday, November 04, 2006

I have experienced the full rage of emotions these past few weeks. Even ones that I didn't think existed (i.e. "I wish she would stop poking my aura, it annoying the f**k out of me." and "I guess the Ruben sandwhich was o.k."). Right now the meter is pensive with a slight chance of anti-social behavoir.

Good news is I've finally gotten my shit together and went back to school. Massage school. My nickname in college wasn't "Magic Fingers" for nothing and is possibly another post all together, but I digress. I've just finished my intensive and started a week of Hot Stone training. I plan on getting "stoned" everyday this week.

Puns are what happen when you live on a commune (with out the pedaphile, werid religion/uniforms). I think sustainable living community might be a better description. I'm consistently enterianed. I have also discovered:

You can leave you stash out and no one will steal it. It will probably be truned to the lost and found with a announcement made at dinner for lost/found stash.

Shower/Bathing are optional yet it's not as bad as imagined.

You share a phone with 70 other people and always get you messages. It may be 3 days later, but a much better track record than your own family.

Clothing optional sauna/jacuzzi=Heaven

Sponatenous singing, humming and hugging. Sometimes even in the sauna/jacuzzi!!

You can have a past life and people are actually interested.

You never watch TV and don't miss it.

Ice Cream and Chocolate are delicacies (sp?).

For fun: you get high, eat a ton of sugar and dance off your sugar high to 12:30am.

Bedtime is usually 9pm.

You meet amazing people that will change you life.

You don't have to wear a bra ever again!!

The real world just sounds exausting.

Kim Needs....

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

I pulled this from a Myspace posting.

Type "(Your Name) needs" into Google and be amused at what is returned.

Here's what I got:

Kim needs to take off the gloves (....ummmm sure...)

I was hoping for something I actually needed like money, a new job, but no.

I have GLOVES!!

PS-I looked for a glove picture but ended up searching for "Kim needs" in Google images. I ended up looking at baby seal being clubbed to death. I think I'm going to be sick.
PPS- This ball glove pic came from The Sandalady. The sweet old lady fixing baseball glove almost made up for the seal clubbing trauma. (Shiver)

Word of the Day, vol 2

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Two well educated people (myself and my current crush) did not reconize this word. So, I thought it worthy to showcase it in "Word of the Day":

phenomenology
noun
1. the study of phenomena.
2. the system of Husserl and his followers stressing the description of phenomena.
or
noun
1. A philosophy or method of inquiry based on the premise that reality consists of objects and events as they are perceived or understood in human consciousness and not of anything independent of human consciousness.
2. A movement based on this, originated about 1905 by Edmund Husserl.

I will admit the idea that the only consciousness we percieve is the one we create as humans, is a litte deep for 9:00am, but it's fun to say fi-nom-uh-nol-uh-jee.

I'M FRRREEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Well mostly....

My hours at the Evil Snack Bar have been limited to three, eight hour shifts. I slept in this morning and yesterday morning too. I might even get to sleep in tomorrow. 9am is considered sleeping in. I'm wondering if my AARP card will arrive in the mail soon. NO wait I live in Truckee, I actually won't be getting that until my 75th birthday.

I missed my dreams. My fucked up Kubrick on LSD dreams. I love my dreams. It's like going to the movies, but better. No screaming children, not soggy popcorn, no commericals for real estate, no shelling out $12.95 for two hour of whoknowswhat. Ahhhh, dreams.

Went on a hike with my sister, too. It was awesome. Posting pics soon.

Discoveries to Love

Saturday, August 19, 2006

I wouldn't admit this outside Blogland, but I spend a lot of time on the internet at work. I don't know if this is OK or not. I do my actual work, I guess I have a lot of down time. I struggle with the guilt (Out, out damn guilt!!!) everyday.

A few new favorites I wanted to share:

RESCUE ME



I've never been interested in fire fighting, firefighters maybe:-), but there is something about this show that makes me watch every week. Surprise of the week: My sster contemplated being a volunteer firefighters. I'm still chewing on that.

PAWEL JONCA


The Seed, 2003

No clue where I found this guy. I find him inspiring with his combination of detail and humor. Beautiful, beautiful images.

DEVA PREMAL

accidentally discovered her 'dakshina' album. This woman has an truly amazing, pure and healing voice. Move over Enya.


NATALIE DEE



I know I've already featured Natalie in "Borgasm", but this woman is f^$&#*@ hilarious. Check out her blog for some good reading and a picture of Tom Cruise as a woman.

Throwing an Onion

Saturday, August 12, 2006

I read this "story" today on The Onion website. It's pretty dark , but hella funny.

Teen Drowns Right In Middle Of Grief Counselor's First Date In Two Years

August 11, 2006

ANKENY, IA—In a turn of events local grief counselor Maggie Hedrick described Tuesday as "typical" and "[her] life in a nutshell," the 32-year-old’s first date since entering her 30s ended abruptly Sunday when the lifeless body of Washburn High School sophomore David Schiller was found in nearby Big Creek Lake.
Enlarge ImageGrief Counselor

"The waiting is the hardest part," says Hedrick. "At least David's parents don't have to go through that."

Schiller, who could literally have chosen any other day in the last two years to achieve a reported blood-alcohol level of .22, fall out of his canoe, and ingest three gallons of water, opted to drown on the one evening Hedrick had plans to meet and have dinner with an actual single male.

"Why is it no one ever jumps off a building or dies in a car crash when I’m stuck playing solitaire at home?" Hedrick said. "I pulled weeds from my garden all day Saturday. Where were all the drownings of teenaged boys with their whole lives still ahead of them then?"

While Hedrick acknowledged that no one is ever prepared for a tragic loss of the magnitude of Schiller’s death, she said she should have nonetheless seen it coming, given her personal luck. "Helping family members through the grieving process is never easy," Hedrick said. "But it’s especially heartbreaking when you have to ditch a handsome guy who also happens to like early-20th-century architecture."
Teen Drowns Teen R

Schiller

Emergency rescue teams, working with what Hedrick called "speed and efficiency on a level I’d never before seen from them, of course," recovered Schiller’s body less than 40 minutes after Hedrick and substitute teacher Jeff Lindenbaum, 30, met for dinner at a local seafood restaurant. Approximately 15 minutes later, Hedrick received a call from Ankeny police summoning her to the scene of the accident, as if her immediate presence would somehow bring Schiller’s bloated, waterlogged corpse back to life.

A report issued Monday by the Polk County Coroner’s Office put Schiller’s time of death somewhere between the moment Lindenbaum arrived at Hedrick’s residence with a bouquet of fresh flowers at 6:34 p.m. and the very instant both realized that the other also had wishes to someday raise a family at 6:58 p.m.

"I don’t want to sound insensitive, but David’s parents will have the rest of their lives to mourn the death of their only son," said Hedrick, who claimed to have a "pretty good idea" how Howard and Janet Schiller felt when they heard the news. "Initial denial of a tragedy is a natural and understandable human impulse. What’s another two or three hours, in the grand scheme of things?"

"Don’t get me wrong, it would’ve been a whole different situation had the date been going badly. In fact, I would have probably welcomed Schiller’s death if that had been the case," Hedrick added. "But Jeff and I were really hitting it off."

Although Lindenbaum left a message on Hedrick’s voice mail late Sunday night, he has not called again since, leading Hedrick to fear that a rare opportunity for a serious relationship may have been "totally blown."

"David’s death has affected not only those who knew him, but also those who had never even met him," Hedrick said. "Not even once."

"I don’t know exactly how Howard and Janet are handling this, as I’ve been too busy wondering if Jeff will ever call me again to actually pay attention, but I imagine they must feel responsible on some level," continued Hedrick. "While it’s just a hypothesis, there’s a possibility that if both parents had paid more attention to their son, I would be getting laid right now."

"What a tragic waste of a night," she added.

History For One

Saturday, August 05, 2006

I am always amused when I read back over my blog/journal entries. Always. It gives me self-esteem a little boost, too. On paper I'm well thought out, intelectual and humouros. I've had a hard time feeling like that in real life, so it's good to know I haven't lost it somewhere. Highlights of the past round include:

Completely forgettiing that my nipple being bitten by a horse. See May 2005, I didn't make it up, promise.
Laughing at the agony I felt breaking up with Aidan and my list after list of resoning. I think I might be over it and from now on naked time is a must.

Four Things Times Nine and then Some

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Honest to Goddess truth: I like reading the "About You" Surveys, but I despise filling them out. I think I may have once sometime during college? (Hahaha...That's an excellent answer to any question you don't want to really divulge.) Thatgirl had recently posted this and I actually feel compelled to fill it out, enjoy!!

A) Four jobs I have had in my life
1. Receptionist at a Yoga Studio
2. Director of a Girl Scout Camp
3. Medical Assistant at a Choice Clinic and Planned Parenthood
4. Glorified Baby sitter (i.e. subsitute teacher, outdoor rec manager, dorm parent)

B) Four movies you would watch over and over that no one would ever guess:
1. Babe
2. L.A. Story
3. Waynes World 1 and 2
4. Napoenln Dynamite

C) Four places you have lived:
1. Michigan (Holly, East Lanising and Clarkston)
2. Illinois (Chicago)
3. Texas (Austin, Dallas)
4. California (Lake Tahoe-ish)

D) Four TV shows you love to watch:
1. Coupling
2. Girlfriends
3. Friends
4. Arrested Develpoment

E) Four places you have been on vacation:
1. Cozumel (Eat, Sleep, Lay on Beach Topless)
2. Rome (Amazing), Paris (Hot), London (Old Stuff Overload)
3. Yellowstone, Big Bend, Adarondacks, Gila, Tahoe
4. Washington, D.C. (Hands down the worst family vaca. ever)

F) Four websites you visit daily:
1. Yahoo
2. Myspace
3. IBM Texas Employees Federal Credit Union
4. Nevada County Library

G) Four of my favorite foods:
1. Gluten-Free: cake, doughnuts, pies, cookies, pasta (I have Celiac Disease)
2. Salmon with steamed veggies and rice
3. Any type of berry
4. Ice Cream (organic of course)

H) Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Having amazing sex
2. Swimming
3. Dancing in my living room
4. Hiking with my dog

I) Favorite Sports:
1. Hockey (To watch)
2. Skiing (In winter)
3. Hoseback Riding/Rock Climbing (In Summer)
4. Hide and Seek, Sardines and Red Rover (Because they never get old)

I don't know where J-Z is, so I made up some of my own.

J) Four place you've had sex besides your bedroom:
1. On the Beach
2. In the Media Room
3. At a Party
4. In a Shower

K) Four embarrasing moments:
1. Throwing up on the bus in 4th grade
2. Throwing up at my best friends 13th birthday party
3. Professional Bull Riders Competion (Reno, NV)
4. Temper Tantrum at Mammoth Ski Resort (Not pretty, but really funny. In my defense skiing with numb feet is impossible)

L) Four People you would like to meet:
1. My Soul Mate
2. Ani Di Franco
3. Dr. Alfred Kinsey
4. The First Woman President

M) Four things that make you feel like a kid again:
1. Dancing
2. Making that "squeaky" noise with your straw
3. Hanging out with my siblings
4. Camping

N) Four things you would like to do before you expire:
1. Pay off my school loans
2. Buy three houses
3. Live guilt free
4. Be a good person

O) Four personality traits you cannot stand:
1. People who are always the victim
2. Laziness
3. Any centric thinking
4. "I'm right your wrong" type of people

P) Four Personality Traist I admire about people:
1. Honesty
2. Courage: To do the right thing or to change themselves for the better
3. Kindness
4. Their ability to laugh at themselves

Q) Four pets you have had:
1. K.C. (dog)
2. Smugde (cat)
3. Fiore (dog)
4. Mixie (cat)

R) Four Pet Peeves:
1. Spitting
2. People who don't read signage
3. Bad Parenting
4. Messy Closets

S)Four things you look forward to this month (August):
1. Paying off my credit card bills
2. A weekend in Napa
3. Hanging out with my sister
4. Sleeping in and/or doing yoga


I only got to "S", my days of getting to know you/ice breakers are fading. Namaste.

Loopy History

Cleaning out the e-mails and found this one:

Scott,

I sent a mass e-mail to tell everyone this, but you
are special and get a personal e-mail. Hahaha. I
just didn't want you to be out of the loop. I moved
again. To California. Crazy huh? Been here about a
week. It's snowed 20+ inches. Fiore loves it. I love
it too. The job in Dallas wasn't for me. I can't
spend 10-12 hours in a kitchen and work 70 hours a
week. It's just not me. Let me know what is up in
your side of the country. Take care.

HUGS!
Keem

I feel like I need to justify recent actions, but only to myself. I have two jobs now. I work 80 hours a week now. 40 of them in a kitchen. The only excuse I can come up with is that Dallas is a hole and I was depressed. I feel better about myself, my life and my direction. I'm puzzled really. Something, so unhappy then is reaonable and exciting now. I never would have guessed.

Word of the Day

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

I suscribe to the word of the day on my Yahoo! account. Yes, I am a word geek and proud of it!! I've know all the words of the day for the past seven years. Today I was suprised I had never heard this word, but I think its a great adjective.

The word of the day is:

phlegmatic
definition: (adjective) sluggish and unemotional in temperament.

I like it because it sounds a lot like phlem. Not that I like phlem. But the word itself is very good at describing itself. I'm picturing a nasty cold that is sluggish to leave your nose. A person with a goober green aura (ick). Someone or some thing with a negative cool factor. ie said person walks into room and the cool factor drops to a negative scale. Exapmles include my sisters old roomate and Hitler.

The J1 Polsih guys from work are having a party tonight. I can't wait. I was promised where would be dancing!

1-2, Cha cha cha!

Quoting the Dead

Thursday, June 29, 2006

i have a confession: I have been advoiding my blog. Actively advoiding. My coping mechanism is to intenalize my thought and feelings. I guess I've defaulted. I know the importantce to "venting" to blogland. I just suck at taking care of myself.

In the news, my parents turned fifty. They were insanely young when they had me (a mistake/blessing) at 22. My mom still says condom as a swear word. Divorce is also said as a swear word. Come to think of it, I don't think she's ever said "gay" either.

I threw them a birthday party. A suprise birthday party. I think my stomach deserves an award for the shit I put it through the last couple of months and espically the last week.

First, I lied waaaaayyyy toooo much to the 'rents to pull this thing off. Second, it was wayyyyyyy toooo easy to lie to them. I did make easy on myself, I kept it mostly real with a bit if tweaking here and there.

When you are a kid you think that you can get away with lying, but you suck at it because you are six. When you're an adult however, it's not hard to do, but the guilt, oh, the guilt. I felt really bad for my parents.

I'm sitting in the parking lot at Hobby Lobby, two blocks from my parents house. I'm talking to my dad. I'm supposedly in LA waiting for my plane. I felt like a superhero with three different identities. I don't think I could ever work for the CIA or even be an actress. I have a hard time figuring out who I am on a daily baisis. Playing a part would be no good.

The party went over very well. Both of my parent were suprised. It was exactly how I imagined it.

I'm so glad it's all over, but at the same time....I keep wondering:

What the hell do I do now?

I don't really have anything to stress about. Money is good. Bills are mostly paid. I have a place to sleep and food to eat.

What a long strange trip it's been....

Spring Cleaning

Sunday, June 18, 2006

A couple of updates. Enjoy.

"32 Flavors"

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Squint your eyes and look closer
I'm not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
and I'm beyond your peripheral vision
so you might want to turn your head
cause someday you're going to get hungry
and eat most of the words you just said

both my parents taught me about good will
and I have done well by their names
just the kindness I've lavished on strangers
is more than I can explain
still there's many who've turned out their porch lights
just so I would think they were not home
and hid in the dark of their windows
til I'd passed and left them alone

And god help you if you are an ugly girl
course too pretty is also your doom
cause everyone harbors a secret hatred
for the prettiest girl in the room
and god help you if you are a pheonix
and you dare to rise up from the ash
a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
while you are just flying back

I'm not trying to give my life meaning
by demeaning you
and I would like to state for the record
I did everything that I could do
I'm not saying that I'm a saint
I just don't want to live that way
no, I will never be a saint
but I will always say

Squint your eyes and look closer
I'm not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
and I'm beyond your peripheral vision
so you might want to turn your head
cause someday you might find you're starving
and eating all of the words you said

Better Prospective

Friday, March 24, 2006

I found place. I feel a gillion times better. Everything else will fall into place. I'm pretty sure about that.

Just Remembered

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

It's "Eye Candy" Wedsenday. Ok, that isn't offical, but I need distraction in my stressful state. Internet=Distraction.

My sister and I watched "Pride and Prejudice" the movie. Not the 6 tape A&E version. I have to say I missed him. I missed Colin Firth. So here he is.



I was hoping to find him in a kilt (Check SFH Blog), but then I realized that he's English not Scotish. So here are a couple more:




and click here to see the best ones.

Hmmmm....

I just clicked on the next blog button just for fun. I got a whole lot of fun and porn on juliasloveguide.blospot.com. I'm really not sure what to think: My lucky day or Blogspot Smut?

For the record I'm undecided on the whole porn issue. Good, bad, other? Who knows?

A Little Bit...

...stressed that is. Or, should I say: STRESSED!!!!!

My lovely roomate has infomed me that she wants to live alone. She told me this a week ago. Our lease ends April 1st.

I have a full time job and no money. This could be explained if I had a drug, alcohol, gambling, shoe addicition. I don't. So I now have another job. With the man. Starbucks. Ok, they are still the man, but they have really good benis and they work with my other commitments. I get to arrive at work at 4am and drink all the coffee I want.

I am not a nice person sleep deprived and strung out on caffiene.

My previous employer (cough) forgot to take out for my federal taxes. My 1040EZ is all kinds of messed up from this.

My sister's car broke down. I get to play chauffer in my non existent spare time.

I wish I was in a better mood.

Really I promise I'm a nice person.

Lucky Me

Thursday, March 16, 2006

I have my sister's computer for the evening. I'm supposed to be doing taxes (Blar). Of course, bloggin is much more fun. It hard to stay away. It's been over a month. Blogland I miss you.

I just had an over whelming sense of guilt. I thought about what I wanted to write, but then I thought "That's not nice, you shouldn't say anything."

In defiance of my deep seeded guilt I will say it. There are many other things I haven't done in the past month. Having happy fun naked time, doing the hibbity dibbitty, enjoying naptime, etc. It's actually been more like five months. I broke up with the boyfriend at the end of January. You do the math.

I am at a crossroads here. Do I vent my frustrations of my previous relationship to the deep sea of blog? Who will read this? Will he read this? He can. Should that stop me? Is this helpful behavior or just an attempt to keep holding on? Do I even have a right to say (maybe possibly tarnished) things about my ex eventhough I ended the realtionship?

The problem is I did do the breaking up. It sucked. A LOT. I have not allowed myself the space to really recover. I feel like I should just be able to get over this. Move on the next day, right? It was my choice I should embrace it!!

There was an intensty in our relationship that left an abundance of psychological carnage. For both parties involved. That sucks, too. I know how much that this must of hurt for the other party involved. I have an empathy envelope that is truly inhibiting the recovery process.

Fuck it. My therapist appointment isn't until next week.

The thing is, I left that relationship because I had no identity. I didn't have much going into and I felt more lost than ever in the last months of our realtionship. Could I have stopped it? I didn't even know that it had happened. I'm not sure how or why or when. And the bigger problem is how do I get it back?

Ok that's only partly true. I know how it happened. Part of it was the sex. I can't apologize. The nice girl part of my wants to badly, but I need to leave this behind. I will say nothing more but this: I have a true identiy in my sexuality. I love that part about myself. I like sharing this part of myself with other worthy people. I feel that is the least poisioned and healthiest part of my psyche. I understand that the person you are with has thier issues and own needs. However, when someone does not want to have sex with you yet they are (supposedly) attracted to you feel ugly, unwanted and hideous. I feel hideous, unwanted and unattractive. The one part I felt confident and healthy about I couldn't even express. What little self esteem I had has been dissolved. I had nothing left.

My deepest fear is that I will be called shallow and selfish for this choice. And in my fucked up little world, I guess I would be. I'm trying to change that world thoes rules that I didn't make, but had to obey just to survive. There is no thriving or living in the world I came from. Just pain, survival and getting by.

I can't do that any more I can't. I might not be the nice girl anymore.

Ohio

Thursday, February 09, 2006

I never thought I would be writing a post about Ohio. Why? Well, Ohio is lacking in many many ways. I can count on my hand the number of cool things there are to do in Ohio.

#1 Cedar Point
#2 The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame/Museam
#3 Lake Erie (Minus the Zebra Mussels. Oh, I wouldn't eat anything you catch.)
#4 My Aunt lives there?
#5 Well, I couldn't even come up with five.

It's pretty darn boring and unexciting. People living in Detroit make fun of Ohio. Most of Midwesterns do too. It's sad.

But who do people from Ohio make fun of?* I was blown away when my co-worker born and raised in Ohio (By the way, Detroit was a vacation destination for them growing up.) Laid into, very very passionately: The Amish. Yes, the Amish. She went off on the Amish! I couldn't believe it! The Amish.

Now, I will say she had a point that no culture or sub-culture is a perfect Utopia. We have a view that the Amish have chosen a "better/purer" life. Which may not be the case, but picking on the Amish, just dosen't seem fair. They have a culture that has sustained itself without the all technological hoopla (or most of it).

I'm still a little confused about all this. Ohio and the Amish, I never would have thought.

*This is, of course not based on fact, just recent suprising experience.

Living Single

Thursday, February 02, 2006

I am offically single again. It's public. I broke up with the boyfriend.

I would like to give you the play by play, but the truth is break-ups suck and this one wasn't really any different.

Why? Honeslty, I outgrew the realationship or the realtionship wasn't growing as fast as I needed. "It's not you it's me" guised as another phrase.

I'm much sadder about the whole thing than I thought I would be. Eventhough, I was the breaker.

I'm not glad to break-up with someone, but the timing was right espically since rest of the week has been a blur.

The Mighty Escort died. Stranded on the side of the road. It wasn't worth fixing it. So, I found myself wearing the first time car buyer hat. I would like to flat out (Well, at least in cyber space) tell my father he was wrong, the car I got was a good deal and I even talked the dealer down from the asking price. I went with my intuition and feel good about my decision. Being informed is good, but there is a balance between the brain and the gut.

I am now the proud owner of a 2001 (new to me) Subaru Impreza Outback. I guess I'm in love again!! At least I know the break-up probably won't happen until after I pay it off (ouch).

PS-There needs to be a better phrase than break-up. It sounds like you had a realtionship with a china tea cup, not a person. Dissolved? Clean up? Downsized? Any suggestions?

One Love

Thursday, January 26, 2006

My parents are in town. That means a lot to the peeps out there who have acutally met my parents. Or better yet: Been yelled at by my father or stuffed full of cookies by my mother. The long and short of it.

A couple weeks ago I battled with a week long depression. My remission has been excellent lately, but the holidays brought on some blues. Honestly, I would take a shitty week over the mind numbing years that I've previously experienced.

Depression? Parents? Where is this all going? Today has scientifically proven that my parents make me depressed. I can't escape the bleakness. It's amazing that I've never made this connection before.

Synopsis:
Mom-- She was raised to be the perfect wife and mother. Doting and sacrificing everything for her husband and children. She has no identity. She can't decide what pants to wear.

Dad-- Recovering Acolholic. Starting over career. Template type A personality. Busy but only really distracted. Really, really, really, lucky that his children still talk to him.

Three minutes into the movie it you know nothing good is going to happen. (Thinking of Mystic River, Godfather, Monster?) I grew up in this plot. Sad, sad life where people are strong armed by expectations and obligations. Happiness is a luxury.

Harshly critical? Maybe. But I see it objectivly. It is what it is. I can only change and improve myself. I am truly sad that I see my mother and father as older people in my life, not my parents. Strange and true.

I'm just glad I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow.

Sunday Bloody Sunday...

Sunday, December 11, 2005

I am in pain. My back/hip area is fucked up. It's the kind of pain that makes you nausea. Looking forward to standing for eight hours straight at work tonight. In a bit of a funk also. Not sure why. It could be the ass numbing pain, but I feel like it's more. The word restless is coming to mind. Hmmm...

BORGASM

Thursday, December 01, 2005

It rained today. It is very exciting. Here rain will become snow and snow in Tahoe equals money. Everyone needs money. Whooohoo Rain!!!

It hasn't rained here in about 4 months. I live in the desert 6500 ft above sea level. Rain makes things green and grow. Everyone likes pretty green trees. Yay Rain!!!

My car broke down. Today. Why today? Because it is fucking raining and colder than Billy Graham at a GLBT mixer. Everyone hates car trouble.

There are certian words that you do NOT want to hear when you are having car trouble. Words like: Brakes, wiper fluid, air pressure, trunk are neutral and register minimal dollar signs in your brain. However words like: transmission, heater coil, radiator and alternator are not good.

I got the "a" word. Yep, my alternator is fucked.

The most ironic part is that this part new plus labor is about as much as I paid for my POS 1988 (and a half) Ford Escort hatchback.

Currently, I am stranded at work with my boyfriend. I'm barely hanging on to my sanity waiting for the inevatable Borgasm.

We Intterupt Your Daily Blog

Friday, November 04, 2005

I am not dead, I have not fallen off the earth. I didn't run away to Bali, Greece, of India. I am alive and mostly well. I promise.

My fater called me this morning. He's called me twice in the past week. I realized that this was bad. He never calls. Ever. I'm glad he's concernced.

Fishy and Gina's phone message have gone from "Hey, what's up..?" to "Where are you... and then something about a police report"

My ex (twice), brother (twice), roomate from college (four times). The list is distressing.

Thank you so much for the love. I'm sorry I haven't been able to talk. Bad cell phone reception, evening work schedule and a resurgance of my depression have contributed to a "Don't want to do anything" mind set.

I'll hopefully be getting a computer in a week or so. And I now have a desk to put it on. I guess I've gotten used to moving that a I'm at a lost in my new (improved) stationary life.

Reclaiming My Childhood

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Lately, I have been doing some serious work. Emotional work that is. I have found myself dealing with issues that I shoved away so long ago I actually neverthought I would see them again. Haha. I can't candy coat it. The places I've gone to are not pretty and I'll spare you the details. I know every semi-functional human being goes through this and I know that I will come out stronger. Welcome to Sucksville, USA. Where my traumatic childhood lives.

On a better note. I have found some enjoyment in trying to be a kid again. I bought a piano and have played it more this week than I ever did taking lessons. And my wonderful boyfriend sent me a link to Lite Brite
I was denied my creative possibilites by my mother who did not want to pick up all the little pieces of the Lite Brite. I'd like to add I never got my pony/horse either.

So FH....

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Thought a little eye candy would be nice for Hump Day. Mmmmm....

Ladies click here

And here's something for everybody....

Lazy Day...

Friday, September 09, 2005

Greenapril, your breed of dog at work is a Border Collie

You don't give up and that's your key to success. Though people might not always expect it from you since you're so sociable in the office, you've got success on the brain and won't stop short 'til you get there.

Bored? Try http://www.tickle.com A quiz for everyone and every mood.

Here what I'm wondering: If I'm a Border Collie at work, why can I not keep a job?

Snow

Thursday, September 08, 2005

My boyfriend bought me this incredible gift. It's a ball that you make ice cream in. One end you put the ice and salt. The other end you put the will be ice cream goodness. You throw it around for about 20 minutes and 'viola' you have ice cream. Fun and Yummy!!

Last week we were making ice cream and I metioned that, as a child, we had an electric ice cream maker. We would make ice cream during the winter because the snow was free. Aidan replies: 'In college, I used to put snow in my bong.'

Not much you can say to that can you? So, there you have it ladies an gentlemen, The Snow Bong.

Keeping Trac

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Looking for a job (again) and scanning the local ski resort emploment listings. Came across one that is so entertaining that I might just apply. Enjoy!!

TRACTOR DRIVER (part time)
Drives funky old International Farmall Tractors with attached passenger trailers in the parking lot, picking up customers and safely transporting them to the Main Lodge or their vehicle.

Must be friendly, courteous and safety-minded. Must have Driver's license and clean driving record. Must be able to negotiate tight parking areas without hitting people or other vehicles.

Let's Play a Game....

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

It's called "Where is Greenapril Living Now?" This is an old game for those that have know me for more than a year, but I thought I would let some of my newer peeps try. (A discussion on whether I have any friends will follow the game.) The three hints are:

1.) I cannot receive mail
2.) My dog loves it here
3.) It's hella-cold
4.) If you read my blog you would know

Can't think? Have no clue? A campground. I'm living at Goose Meadows Campground. It is an adventure. Or at least that is what I'm telling my mother. I actually don't mind. I love being outside and this is excellent excuse not to take a shower for a few days.

Why am I living in a tent? Couple of reasons. One, SVA sucks. See "To Whom It May Concern" Two, I was living with my boyfriend (of three months) and quickly realized that is was a bad (BAD!) idea. Three, I don't really have a job and only a little bit of savings. A tent is cheaper than a hotel room and my relationship, so here I am.

My mom would flip.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

Reason Why I Love the Internet #465

Saturday, September 03, 2005

I found this on http://www.nataliedee.com Check it out!!

To Whom It May Concern....

Dear Mr. President,
You are honestly the worst president we have ever had. I feel my IQ (along with my state and federal mandated test scores) drop when ever I hear you speak. Even when you bought your way (again) into office, we (The thinking citizen who didn't vote for you.) never thought you could fuck up this much. Get your shit together and be a decent human being for once. About what? Take your pick: Katrina, Iraq, Afghanistan, Gas Prices. Pick one. Make it better asshole, that's your job.

Dear Mr. Construction Worker,
You made my week. I will always prize watching you do the "Robot" while directing traffic on Brockway. You are awesome and deserve a raise. ROCK ON BROTHER!!!

Dear Tourists Sitting In Front of Me In Construction Traffic,
THE MAN IS DOING THE ROBOT!! CHILL OUT!!! YOU WILL GET YOU YOUR WINE TASTING PARTY ON BUFFY'S YACHT SOON ENOUGH!!! YOU HAVE BEEN TO HUNDREDS OF THOSE MIND NUMBING PARTIES TO BE IN A COMA!!! HE'S DOING THE ROBOT!! SOBER!!! IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET!!!

Dear SVA,
Thank you for not renewing my contract for the fall semester. You obviously have no loyalty to your employees and feel better fucking with someone else. I also appreciate you lying to my when I asked why you didn't renew my contract. It was wrong of my to think that the school would still exist if I let obnoxious and disruptive ADHD teenagers listen to music on their headphones during study hall to do (gasp) their homework!!! I hope you found some poor sucker to put up with your shit 30-40hrs a week (more like 50 to 60) for less money. Good luck with running a school like a McDonald's.

PS-Come to think of it I would rather work for you MD. You are at least organized and provide good benefits and care at least a little. Maybe a seedy hourly motel/casino would have been a better comparison.

PPS-I really like the headmaster's brand new $40,000 Volvo. It seems like yesterday when my director told me we had no money for toilet paper.

PPPS- Yes, I am still mad about all the times you made me move. I lived out of my car for a fucking week and I'm homeless again. I hope the karma bus drives over you and then backs up!!

All responses can be sent to:
Greenapril
c/o Alpine Valley Campground
Martis Creek Lake
Truckee, CA 96161

I "Heart" Horses

Thursday, September 01, 2005

I do. I loved them when I was five. I loved them when I was in high school. I love them now.

Most my days I spend with these beautiful amazing creatures I am cleaning up after them. However, this week, I had the oppounity to ride (YES!!). Twice (WHOOOOHOOOOO!!!!). I was in heaven. The first day, I spent four hours on Moon, it felt like twenty minutes. Not sore at all, I went back on Wednesday for a three hour trail ride.

The owner and I have plans to ride again next week after the holiday. I'm estatic. I'm in "heart".

The weeked of my evil twin

It didn't get any better. The crankiness. It arrived on Friday and like an unwanted house guest stayed way too long. It was my evil twin. I can't come up with a better explanation. Hormones: No. Stress: No. Boyfriend: No. I found myself saying and doing things that are very very unlike me. The overwhelming frustration fed more frustration, anger and general ulginess.

Every stressful situation has a breaking point. Mine was not pretty. Aidan decided to take his best friend and I mountain biking. I'll be nice and say his judgment was off. I am not an experienced rider (neither is his best friend) and for some reason he felt we could handle a 14 mile trek on the side of a mountain. Two miles to the end I wiped out. Big time.

The pain was incredible. Stabbing ice pick pain in my knees, Followed with a nice dose of salt. It felt like someone had actually skinned my right arm and my shoulder, nothing left but raw muscle and tendons. The non-technical term for it is "Road Rash" and it hurts like a mother%^$*&@!! My tattoo didn't even hurt this bad.

I'll probably be getting the "Oh my God, you poor thing, that is disgusting" look from my boyfriend for a couple more weeks, but today, I can actually walk without wincing and the evil twin is gone.

Warning: Bumpy Road Ahead

Friday, August 26, 2005

I am cranky. There is no question about it. I got up on the wrong side of the bed. Or couch as it was. I spent the last four days camping near the South Yuba river, sleeping in a tent. I have never slept so well in my life. On the ground. In a sleeping bag.

Last night. Back to civilization. Sleeping in a bed. Good right? No. It was bad very very bad. I felt so claustrophobic and stressed out. The walls were closing in on me. I escaped to the couch in the living room. And was welcomed by a lovely cat sleeping on my head. GARRRRRHHHHGGGHHH!!!!!!

If anyone can answer the question why I had a pusedo panic attack after four days of vacation. I would be happy to know, please.

So, armed with the intense pervasive crankiness that only comes with lack of sleep I start my day.

Goddess help us all.

Home, Home on the Range....

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Well, ladies and germs, I am back in Tahoe. My adventures have taken me far and wide. I have relaxed, de-stressed, slept, ate and drank to my little heart's desire. I plan to keep the vacation buzz going for as long as I can. Tequila sounds about right.

I will of course give the highlights. Michigan, Illinois and Misery...oops Missuori. More later.

Friday, August 12, 2005

You Belong in London A little old fashioned, and a little modern. A little traditional, and a little bit punk rock.A unique woman like you needs a city that offers everything. No wonder you and London will get along so well.

Find your City at: http://www.yournewromance.com/whatcitydoyoubelonginquiz/

Vacation is all I ever wanted...

I am about halfway through my extended (very much needed vacation). I spent a wonderful week in Michigan with Fishy, her husband and three cats. Thanks Fishy!! There be some tasteful photos of the debachery that was Dena's bachorlette party. William and Jermey we love you for taking care of our drunk asses!! Hehe. And, of course, of the beautiful wedding. I'm not Scottish, but kilts make a fine looking wedding party. Although, the "Alligator" (dance) was a more interesting part of the evening. I wish the happy couple the best life together!!

Currently, I am in Fox Lake, a suburb of Chicago at Camp Duncan. I worked here last fall. It was my usual attempt to excape from my henious life, but that time it worked. So, with fond memories, I have been painting lines (football field) for band camp, riding around in the golf cart and placating my hosts into a sugar coma with my chocolate pecan pie (It's almost as good as chocolate stuff, Fishy). Kevin and Cynthia are two of my favorite people. About a month and a half ago they got "hitched". Again truly happy for the both of them. Ahhhh...Love. Here's a picture of them on the happy day!!

A "Couple" More

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Enjoying some champagna at the summit. Look at that view!! I love Tahoe!!

It was Promised....

Save A Horse Ride A Cowboy

The love of my life...

All I Want

I have less than a week still at my real job, then a month of vacation. I like my fake job better. At least I feel accomplished after a day of shoveling shit. I have something to show for it. Even if they crap in thier stalls right after you finish. Horses are easier than humans. You can quote me on that.

I will admit that the hardent person/human to deal with is yourself. Today, I'm fighting off self-hatred with a sword of excapeism. Curled up at my boyfriend's sonic wall free computer in his bathrobe I have advoided real life for a couple more hours.

As an excerise to inocculate some normalcy in the issues swimming in my head, I have created a list. An "All I Want", Joni Mitchell is one of the greatest songwrites ever inspired, list.

All I Want is....
My Mom to have a conversation with me and only me on the phone
My sister's broken heart to heal
My dog to learn how to play dead
To hug my little brother
To shop at grocery store where I never have to read the labels
My stomach/head/heart to stop hurting
To be curled up with my man in bed for 3 days straight
Tahoe to have an array of take out/delivery places
To see my ex and it not be werid
Fishy to stop having to deal with stupid people
My employer to stop hiring stupid people
Have energy to live my life
To stop surviving
To spend all day reading
To feel like I have a choice

Twenty Days and Twenty Nights

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

I has been almost twenty days since I blogged. This is not healthy. I have no outlet and I feel out of touch. This past weekend I attended my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary. Yes, that is a frickin' long time. Besides the horrible food, wedding singer music and a blood sugar number of 25 ( my grandfathers not mine), everthing was great. I spent quality time (talking) and not so quality time (drinking) with the siblings. My dad has finally gotten his shit together and realizes that he fucked up. I think he has also realized thathe is luckiest man on earth because his offspring still talk to him and are functional adults. He wants me to get my PhD...in Traditional Chinese Medicine. It is amazing what parental encouragement can do for your self-esteem. Thousand of picture have been taken of this event, they will be posted soon. For now the countdown is on until my next vacation to Michigan. I can do it.....

My Week in Bullets

Thursday, July 07, 2005

I would like to apologize for not keeping up with my Blog. My last installment was more tha a week ago. I would like to think that I am very popular and have thousands of people hanging on my every word. Not true, I know. But if I can't have a sense of graduer about my life who can? So, what has kept me so busy the last week(s)? Here's a rundown:

--My sister leaving the Reno/Tahoe area. It's hard to believe that I miss someone so very different than myself.
--Finalizing my plans to Arkansas. No one goes there by mistake, believe me. My grandparents 50th wedding anniversary.
--Unpacking all of my stuff. Not having to move this week was a sure bonus.
--Cingular is evil. The triangle of hell has been completed. Insurance companies, pharmaceutical companies and celluar phone companies. Armegeddon is near.
--Reinstating my self control. The demise of previously mentioned co-worker has been plotted many times. Many times. So hard not to go through with it. I can't stand her and I don't know why.
--Busting two kids at school for smoking pot in thier bathroom. Schwag does not smell good. I did not get to confiscate for personal use. Damn. The drug test was the best part. Oooo....urine. I do get a $20 bonus for every one I give. This may change my personal feelings about random drug testing. I also had to miss "Bewitched". Yes, I can be that shallow.
--Falling in love. The less I say about this the better. Let's just say it wasn't ever planned and I now know how Charlotte felt.
--Watching my rat of a dog swim in Lake Tahoe. Yes, that would make her a wet rat.
--Working 70 hours a week. So much bank and no time to spend it. An excellent combination. I would like some more sleep though.
--Spending the Fourth in Study Hall. Oh, yes the glamor of Study Hall. I can actually fudge my way through Algebra. Take that Mr. Samuel!!

I thoes are most of the highlights. I'll will be back on a regular basis soon. I might even have a telephone. Peace.

Roomates

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Staff devepolment wasn't as painless as I had expected. I think the good night sleep helped. I have the rest of the afternoon off. Sweet. I will be taking my beloved puppy for a walk and hopefully attending a dinner party later.

Today, I also recieved a postcard from a good friend. That's helped my foul mood.

I'm only slightly pissed that I will be getting two new roomates before I move. Privacy is a rare comoddity here.

Getting Warmer

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Summer is finally here. I'm not convinced that it's permenant because it snowed last week. Really.

Crap associated with my job seems to be gettin worse, not better. And I get to go to staff development for the nex three days. I was in a good mood this morning, but it's heading south quickly.

I also have a horrible breast area sunburn. Even my most comforable bra hurts. And while I'm complaining, my co-worker eats with her mouth open.

Sigh.

Friday, June 17, 2005

A BANDEAU? Someone clue me in here did i miss something? I would never ever wear that in front of someone's grandmother. Mind you these were actually in the "Bridesmaid Section" 

Orange? The only person that I cant think of that would good in this is Hallie Berry. Anyone not a size 2 with a perfect body stay away. Far Away. 

There seems to be a trend growing in the bridesmaid/whore category. Who knew?!? 

Blush and Bashful

WARNING: You will laugh, cry and possibly pee your pants in response to the following. Drinking liquids is not reccomened while reading this blog.

I've gotten tired bitchin' about my shitty adminstration, so it's time for some thing a little more lighthearted.

I am the last one. Fishy decided to get married and have cats. Gina, as of August will no longer be single. I am the Maid of Honor in my Sister's wedding. Now although I don't have as much experience as the Wedding Goddess Fishy (Just remember, hon, you are in charge of the open bar at my broom hopping), I have helped pick colors, establish guests lists, advise against any moss/candle certerpiece, sifted through over 150 wedding dresses and, yes ( shudder), shop for brides maid dresses.

The most recent adventure was sucessful in that we have some prospects. I think there will be another blog on my sister's choice of "chocolate" and "cornflower" ( Read: Brown and Blue), but back to the dresses.

I have yet to find the exact styles that we have narrowed it down to, but here' s a little entertainment in the mean time.

Check out http://www.uglydress.com This woman is brillant. Some people fight poverty, others bad fashion. Check out the rental Kilts and Maxi Slippers.

Above are also some interesting dresses. Midrift anyone?

One Step Forward Two Steps Back (Part 6)

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Oh, most holy adminstrative Gods. I have severly pissed you off in a former life. I plead with you unorganized ones, I have changed my ways, learned my lesson. I will not mock you behind your backs, wish for your untimely death or an uncurable painful STD anymore. I beg you please, please with a topping of my first born ( Because I know that is what you really really really want) don't not make me move again. Be considerate of my unpacked boxes, my grumbling friends and my aching back. I beg you have mercy on me. Amen.

OH YES LADIES AND GERMS THAT IS RIGHT!!!

I WILL BE MOVING AGAIN!!!

Postal? Yes,driving to the Pawn Shop right now. What is the waiting peroid in Nevada? Shit.

I can't believe this.

Oh, you can expect more rants on this one.

And if it hasn't been said today : WHAT THE $&%^#?!?!?!

In Love

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Dear Blogger,

I love you. I love you, everything you are and everything you will be. You are better than TV, 8 Tracks and possibly my Postal Service CD. You make me laugh and cry, mostly at the same time. Blogger you complete me.

Love Always and Forever
Greenapril

One Step Forward Two Steps Back (Part 5)

I never could have imagined that this woudl have gone on for so long. Five blog posts. There could be a sitcom, mini series, or a Lifetime movie of the week (starring Judith Light or Tracy Gold) about this henious pain in the ass adventure. Oh, my friends we are not done yet.

Five minutes ago, I was informed by my buisness manager that I needed to remove all of my belongings from the Surburban. Right. Because he says "Your stuff has been in there for a whole week." Right it has. BUT....

IS THAT MY FRICKIN' FAULT!!! YOU GIVE ME A THREE HOUR NOTICE TO MOVE OUT, THEN YOU DON'T HAVE A PLACE FOR ME TO MOVE TO!?!!? YOU FIND A PLACE FOR ME TO MOVE ALL MY STUFF BUT THE ROOM WON'T BE CLEAN UNTIL FOUR DAYS AFTER YOU ASK ME TO MOVE OUT!!!

HELLO, I HAD NO PLACE TO PUT MY STUFF!!

Exasperated Sigh.

PS- Just for future reference. If you carry 12 cinder blocks in the back of a Suburban for a week, the tires will lose air. Take that you monstorous gas gullzer!!! You aren't so strong and big now are you!?!

One Step Forward Two Steps Back (Part 4)

Saturday, June 11, 2005

I finally moved into my new place. I'm feeling better about it. Now the problem is all the crap I own. Finding a new place for it, throwing stuff out, etc. I don't have the energy. And there is never enough space for my books.

Speaking of energy, I am going to have to feng sui on this room. Horrible florescence lighting, white walls, the carpet that will hide any stain ( I guess that's a good thing), in general ick.

I did purchace a beautiful painting at a thrift shop this week. There is some hope yet.

Maybe this a chance to downsize. Like my bed. King to a twin. It's not pretty.

Ok now fro the bitch section. I was at the house moving some last things out and my business manager called. He wanted to know why there was still food in the fridge. "Um, to keep it cold" Then he asks me if it's my food. So, here's the thing. The stuff in the fridge I could barely classify as food. Hungry Man dinners, Eggos, Cocktail Sauce, Rolls in a Can, you get the picture. I'm actually offended that he thought this was my food. Blechk. "No, Roger it's not my food." Then he asks me if I could help them out and clean out the food. This is steathly followed by "I'd do it myself , but I'm in San Fran" and "We'd (The School), really like to get our $---- (Enter Large sum of money here) security deposit back". So, you want me to help you out of the kindness of my heart, but if I don't and you don't get your money back you'll make me feel like it is all my fault. Yet there is NOTHING in this for me. I'm convinced that thoes "business" conferences managers go to have titles like "Blackmail 101", "How Passive Agression Can Work for YOU!" and "Getting the Dirty Work Done: Five Easy Steps to Painless and Effective Guilt Trips". All you Cubies out there would agree with me.
So, just to avoid any other to do list from people who aren't my boss. I told him it "was taken care of" and got the hell off the phone. %^$*-ER!
There is an interesting lesson in all of this. Standing up for yourself. I've never been good at it. I've been a psycholgical and emotional door mat for every kind of personal and professional relationship. I think I'm getting better. I hope. I've never been this angry. Now, what to do with it?

One Step Forward Two Steps Back (Part 3)

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Greenapril, part three, really? Sigh. Yes. The stupid virus that has infected the administration has struck again. The score is:

1 suburban full of greenapril's belongings
1 complacent business manager
1 room (my room) that will not be cleaned until Friday
1 house with no creature comforts (all the stuff being in the suburban)
1 rainy day

GRAAAAHHHGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!! I know my life has been so much more stressful than this, but I'm seriously thinking about going AWOL. It would involve stealing a car. How much do you think I would get for a first offense? Ten years? That would make me 37. I could still have kids then, right? Let's go.

This is the kind of annoying life shit that never changes. Thousands of years ago people probably had the same problem. Unorganized management. Grrrrr. Yeah, I'm not going to sweat the small stuff, but it's really pissing me off.

Another thing: Where the #%$^ am I supposed to live? At the house with no food, bedding or clothes? In my car? Please, I need some direction or at least some one to talk me down. HELP!!

The Whore I Always Wanted to Be

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Actually, I think the quote went more like: I'm not the whore I always wanted to be. I think you get the picture, though. When it comes down to it I wish I had just a little more agression, spunk, self-esteem and cofidence. I want to tell the hottie teacher I work with all about my not so little crush on him(Thanks for letting the cat out of the bag on that one Fishy!!), but I probably won't (EVER!).

It's pretty transparent that my fear of rejection is huge. I don't like myself enough to begin with, why risk hearing it from someone else? Another thing: THE GUILT!! My friends and I joke about the pervasive, not at all stuble, you will burn in hell guilt associated with everything. Be fun or not fun, it's all included.

Example: Church, try to make it fun by adding some better music (I will die a happy woman never having to hear "On Eagles Wings" again) , a better message (Gasp! Standing up for civil liberties) and a little flair (Jesus loves you just the way you are.) and you will be hunted down, serverly tounge lashed and probably excommunicated.

But I digress, everyone has an issue. I might have more than your average person, but as I'd like to think, I'm not average. Slowly, I will recover from the image that everyone wants me to be and be the whore I've always wanted to be.

One Step Forward Two Steps Back (Part 2)

Monday, June 06, 2005

News Flash!! This just in: They (My boss and other assorted nomes) don't even know where I'm moving to!! I just past pissed and went directly to "What the #$@^?!?!?"

One Step Forward Two Steps Back

I go into work today to check my e-mail, blog and snail mail. The accountant asks me if I got his message. What message I ask? Apparently, I am supposed to move out of my current living situation today. Today. That is a three hour notice. Great. Irked almost to the point of pissed off. Grrrr.....

My weekend was great by the way, thanks (for nothing).

Horsing Around

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

I started my part time job today. I'm working at a stable cleaning stalls, feeding horses, etc. I enjoy being outside, I love horses and I get paid! This job is perfect for me.

Today we, Carolyn and myself, were cleaning the stall of Siren and her baby Odyssey. Wanting attention they both made mucking interesting. It hard to do anything when a 2 ton animal is in your way. Odyssey being a very hungry baby decided to nibble on my t- shirt. I shooed her away a couple of times and got back to work. Carolyn asked me a question while answering her Odyssey (Who knows what she was thinking!) bit my nipple! I breast is a breast I guess, but holy shit did that hurt!! A horse bit my nipple!!! I wasn't injured. However, I was highly entertained with the mock ER scene playing in my head. "Miss, tell us again how you lost your nipple?" I laughed so hard I cried and practically collasped in the stall. I can barely control myself 4 hours later.

I can only imagine what will happen on my second day at work.

Lists of Lists

Friday, May 27, 2005

Haven't been motived to do much lately. That is except make lists of the things I need to do. I was motivated enough to sit down and combine all of my lists. All five of them. 8 1/2 by 11. Full. Then something magical happened. I felt like doing some of the things on my list. I've spent the rest of the day making calls, sending out bills, being put on hold. I've spent 57 minutes on hold today. And I'm still in a good mood.

PS-I made an appointment with Planned Parenthood. Happy days are here again!!

Pick One Any One

Thursday, May 26, 2005

For the majority of my life I have been clinically depressed. Recently, I have overcome a large chunk of my disability. "It" comes back every once and a while, but for the most part I am happy with my life. One of the worst things about my depression is that I am thrown in to a level of emotional apathy that is so murky and listless I am defenseless. I hardly know what I'm feeling, let alone do anything about it. A very large part of me would like a machine to be invented. One that would tell how you are really feeling. Heck, I would settle for an Emode quiz. For those who do know how they feel, try a bit of cinematherapy. I like http://www.cinematherapy.com/ .
I'll be self medicating, Ben and Jerry style.

Open 24 Hours for your Convience

I spend a lot of time thinking about topics to write for my blog. Interesting anedotes, rants and such. This usually isn't a problem coming up with material. Today, I couldn't. I've been a bit stressed out (Work mostly) and I'm not sure where all my energy has gone. I don't even feel like eating. The chewing part, not the cooking part.

The go getter part of me took a vacation with out any notice. Motivation is at an all time low. And I just had a craving for liver. What the %^#$?!?

I'm blaming the birth control. I had a taste of the sweet life with some charity Dianette from my friend in Wales. Her government pays for her pills. I think she felt sorry for me and our cromangon health care policies. No cramps, amenia, bloating, mood swings, mass hemmoraging, etc. Three months ago I ran out. I have been in agony.

Three months you say? Why haven't you gotten more? Because the other 28 days of my cycle I completely forget my body is for making babies. I've got other shit to do, like call my congress person, save puppies and stop hunger.

So, it comes down to convience. I'm pissed because I can't do what I want to. I actually have to listen to my body, my needs. I guess that can't be all that bad.

Maybe a perscription of Ben, Jerry and a Little Sex in the City is all I need.

In the Stars

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Fishy and I have been discussing astrology and general zodiac tendancies of people. She's a Libra (I was wrong you are a cardinal air, not earth.), I'm an Aries (Yeah, for the crazy of the zodaic!). So here is an outline of the zodiac! Enjoy!

Go to:
http://www.astro.com/astrology/in_signs_e.htm

Oh, Brother Where Art Thou...

I am the oldest of four children. I love my siblings more than anything in the world. I am the closest to my youngest brother. I adore him. He is one of my best friends. He has a heart of gold.

For most of high school and college he had a girlfriend. They were inseparable. For a time they were even engaged. When he moved back to Michigan, he decided that it was better that they went their separate ways. To my surprise they stayed really good friends. Even after she got married shortly after their breakup.

About a month ago the ex found a lump. It was removed and unfortunately is/was cancerous. She will be going through chemo and the barrage of other treatments. My brother has decided to drive all the way to Washington to see her. I told you a heart of gold, but it gets even better.

My brother understands perfectly that he can do little to help her situation. He can be there as a friend and care for her. Amazing. He also understands actions speak louder than words. So, last Saturday he shaved his head.

Unconditionally loving someone enough to shave your head, there's something to think about.

Friday, May 20, 2005

I can't wait to go hiking. More pictures to come!!

This is where I live. No Kidding. We still have snow too!!

...with diamonds in my eyes...

So Fresh n' So Clean

New Blog Format!! What do you think? I think Summer is on it's way!!

Check out my Links!!

All the Jiggly Bits

I had a fat day. Read the previous post and you'll agree. That's OK. We all have are moments of weakness, right?

I realized that most of the 25 plus pounds I gained were muscle. I'm in the best shape I have ever been. I'm also 5'10'' without shoes. I am an amazon goddess and will kick ass if necessary.

Last Monday, I participated in my first belly dancing class. I'm in love!!! My instructor has Gwen Stefani Abs (Encouraging not discouraging). The bigger my hips look the better I dance (Sweet!). On top of it all I get to wear the tinkle bell things. Pure Bliss!! If I had been thinking straight I would have fought my fat feelings with the wonderful lesson of belly dancing: Love all your parts, even the jiggly ones!! Heck, dance around for an hour and jiggle them yourself!!

BIG Mistake

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

I went the gym with my sister yesterday. We laughed our way through cardio kickboxing. Mostly at ourselves, the guy preening in the 360 degree mirrors and the "Woo!!! YEAH!!!" lady. Fun was had. Until, I made a very very bad decision. I decided to weigh myself.

Honsety, is the best policy. So, here goes. I was shocked and almost cried. Cried. I weight 183 pounds. 183. That's less than twenty pounds to 200. 200 pounds is fat, in book. For me at least. 183 pounds. Stunned.

I am not a shallow person. I have never been fixated on my weight. I have taken some big steps to become healtier since gaining some weight over the summer. I have slimmed down a bit. jeans fitting better and all. A hour of cardio a day will do that. But 183 is 25 pounds more than a year ago. What gives?

I wasn't going to write about this is my blog. Too embarrising, I guess. But, Fishy and I had a good conversation about personal body image. She is attending a wedding/ high school reunion and understood my issue. My question is: How does one develop a healthy body image? A realstic idea of how tall, wide, big or small we are? Is having a sense of self in this manner erroding our self-love or is it something we can be proud of?

Becoming A Man

Saturday, May 14, 2005

WARNING THE FOLLOWING IS A RANT:

Everyday,I find that our culture and society are an unparalleled source of entertainment. Lately, I have been examining the messages that are casually shoved in our faces. Messages deeper than you need to be white, rich, skinny, healthy, happy all the time, always have an erection, have a nice car, a good education, blah, blah, blah...

I feel as if someone much bigger and more powerful than God is telling me every second of the day that I'm not good enough. I have a car. It looks like shit, but it gets me from point A to point B. However, I'm not good enough until I own a Mercedes ZX3 and a Land Rover. Use Quaker State Synthetic Premium Motor Oil...I think you get the picture.

The thing is good enough is never enough and it's extremely exhausting. Flipping through a well know fashion magazine, I skimmed over a section on "....The seasons hottest new colors for your nails...." The new hot color...PINK! I have nothing against pink. I will admit I like wearing pink and I like painting my nails that specific shade. Additionally, I have collected a rainbow of polishes over the years. However, last time I checked PINK was pretty popular last year and the year before. AND it is not a NEW color.

But then again shell, pearl, pearly shell, haze, sunset haze, cotton candy, pinkee, barely blush, blush, feminine touch(?), nordic pink(?), sunkissed, champange frost, rose, champange rose, jasmine (Um...Jasmine is a white flower), peek-a-boo pink, peppy pink, tickled pink (Haha..Not so much) and pinky winky (A TeleTubby?) are. If the barrage of "...newest hottest colors for the summer..." (cough..still just PINK) weren't enough, the helpful fashion gurus at said magazine carefully outlined when and where I should display my "...newest hottest color of the summer..." So, thoughtful and nice of them. The fashion faux pau of wearing peppy pink to the club when I should have worn haze! Thank you for saving me the embarrasment!!

Now, I understand why women are more likely to suffer from anxiety, depression, chronic fatigue and/or generalized nervous disorders. Our brains are crammed full of self defeating and devaluing "helpful information." If anything, it's fuel for the already blazing fire eating away at our esteem. There has to be a better way.

While scanning this article, I also thought about my brother. I'm sure he would look fab in pink nail polish (That's probably another Blog) and if I had shown him the page his response would have been: "Why are all of those polishes pink? Aren't they any different colors?" We have all had the color challenged dad, boyfriend, brother (Just think black socks, sandals and brown shorts.). I am almost convinced that ROY G BIV is the extent of the male color palette. Indigo might be stretching it. Cleadon, chartreuse, aubergine--no way. It's green, green and purple. You might get an -ish or a light/dark modifier. In general, men keep it simple. I like that. I like it a lot.

So for the record, pink is still pink.

Not So Smooth Sailing

Thursday, May 12, 2005

I just spent the last hour writing a very witty, inspirational blog. Examine the barriers you have absorbed from your surroundings. Barriers that were once someone else's fallacy. Barriers that have become truth in your life. The only thing that is standing in your way is your perception of the situation. Stuff like that. Now it has been lost in the intrails of cyberspace. Grrrrr.

Inspirationally pissed off. A possible source of Right Wing Radio?

Moving On Up

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

I have been on this exercise kick. I have exceeded the recommended three times a week for thirty minutes. On average I've been running about 3.5 miles and an hour of yoga. There are a couple of interesting side effects that I had not expected. 1.) I actually feel like I am living in my body not just the space in-between my ears. 2.) I sleep soooo much better 3.) I have an awareness of my boundaries. Yes or No seem so much easier to express. 4.) I eat every two hours and stop when I'm full. Eating and sleeping are two of my favorite activities, the more I can do them the better! 5.) A serving size of ice cream is (gasp) satisfying!!!!

I have two long term goals: One is to fit in this kick ass red velvet cocktail dress I have. The second is to participate in a triathlon in October. WHOOOHOOO!!!

As an amendment to this new "hobby" I have. I am not one of those skinny bitches. I am proportional. I am very curvy. I haven't always been in the best shape and I haven't always taken the best care of my body. Thank you tequila!! I started out slowly. My advice to you: Do something good for yourself.

Things that make you go.....hmmmm?

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

I try not to criticize others. It's hard. There are lot of challanged people in this world. I'm one of them. So I say: To each his own. Free will is a gift. And so on....

However, today, I feel that I need a 'What the &%#@?' rant. I happened to pick up a copy of "Organic Living" today at the gym. I am crunchy, I am a hippie, I eat as much organic food as possible. I take care of my body and love my Mother (Earth). Ten pages into the "magazine" I realized I had been duped. Suckered. The first half of the magazine was about organic fashion?!?! And organic fashion designers!?!?! Now, I'm sure Stella McCartney is a lovely earth concious person, but I cannot and will not ever ever ever in this lifetime or any of the following pay $995 for a handbag. I did not forget a decimal. $995!! Leather you ask? NO! I could have possibly rationalized paying $995 for a genunie leather handbag (If I had been drugged.), but a thousand dollars for fake leather. Fake Leather!!!

If the fashionable organic handbag (That you no longer have and money to carry in) wasn't enough. You could buy an "organic" chair for $2,100. One Chair!! This is so wrong on so many levels. 1.) What happened to the thrift store? And some paint? Or recycled fabric? 2.) Who has that kind of money to drop on a chair you can't sleep in? 3.) The entirety of all of my possesions do not equal $2,100. Including my car. I will provide an itemized list on request for all who doubt.

I don't get it. You can love your life, love the earth and have some savings. Maybe someone out there can explain it better? Please.

And since you were wondering:
It costs $36,000 for 6 people to fly on a private jet from Austin to Santa Barbara. That's more than I owe in school loans. Think about it.

Suspended Life

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

I had a realization: My life has, for the most part, developed into a normal well rounded fairly sane existence. Wow. I really don't know what to do. At the current moment I have all of my basic needs met. Water, food, shelter. I have a job. My boss isn't crazy. Psychotic lovers and parents are at a lifetime minimum. Hmmm....

Is this the place where my life becomes something better? Something spectacular? Something enchanted? I always wonder what the future will bring. For the first time I'm not scared of that.

Even more so, I am happy right where I am. I have no grass is greener syndrome. Happy pastures and trails!!