Lucky Me

Thursday, March 16, 2006

I have my sister's computer for the evening. I'm supposed to be doing taxes (Blar). Of course, bloggin is much more fun. It hard to stay away. It's been over a month. Blogland I miss you.

I just had an over whelming sense of guilt. I thought about what I wanted to write, but then I thought "That's not nice, you shouldn't say anything."

In defiance of my deep seeded guilt I will say it. There are many other things I haven't done in the past month. Having happy fun naked time, doing the hibbity dibbitty, enjoying naptime, etc. It's actually been more like five months. I broke up with the boyfriend at the end of January. You do the math.

I am at a crossroads here. Do I vent my frustrations of my previous relationship to the deep sea of blog? Who will read this? Will he read this? He can. Should that stop me? Is this helpful behavior or just an attempt to keep holding on? Do I even have a right to say (maybe possibly tarnished) things about my ex eventhough I ended the realtionship?

The problem is I did do the breaking up. It sucked. A LOT. I have not allowed myself the space to really recover. I feel like I should just be able to get over this. Move on the next day, right? It was my choice I should embrace it!!

There was an intensty in our relationship that left an abundance of psychological carnage. For both parties involved. That sucks, too. I know how much that this must of hurt for the other party involved. I have an empathy envelope that is truly inhibiting the recovery process.

Fuck it. My therapist appointment isn't until next week.

The thing is, I left that relationship because I had no identity. I didn't have much going into and I felt more lost than ever in the last months of our realtionship. Could I have stopped it? I didn't even know that it had happened. I'm not sure how or why or when. And the bigger problem is how do I get it back?

Ok that's only partly true. I know how it happened. Part of it was the sex. I can't apologize. The nice girl part of my wants to badly, but I need to leave this behind. I will say nothing more but this: I have a true identiy in my sexuality. I love that part about myself. I like sharing this part of myself with other worthy people. I feel that is the least poisioned and healthiest part of my psyche. I understand that the person you are with has thier issues and own needs. However, when someone does not want to have sex with you yet they are (supposedly) attracted to you feel ugly, unwanted and hideous. I feel hideous, unwanted and unattractive. The one part I felt confident and healthy about I couldn't even express. What little self esteem I had has been dissolved. I had nothing left.

My deepest fear is that I will be called shallow and selfish for this choice. And in my fucked up little world, I guess I would be. I'm trying to change that world thoes rules that I didn't make, but had to obey just to survive. There is no thriving or living in the world I came from. Just pain, survival and getting by.

I can't do that any more I can't. I might not be the nice girl anymore.