Horsing Around

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

I started my part time job today. I'm working at a stable cleaning stalls, feeding horses, etc. I enjoy being outside, I love horses and I get paid! This job is perfect for me.

Today we, Carolyn and myself, were cleaning the stall of Siren and her baby Odyssey. Wanting attention they both made mucking interesting. It hard to do anything when a 2 ton animal is in your way. Odyssey being a very hungry baby decided to nibble on my t- shirt. I shooed her away a couple of times and got back to work. Carolyn asked me a question while answering her Odyssey (Who knows what she was thinking!) bit my nipple! I breast is a breast I guess, but holy shit did that hurt!! A horse bit my nipple!!! I wasn't injured. However, I was highly entertained with the mock ER scene playing in my head. "Miss, tell us again how you lost your nipple?" I laughed so hard I cried and practically collasped in the stall. I can barely control myself 4 hours later.

I can only imagine what will happen on my second day at work.

Lists of Lists

Friday, May 27, 2005

Haven't been motived to do much lately. That is except make lists of the things I need to do. I was motivated enough to sit down and combine all of my lists. All five of them. 8 1/2 by 11. Full. Then something magical happened. I felt like doing some of the things on my list. I've spent the rest of the day making calls, sending out bills, being put on hold. I've spent 57 minutes on hold today. And I'm still in a good mood.

PS-I made an appointment with Planned Parenthood. Happy days are here again!!

Pick One Any One

Thursday, May 26, 2005

For the majority of my life I have been clinically depressed. Recently, I have overcome a large chunk of my disability. "It" comes back every once and a while, but for the most part I am happy with my life. One of the worst things about my depression is that I am thrown in to a level of emotional apathy that is so murky and listless I am defenseless. I hardly know what I'm feeling, let alone do anything about it. A very large part of me would like a machine to be invented. One that would tell how you are really feeling. Heck, I would settle for an Emode quiz. For those who do know how they feel, try a bit of cinematherapy. I like http://www.cinematherapy.com/ .
I'll be self medicating, Ben and Jerry style.

Open 24 Hours for your Convience

I spend a lot of time thinking about topics to write for my blog. Interesting anedotes, rants and such. This usually isn't a problem coming up with material. Today, I couldn't. I've been a bit stressed out (Work mostly) and I'm not sure where all my energy has gone. I don't even feel like eating. The chewing part, not the cooking part.

The go getter part of me took a vacation with out any notice. Motivation is at an all time low. And I just had a craving for liver. What the %^#$?!?

I'm blaming the birth control. I had a taste of the sweet life with some charity Dianette from my friend in Wales. Her government pays for her pills. I think she felt sorry for me and our cromangon health care policies. No cramps, amenia, bloating, mood swings, mass hemmoraging, etc. Three months ago I ran out. I have been in agony.

Three months you say? Why haven't you gotten more? Because the other 28 days of my cycle I completely forget my body is for making babies. I've got other shit to do, like call my congress person, save puppies and stop hunger.

So, it comes down to convience. I'm pissed because I can't do what I want to. I actually have to listen to my body, my needs. I guess that can't be all that bad.

Maybe a perscription of Ben, Jerry and a Little Sex in the City is all I need.

In the Stars

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Fishy and I have been discussing astrology and general zodiac tendancies of people. She's a Libra (I was wrong you are a cardinal air, not earth.), I'm an Aries (Yeah, for the crazy of the zodaic!). So here is an outline of the zodiac! Enjoy!

Go to:
http://www.astro.com/astrology/in_signs_e.htm

Oh, Brother Where Art Thou...

I am the oldest of four children. I love my siblings more than anything in the world. I am the closest to my youngest brother. I adore him. He is one of my best friends. He has a heart of gold.

For most of high school and college he had a girlfriend. They were inseparable. For a time they were even engaged. When he moved back to Michigan, he decided that it was better that they went their separate ways. To my surprise they stayed really good friends. Even after she got married shortly after their breakup.

About a month ago the ex found a lump. It was removed and unfortunately is/was cancerous. She will be going through chemo and the barrage of other treatments. My brother has decided to drive all the way to Washington to see her. I told you a heart of gold, but it gets even better.

My brother understands perfectly that he can do little to help her situation. He can be there as a friend and care for her. Amazing. He also understands actions speak louder than words. So, last Saturday he shaved his head.

Unconditionally loving someone enough to shave your head, there's something to think about.

Friday, May 20, 2005

I can't wait to go hiking. More pictures to come!!

This is where I live. No Kidding. We still have snow too!!

...with diamonds in my eyes...

So Fresh n' So Clean

New Blog Format!! What do you think? I think Summer is on it's way!!

Check out my Links!!

All the Jiggly Bits

I had a fat day. Read the previous post and you'll agree. That's OK. We all have are moments of weakness, right?

I realized that most of the 25 plus pounds I gained were muscle. I'm in the best shape I have ever been. I'm also 5'10'' without shoes. I am an amazon goddess and will kick ass if necessary.

Last Monday, I participated in my first belly dancing class. I'm in love!!! My instructor has Gwen Stefani Abs (Encouraging not discouraging). The bigger my hips look the better I dance (Sweet!). On top of it all I get to wear the tinkle bell things. Pure Bliss!! If I had been thinking straight I would have fought my fat feelings with the wonderful lesson of belly dancing: Love all your parts, even the jiggly ones!! Heck, dance around for an hour and jiggle them yourself!!

BIG Mistake

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

I went the gym with my sister yesterday. We laughed our way through cardio kickboxing. Mostly at ourselves, the guy preening in the 360 degree mirrors and the "Woo!!! YEAH!!!" lady. Fun was had. Until, I made a very very bad decision. I decided to weigh myself.

Honsety, is the best policy. So, here goes. I was shocked and almost cried. Cried. I weight 183 pounds. 183. That's less than twenty pounds to 200. 200 pounds is fat, in book. For me at least. 183 pounds. Stunned.

I am not a shallow person. I have never been fixated on my weight. I have taken some big steps to become healtier since gaining some weight over the summer. I have slimmed down a bit. jeans fitting better and all. A hour of cardio a day will do that. But 183 is 25 pounds more than a year ago. What gives?

I wasn't going to write about this is my blog. Too embarrising, I guess. But, Fishy and I had a good conversation about personal body image. She is attending a wedding/ high school reunion and understood my issue. My question is: How does one develop a healthy body image? A realstic idea of how tall, wide, big or small we are? Is having a sense of self in this manner erroding our self-love or is it something we can be proud of?

Becoming A Man

Saturday, May 14, 2005

WARNING THE FOLLOWING IS A RANT:

Everyday,I find that our culture and society are an unparalleled source of entertainment. Lately, I have been examining the messages that are casually shoved in our faces. Messages deeper than you need to be white, rich, skinny, healthy, happy all the time, always have an erection, have a nice car, a good education, blah, blah, blah...

I feel as if someone much bigger and more powerful than God is telling me every second of the day that I'm not good enough. I have a car. It looks like shit, but it gets me from point A to point B. However, I'm not good enough until I own a Mercedes ZX3 and a Land Rover. Use Quaker State Synthetic Premium Motor Oil...I think you get the picture.

The thing is good enough is never enough and it's extremely exhausting. Flipping through a well know fashion magazine, I skimmed over a section on "....The seasons hottest new colors for your nails...." The new hot color...PINK! I have nothing against pink. I will admit I like wearing pink and I like painting my nails that specific shade. Additionally, I have collected a rainbow of polishes over the years. However, last time I checked PINK was pretty popular last year and the year before. AND it is not a NEW color.

But then again shell, pearl, pearly shell, haze, sunset haze, cotton candy, pinkee, barely blush, blush, feminine touch(?), nordic pink(?), sunkissed, champange frost, rose, champange rose, jasmine (Um...Jasmine is a white flower), peek-a-boo pink, peppy pink, tickled pink (Haha..Not so much) and pinky winky (A TeleTubby?) are. If the barrage of "...newest hottest colors for the summer..." (cough..still just PINK) weren't enough, the helpful fashion gurus at said magazine carefully outlined when and where I should display my "...newest hottest color of the summer..." So, thoughtful and nice of them. The fashion faux pau of wearing peppy pink to the club when I should have worn haze! Thank you for saving me the embarrasment!!

Now, I understand why women are more likely to suffer from anxiety, depression, chronic fatigue and/or generalized nervous disorders. Our brains are crammed full of self defeating and devaluing "helpful information." If anything, it's fuel for the already blazing fire eating away at our esteem. There has to be a better way.

While scanning this article, I also thought about my brother. I'm sure he would look fab in pink nail polish (That's probably another Blog) and if I had shown him the page his response would have been: "Why are all of those polishes pink? Aren't they any different colors?" We have all had the color challenged dad, boyfriend, brother (Just think black socks, sandals and brown shorts.). I am almost convinced that ROY G BIV is the extent of the male color palette. Indigo might be stretching it. Cleadon, chartreuse, aubergine--no way. It's green, green and purple. You might get an -ish or a light/dark modifier. In general, men keep it simple. I like that. I like it a lot.

So for the record, pink is still pink.

Not So Smooth Sailing

Thursday, May 12, 2005

I just spent the last hour writing a very witty, inspirational blog. Examine the barriers you have absorbed from your surroundings. Barriers that were once someone else's fallacy. Barriers that have become truth in your life. The only thing that is standing in your way is your perception of the situation. Stuff like that. Now it has been lost in the intrails of cyberspace. Grrrrr.

Inspirationally pissed off. A possible source of Right Wing Radio?

Moving On Up

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

I have been on this exercise kick. I have exceeded the recommended three times a week for thirty minutes. On average I've been running about 3.5 miles and an hour of yoga. There are a couple of interesting side effects that I had not expected. 1.) I actually feel like I am living in my body not just the space in-between my ears. 2.) I sleep soooo much better 3.) I have an awareness of my boundaries. Yes or No seem so much easier to express. 4.) I eat every two hours and stop when I'm full. Eating and sleeping are two of my favorite activities, the more I can do them the better! 5.) A serving size of ice cream is (gasp) satisfying!!!!

I have two long term goals: One is to fit in this kick ass red velvet cocktail dress I have. The second is to participate in a triathlon in October. WHOOOHOOO!!!

As an amendment to this new "hobby" I have. I am not one of those skinny bitches. I am proportional. I am very curvy. I haven't always been in the best shape and I haven't always taken the best care of my body. Thank you tequila!! I started out slowly. My advice to you: Do something good for yourself.

Things that make you go.....hmmmm?

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

I try not to criticize others. It's hard. There are lot of challanged people in this world. I'm one of them. So I say: To each his own. Free will is a gift. And so on....

However, today, I feel that I need a 'What the &%#@?' rant. I happened to pick up a copy of "Organic Living" today at the gym. I am crunchy, I am a hippie, I eat as much organic food as possible. I take care of my body and love my Mother (Earth). Ten pages into the "magazine" I realized I had been duped. Suckered. The first half of the magazine was about organic fashion?!?! And organic fashion designers!?!?! Now, I'm sure Stella McCartney is a lovely earth concious person, but I cannot and will not ever ever ever in this lifetime or any of the following pay $995 for a handbag. I did not forget a decimal. $995!! Leather you ask? NO! I could have possibly rationalized paying $995 for a genunie leather handbag (If I had been drugged.), but a thousand dollars for fake leather. Fake Leather!!!

If the fashionable organic handbag (That you no longer have and money to carry in) wasn't enough. You could buy an "organic" chair for $2,100. One Chair!! This is so wrong on so many levels. 1.) What happened to the thrift store? And some paint? Or recycled fabric? 2.) Who has that kind of money to drop on a chair you can't sleep in? 3.) The entirety of all of my possesions do not equal $2,100. Including my car. I will provide an itemized list on request for all who doubt.

I don't get it. You can love your life, love the earth and have some savings. Maybe someone out there can explain it better? Please.

And since you were wondering:
It costs $36,000 for 6 people to fly on a private jet from Austin to Santa Barbara. That's more than I owe in school loans. Think about it.

Suspended Life

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

I had a realization: My life has, for the most part, developed into a normal well rounded fairly sane existence. Wow. I really don't know what to do. At the current moment I have all of my basic needs met. Water, food, shelter. I have a job. My boss isn't crazy. Psychotic lovers and parents are at a lifetime minimum. Hmmm....

Is this the place where my life becomes something better? Something spectacular? Something enchanted? I always wonder what the future will bring. For the first time I'm not scared of that.

Even more so, I am happy right where I am. I have no grass is greener syndrome. Happy pastures and trails!!