Quoting the Dead

Thursday, June 29, 2006

i have a confession: I have been advoiding my blog. Actively advoiding. My coping mechanism is to intenalize my thought and feelings. I guess I've defaulted. I know the importantce to "venting" to blogland. I just suck at taking care of myself.

In the news, my parents turned fifty. They were insanely young when they had me (a mistake/blessing) at 22. My mom still says condom as a swear word. Divorce is also said as a swear word. Come to think of it, I don't think she's ever said "gay" either.

I threw them a birthday party. A suprise birthday party. I think my stomach deserves an award for the shit I put it through the last couple of months and espically the last week.

First, I lied waaaaayyyy toooo much to the 'rents to pull this thing off. Second, it was wayyyyyyy toooo easy to lie to them. I did make easy on myself, I kept it mostly real with a bit if tweaking here and there.

When you are a kid you think that you can get away with lying, but you suck at it because you are six. When you're an adult however, it's not hard to do, but the guilt, oh, the guilt. I felt really bad for my parents.

I'm sitting in the parking lot at Hobby Lobby, two blocks from my parents house. I'm talking to my dad. I'm supposedly in LA waiting for my plane. I felt like a superhero with three different identities. I don't think I could ever work for the CIA or even be an actress. I have a hard time figuring out who I am on a daily baisis. Playing a part would be no good.

The party went over very well. Both of my parent were suprised. It was exactly how I imagined it.

I'm so glad it's all over, but at the same time....I keep wondering:

What the hell do I do now?

I don't really have anything to stress about. Money is good. Bills are mostly paid. I have a place to sleep and food to eat.

What a long strange trip it's been....

Spring Cleaning

Sunday, June 18, 2006

A couple of updates. Enjoy.

"32 Flavors"

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Squint your eyes and look closer
I'm not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
and I'm beyond your peripheral vision
so you might want to turn your head
cause someday you're going to get hungry
and eat most of the words you just said

both my parents taught me about good will
and I have done well by their names
just the kindness I've lavished on strangers
is more than I can explain
still there's many who've turned out their porch lights
just so I would think they were not home
and hid in the dark of their windows
til I'd passed and left them alone

And god help you if you are an ugly girl
course too pretty is also your doom
cause everyone harbors a secret hatred
for the prettiest girl in the room
and god help you if you are a pheonix
and you dare to rise up from the ash
a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
while you are just flying back

I'm not trying to give my life meaning
by demeaning you
and I would like to state for the record
I did everything that I could do
I'm not saying that I'm a saint
I just don't want to live that way
no, I will never be a saint
but I will always say

Squint your eyes and look closer
I'm not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
and I'm beyond your peripheral vision
so you might want to turn your head
cause someday you might find you're starving
and eating all of the words you said

Better Prospective

Friday, March 24, 2006

I found place. I feel a gillion times better. Everything else will fall into place. I'm pretty sure about that.

Just Remembered

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

It's "Eye Candy" Wedsenday. Ok, that isn't offical, but I need distraction in my stressful state. Internet=Distraction.

My sister and I watched "Pride and Prejudice" the movie. Not the 6 tape A&E version. I have to say I missed him. I missed Colin Firth. So here he is.



I was hoping to find him in a kilt (Check SFH Blog), but then I realized that he's English not Scotish. So here are a couple more:




and click here to see the best ones.

Hmmmm....

I just clicked on the next blog button just for fun. I got a whole lot of fun and porn on juliasloveguide.blospot.com. I'm really not sure what to think: My lucky day or Blogspot Smut?

For the record I'm undecided on the whole porn issue. Good, bad, other? Who knows?

A Little Bit...

...stressed that is. Or, should I say: STRESSED!!!!!

My lovely roomate has infomed me that she wants to live alone. She told me this a week ago. Our lease ends April 1st.

I have a full time job and no money. This could be explained if I had a drug, alcohol, gambling, shoe addicition. I don't. So I now have another job. With the man. Starbucks. Ok, they are still the man, but they have really good benis and they work with my other commitments. I get to arrive at work at 4am and drink all the coffee I want.

I am not a nice person sleep deprived and strung out on caffiene.

My previous employer (cough) forgot to take out for my federal taxes. My 1040EZ is all kinds of messed up from this.

My sister's car broke down. I get to play chauffer in my non existent spare time.

I wish I was in a better mood.

Really I promise I'm a nice person.

Lucky Me

Thursday, March 16, 2006

I have my sister's computer for the evening. I'm supposed to be doing taxes (Blar). Of course, bloggin is much more fun. It hard to stay away. It's been over a month. Blogland I miss you.

I just had an over whelming sense of guilt. I thought about what I wanted to write, but then I thought "That's not nice, you shouldn't say anything."

In defiance of my deep seeded guilt I will say it. There are many other things I haven't done in the past month. Having happy fun naked time, doing the hibbity dibbitty, enjoying naptime, etc. It's actually been more like five months. I broke up with the boyfriend at the end of January. You do the math.

I am at a crossroads here. Do I vent my frustrations of my previous relationship to the deep sea of blog? Who will read this? Will he read this? He can. Should that stop me? Is this helpful behavior or just an attempt to keep holding on? Do I even have a right to say (maybe possibly tarnished) things about my ex eventhough I ended the realtionship?

The problem is I did do the breaking up. It sucked. A LOT. I have not allowed myself the space to really recover. I feel like I should just be able to get over this. Move on the next day, right? It was my choice I should embrace it!!

There was an intensty in our relationship that left an abundance of psychological carnage. For both parties involved. That sucks, too. I know how much that this must of hurt for the other party involved. I have an empathy envelope that is truly inhibiting the recovery process.

Fuck it. My therapist appointment isn't until next week.

The thing is, I left that relationship because I had no identity. I didn't have much going into and I felt more lost than ever in the last months of our realtionship. Could I have stopped it? I didn't even know that it had happened. I'm not sure how or why or when. And the bigger problem is how do I get it back?

Ok that's only partly true. I know how it happened. Part of it was the sex. I can't apologize. The nice girl part of my wants to badly, but I need to leave this behind. I will say nothing more but this: I have a true identiy in my sexuality. I love that part about myself. I like sharing this part of myself with other worthy people. I feel that is the least poisioned and healthiest part of my psyche. I understand that the person you are with has thier issues and own needs. However, when someone does not want to have sex with you yet they are (supposedly) attracted to you feel ugly, unwanted and hideous. I feel hideous, unwanted and unattractive. The one part I felt confident and healthy about I couldn't even express. What little self esteem I had has been dissolved. I had nothing left.

My deepest fear is that I will be called shallow and selfish for this choice. And in my fucked up little world, I guess I would be. I'm trying to change that world thoes rules that I didn't make, but had to obey just to survive. There is no thriving or living in the world I came from. Just pain, survival and getting by.

I can't do that any more I can't. I might not be the nice girl anymore.

Ohio

Thursday, February 09, 2006

I never thought I would be writing a post about Ohio. Why? Well, Ohio is lacking in many many ways. I can count on my hand the number of cool things there are to do in Ohio.

#1 Cedar Point
#2 The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame/Museam
#3 Lake Erie (Minus the Zebra Mussels. Oh, I wouldn't eat anything you catch.)
#4 My Aunt lives there?
#5 Well, I couldn't even come up with five.

It's pretty darn boring and unexciting. People living in Detroit make fun of Ohio. Most of Midwesterns do too. It's sad.

But who do people from Ohio make fun of?* I was blown away when my co-worker born and raised in Ohio (By the way, Detroit was a vacation destination for them growing up.) Laid into, very very passionately: The Amish. Yes, the Amish. She went off on the Amish! I couldn't believe it! The Amish.

Now, I will say she had a point that no culture or sub-culture is a perfect Utopia. We have a view that the Amish have chosen a "better/purer" life. Which may not be the case, but picking on the Amish, just dosen't seem fair. They have a culture that has sustained itself without the all technological hoopla (or most of it).

I'm still a little confused about all this. Ohio and the Amish, I never would have thought.

*This is, of course not based on fact, just recent suprising experience.

Living Single

Thursday, February 02, 2006

I am offically single again. It's public. I broke up with the boyfriend.

I would like to give you the play by play, but the truth is break-ups suck and this one wasn't really any different.

Why? Honeslty, I outgrew the realationship or the realtionship wasn't growing as fast as I needed. "It's not you it's me" guised as another phrase.

I'm much sadder about the whole thing than I thought I would be. Eventhough, I was the breaker.

I'm not glad to break-up with someone, but the timing was right espically since rest of the week has been a blur.

The Mighty Escort died. Stranded on the side of the road. It wasn't worth fixing it. So, I found myself wearing the first time car buyer hat. I would like to flat out (Well, at least in cyber space) tell my father he was wrong, the car I got was a good deal and I even talked the dealer down from the asking price. I went with my intuition and feel good about my decision. Being informed is good, but there is a balance between the brain and the gut.

I am now the proud owner of a 2001 (new to me) Subaru Impreza Outback. I guess I'm in love again!! At least I know the break-up probably won't happen until after I pay it off (ouch).

PS-There needs to be a better phrase than break-up. It sounds like you had a realtionship with a china tea cup, not a person. Dissolved? Clean up? Downsized? Any suggestions?

One Love

Thursday, January 26, 2006

My parents are in town. That means a lot to the peeps out there who have acutally met my parents. Or better yet: Been yelled at by my father or stuffed full of cookies by my mother. The long and short of it.

A couple weeks ago I battled with a week long depression. My remission has been excellent lately, but the holidays brought on some blues. Honestly, I would take a shitty week over the mind numbing years that I've previously experienced.

Depression? Parents? Where is this all going? Today has scientifically proven that my parents make me depressed. I can't escape the bleakness. It's amazing that I've never made this connection before.

Synopsis:
Mom-- She was raised to be the perfect wife and mother. Doting and sacrificing everything for her husband and children. She has no identity. She can't decide what pants to wear.

Dad-- Recovering Acolholic. Starting over career. Template type A personality. Busy but only really distracted. Really, really, really, lucky that his children still talk to him.

Three minutes into the movie it you know nothing good is going to happen. (Thinking of Mystic River, Godfather, Monster?) I grew up in this plot. Sad, sad life where people are strong armed by expectations and obligations. Happiness is a luxury.

Harshly critical? Maybe. But I see it objectivly. It is what it is. I can only change and improve myself. I am truly sad that I see my mother and father as older people in my life, not my parents. Strange and true.

I'm just glad I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow.

Sunday Bloody Sunday...

Sunday, December 11, 2005

I am in pain. My back/hip area is fucked up. It's the kind of pain that makes you nausea. Looking forward to standing for eight hours straight at work tonight. In a bit of a funk also. Not sure why. It could be the ass numbing pain, but I feel like it's more. The word restless is coming to mind. Hmmm...

BORGASM

Thursday, December 01, 2005

It rained today. It is very exciting. Here rain will become snow and snow in Tahoe equals money. Everyone needs money. Whooohoo Rain!!!

It hasn't rained here in about 4 months. I live in the desert 6500 ft above sea level. Rain makes things green and grow. Everyone likes pretty green trees. Yay Rain!!!

My car broke down. Today. Why today? Because it is fucking raining and colder than Billy Graham at a GLBT mixer. Everyone hates car trouble.

There are certian words that you do NOT want to hear when you are having car trouble. Words like: Brakes, wiper fluid, air pressure, trunk are neutral and register minimal dollar signs in your brain. However words like: transmission, heater coil, radiator and alternator are not good.

I got the "a" word. Yep, my alternator is fucked.

The most ironic part is that this part new plus labor is about as much as I paid for my POS 1988 (and a half) Ford Escort hatchback.

Currently, I am stranded at work with my boyfriend. I'm barely hanging on to my sanity waiting for the inevatable Borgasm.

We Intterupt Your Daily Blog

Friday, November 04, 2005

I am not dead, I have not fallen off the earth. I didn't run away to Bali, Greece, of India. I am alive and mostly well. I promise.

My fater called me this morning. He's called me twice in the past week. I realized that this was bad. He never calls. Ever. I'm glad he's concernced.

Fishy and Gina's phone message have gone from "Hey, what's up..?" to "Where are you... and then something about a police report"

My ex (twice), brother (twice), roomate from college (four times). The list is distressing.

Thank you so much for the love. I'm sorry I haven't been able to talk. Bad cell phone reception, evening work schedule and a resurgance of my depression have contributed to a "Don't want to do anything" mind set.

I'll hopefully be getting a computer in a week or so. And I now have a desk to put it on. I guess I've gotten used to moving that a I'm at a lost in my new (improved) stationary life.

Reclaiming My Childhood

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Lately, I have been doing some serious work. Emotional work that is. I have found myself dealing with issues that I shoved away so long ago I actually neverthought I would see them again. Haha. I can't candy coat it. The places I've gone to are not pretty and I'll spare you the details. I know every semi-functional human being goes through this and I know that I will come out stronger. Welcome to Sucksville, USA. Where my traumatic childhood lives.

On a better note. I have found some enjoyment in trying to be a kid again. I bought a piano and have played it more this week than I ever did taking lessons. And my wonderful boyfriend sent me a link to Lite Brite
I was denied my creative possibilites by my mother who did not want to pick up all the little pieces of the Lite Brite. I'd like to add I never got my pony/horse either.

So FH....

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Thought a little eye candy would be nice for Hump Day. Mmmmm....

Ladies click here

And here's something for everybody....

Lazy Day...

Friday, September 09, 2005

Greenapril, your breed of dog at work is a Border Collie

You don't give up and that's your key to success. Though people might not always expect it from you since you're so sociable in the office, you've got success on the brain and won't stop short 'til you get there.

Bored? Try http://www.tickle.com A quiz for everyone and every mood.

Here what I'm wondering: If I'm a Border Collie at work, why can I not keep a job?

Snow

Thursday, September 08, 2005

My boyfriend bought me this incredible gift. It's a ball that you make ice cream in. One end you put the ice and salt. The other end you put the will be ice cream goodness. You throw it around for about 20 minutes and 'viola' you have ice cream. Fun and Yummy!!

Last week we were making ice cream and I metioned that, as a child, we had an electric ice cream maker. We would make ice cream during the winter because the snow was free. Aidan replies: 'In college, I used to put snow in my bong.'

Not much you can say to that can you? So, there you have it ladies an gentlemen, The Snow Bong.

Keeping Trac

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Looking for a job (again) and scanning the local ski resort emploment listings. Came across one that is so entertaining that I might just apply. Enjoy!!

TRACTOR DRIVER (part time)
Drives funky old International Farmall Tractors with attached passenger trailers in the parking lot, picking up customers and safely transporting them to the Main Lodge or their vehicle.

Must be friendly, courteous and safety-minded. Must have Driver's license and clean driving record. Must be able to negotiate tight parking areas without hitting people or other vehicles.

Let's Play a Game....

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

It's called "Where is Greenapril Living Now?" This is an old game for those that have know me for more than a year, but I thought I would let some of my newer peeps try. (A discussion on whether I have any friends will follow the game.) The three hints are:

1.) I cannot receive mail
2.) My dog loves it here
3.) It's hella-cold
4.) If you read my blog you would know

Can't think? Have no clue? A campground. I'm living at Goose Meadows Campground. It is an adventure. Or at least that is what I'm telling my mother. I actually don't mind. I love being outside and this is excellent excuse not to take a shower for a few days.

Why am I living in a tent? Couple of reasons. One, SVA sucks. See "To Whom It May Concern" Two, I was living with my boyfriend (of three months) and quickly realized that is was a bad (BAD!) idea. Three, I don't really have a job and only a little bit of savings. A tent is cheaper than a hotel room and my relationship, so here I am.

My mom would flip.