I just clicked on the next blog button just for fun. I got a whole lot of fun and porn on juliasloveguide.blospot.com. I'm really not sure what to think: My lucky day or Blogspot Smut?
For the record I'm undecided on the whole porn issue. Good, bad, other? Who knows?
...stressed that is. Or, should I say: STRESSED!!!!!
My lovely roomate has infomed me that she wants to live alone. She told me this a week ago. Our lease ends April 1st.
I have a full time job and no money. This could be explained if I had a drug, alcohol, gambling, shoe addicition. I don't. So I now have another job. With the man. Starbucks. Ok, they are still the man, but they have really good benis and they work with my other commitments. I get to arrive at work at 4am and drink all the coffee I want.
I am not a nice person sleep deprived and strung out on caffiene.
My previous employer (cough) forgot to take out for my federal taxes. My 1040EZ is all kinds of messed up from this.
My sister's car broke down. I get to play chauffer in my non existent spare time.
I wish I was in a better mood.
Really I promise I'm a nice person.
I have my sister's computer for the evening. I'm supposed to be doing taxes (Blar). Of course, bloggin is much more fun. It hard to stay away. It's been over a month. Blogland I miss you.
I just had an over whelming sense of guilt. I thought about what I wanted to write, but then I thought "That's not nice, you shouldn't say anything."
In defiance of my deep seeded guilt I will say it. There are many other things I haven't done in the past month. Having happy fun naked time, doing the hibbity dibbitty, enjoying naptime, etc. It's actually been more like five months. I broke up with the boyfriend at the end of January. You do the math.
I am at a crossroads here. Do I vent my frustrations of my previous relationship to the deep sea of blog? Who will read this? Will he read this? He can. Should that stop me? Is this helpful behavior or just an attempt to keep holding on? Do I even have a right to say (maybe possibly tarnished) things about my ex eventhough I ended the realtionship?
The problem is I did do the breaking up. It sucked. A LOT. I have not allowed myself the space to really recover. I feel like I should just be able to get over this. Move on the next day, right? It was my choice I should embrace it!!
There was an intensty in our relationship that left an abundance of psychological carnage. For both parties involved. That sucks, too. I know how much that this must of hurt for the other party involved. I have an empathy envelope that is truly inhibiting the recovery process.
Fuck it. My therapist appointment isn't until next week.
The thing is, I left that relationship because I had no identity. I didn't have much going into and I felt more lost than ever in the last months of our realtionship. Could I have stopped it? I didn't even know that it had happened. I'm not sure how or why or when. And the bigger problem is how do I get it back?
Ok that's only partly true. I know how it happened. Part of it was the sex. I can't apologize. The nice girl part of my wants to badly, but I need to leave this behind. I will say nothing more but this: I have a true identiy in my sexuality. I love that part about myself. I like sharing this part of myself with other worthy people. I feel that is the least poisioned and healthiest part of my psyche. I understand that the person you are with has thier issues and own needs. However, when someone does not want to have sex with you yet they are (supposedly) attracted to you feel ugly, unwanted and hideous. I feel hideous, unwanted and unattractive. The one part I felt confident and healthy about I couldn't even express. What little self esteem I had has been dissolved. I had nothing left.
My deepest fear is that I will be called shallow and selfish for this choice. And in my fucked up little world, I guess I would be. I'm trying to change that world thoes rules that I didn't make, but had to obey just to survive. There is no thriving or living in the world I came from. Just pain, survival and getting by.
I can't do that any more I can't. I might not be the nice girl anymore.
I never thought I would be writing a post about Ohio. Why? Well, Ohio is lacking in many many ways. I can count on my hand the number of cool things there are to do in Ohio.
#1 Cedar Point
#2 The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame/Museam
#3 Lake Erie (Minus the Zebra Mussels. Oh, I wouldn't eat anything you catch.)
#4 My Aunt lives there?
#5 Well, I couldn't even come up with five.
It's pretty darn boring and unexciting. People living in Detroit make fun of Ohio. Most of Midwesterns do too. It's sad.
But who do people from Ohio make fun of?* I was blown away when my co-worker born and raised in Ohio (By the way, Detroit was a vacation destination for them growing up.) Laid into, very very passionately: The Amish. Yes, the Amish. She went off on the Amish! I couldn't believe it! The Amish.
Now, I will say she had a point that no culture or sub-culture is a perfect Utopia. We have a view that the Amish have chosen a "better/purer" life. Which may not be the case, but picking on the Amish, just dosen't seem fair. They have a culture that has sustained itself without the all technological hoopla (or most of it).
I'm still a little confused about all this. Ohio and the Amish, I never would have thought.
*This is, of course not based on fact, just recent suprising experience.
I am offically single again. It's public. I broke up with the boyfriend.
I would like to give you the play by play, but the truth is break-ups suck and this one wasn't really any different.
Why? Honeslty, I outgrew the realationship or the realtionship wasn't growing as fast as I needed. "It's not you it's me" guised as another phrase.
I'm much sadder about the whole thing than I thought I would be. Eventhough, I was the breaker.
I'm not glad to break-up with someone, but the timing was right espically since rest of the week has been a blur.
The Mighty Escort died. Stranded on the side of the road. It wasn't worth fixing it. So, I found myself wearing the first time car buyer hat. I would like to flat out (Well, at least in cyber space) tell my father he was wrong, the car I got was a good deal and I even talked the dealer down from the asking price. I went with my intuition and feel good about my decision. Being informed is good, but there is a balance between the brain and the gut.
I am now the proud owner of a 2001 (new to me) Subaru Impreza Outback. I guess I'm in love again!! At least I know the break-up probably won't happen until after I pay it off (ouch).
PS-There needs to be a better phrase than break-up. It sounds like you had a realtionship with a china tea cup, not a person. Dissolved? Clean up? Downsized? Any suggestions?
My parents are in town. That means a lot to the peeps out there who have acutally met my parents. Or better yet: Been yelled at by my father or stuffed full of cookies by my mother. The long and short of it.
A couple weeks ago I battled with a week long depression. My remission has been excellent lately, but the holidays brought on some blues. Honestly, I would take a shitty week over the mind numbing years that I've previously experienced.
Depression? Parents? Where is this all going? Today has scientifically proven that my parents make me depressed. I can't escape the bleakness. It's amazing that I've never made this connection before.
Synopsis:
Mom-- She was raised to be the perfect wife and mother. Doting and sacrificing everything for her husband and children. She has no identity. She can't decide what pants to wear.
Dad-- Recovering Acolholic. Starting over career. Template type A personality. Busy but only really distracted. Really, really, really, lucky that his children still talk to him.
Three minutes into the movie it you know nothing good is going to happen. (Thinking of Mystic River, Godfather, Monster?) I grew up in this plot. Sad, sad life where people are strong armed by expectations and obligations. Happiness is a luxury.
Harshly critical? Maybe. But I see it objectivly. It is what it is. I can only change and improve myself. I am truly sad that I see my mother and father as older people in my life, not my parents. Strange and true.
I'm just glad I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow.
I am in pain. My back/hip area is fucked up. It's the kind of pain that makes you nausea. Looking forward to standing for eight hours straight at work tonight. In a bit of a funk also. Not sure why. It could be the ass numbing pain, but I feel like it's more. The word restless is coming to mind. Hmmm...
It rained today. It is very exciting. Here rain will become snow and snow in Tahoe equals money. Everyone needs money. Whooohoo Rain!!!
It hasn't rained here in about 4 months. I live in the desert 6500 ft above sea level. Rain makes things green and grow. Everyone likes pretty green trees. Yay Rain!!!
My car broke down. Today. Why today? Because it is fucking raining and colder than Billy Graham at a GLBT mixer. Everyone hates car trouble.
There are certian words that you do NOT want to hear when you are having car trouble. Words like: Brakes, wiper fluid, air pressure, trunk are neutral and register minimal dollar signs in your brain. However words like: transmission, heater coil, radiator and alternator are not good.
I got the "a" word. Yep, my alternator is fucked.
The most ironic part is that this part new plus labor is about as much as I paid for my POS 1988 (and a half) Ford Escort hatchback.
Currently, I am stranded at work with my boyfriend. I'm barely hanging on to my sanity waiting for the inevatable Borgasm.
I am not dead, I have not fallen off the earth. I didn't run away to Bali, Greece, of India. I am alive and mostly well. I promise.
My fater called me this morning. He's called me twice in the past week. I realized that this was bad. He never calls. Ever. I'm glad he's concernced.
Fishy and Gina's phone message have gone from "Hey, what's up..?" to "Where are you... and then something about a police report"
My ex (twice), brother (twice), roomate from college (four times). The list is distressing.
Thank you so much for the love. I'm sorry I haven't been able to talk. Bad cell phone reception, evening work schedule and a resurgance of my depression have contributed to a "Don't want to do anything" mind set.
I'll hopefully be getting a computer in a week or so. And I now have a desk to put it on. I guess I've gotten used to moving that a I'm at a lost in my new (improved) stationary life.
Lately, I have been doing some serious work. Emotional work that is. I have found myself dealing with issues that I shoved away so long ago I actually neverthought I would see them again. Haha. I can't candy coat it. The places I've gone to are not pretty and I'll spare you the details. I know every semi-functional human being goes through this and I know that I will come out stronger. Welcome to Sucksville, USA. Where my traumatic childhood lives.
On a better note. I have found some enjoyment in trying to be a kid again. I bought a piano and have played it more this week than I ever did taking lessons. And my wonderful boyfriend sent me a link to Lite Brite
I was denied my creative possibilites by my mother who did not want to pick up all the little pieces of the Lite Brite. I'd like to add I never got my pony/horse either.
Thought a little eye candy would be nice for Hump Day. Mmmmm....
Ladies click here
And here's something for everybody....
Greenapril, your breed of dog at work is a Border Collie
You don't give up and that's your key to success. Though people might not always expect it from you since you're so sociable in the office, you've got success on the brain and won't stop short 'til you get there.
Bored? Try http://www.tickle.com A quiz for everyone and every mood.
Here what I'm wondering: If I'm a Border Collie at work, why can I not keep a job?
My boyfriend bought me this incredible gift. It's a ball that you make ice cream in. One end you put the ice and salt. The other end you put the will be ice cream goodness. You throw it around for about 20 minutes and 'viola' you have ice cream. Fun and Yummy!!
Last week we were making ice cream and I metioned that, as a child, we had an electric ice cream maker. We would make ice cream during the winter because the snow was free. Aidan replies: 'In college, I used to put snow in my bong.'
Not much you can say to that can you? So, there you have it ladies an gentlemen, The Snow Bong.
TRACTOR DRIVER (part time)
Drives funky old International Farmall Tractors with attached passenger trailers in the parking lot, picking up customers and safely transporting them to the Main Lodge or their vehicle.
Must be friendly, courteous and safety-minded. Must have Driver's license and clean driving record. Must be able to negotiate tight parking areas without hitting people or other vehicles.
It's called "Where is Greenapril Living Now?" This is an old game for those that have know me for more than a year, but I thought I would let some of my newer peeps try. (A discussion on whether I have any friends will follow the game.) The three hints are:
1.) I cannot receive mail
2.) My dog loves it here
3.) It's hella-cold
4.) If you read my blog you would know
Can't think? Have no clue? A campground. I'm living at Goose Meadows Campground. It is an adventure. Or at least that is what I'm telling my mother. I actually don't mind. I love being outside and this is excellent excuse not to take a shower for a few days.
Why am I living in a tent? Couple of reasons. One, SVA sucks. See "To Whom It May Concern" Two, I was living with my boyfriend (of three months) and quickly realized that is was a bad (BAD!) idea. Three, I don't really have a job and only a little bit of savings. A tent is cheaper than a hotel room and my relationship, so here I am.
My mom would flip.
Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.
I found this on http://www.nataliedee.com Check it out!!
Dear Mr. President,
You are honestly the worst president we have ever had. I feel my IQ (along with my state and federal mandated test scores) drop when ever I hear you speak. Even when you bought your way (again) into office, we (The thinking citizen who didn't vote for you.) never thought you could fuck up this much. Get your shit together and be a decent human being for once. About what? Take your pick: Katrina, Iraq, Afghanistan, Gas Prices. Pick one. Make it better asshole, that's your job.
Dear Mr. Construction Worker,
You made my week. I will always prize watching you do the "Robot" while directing traffic on Brockway. You are awesome and deserve a raise. ROCK ON BROTHER!!!
Dear Tourists Sitting In Front of Me In Construction Traffic,
THE MAN IS DOING THE ROBOT!! CHILL OUT!!! YOU WILL GET YOU YOUR WINE TASTING PARTY ON BUFFY'S YACHT SOON ENOUGH!!! YOU HAVE BEEN TO HUNDREDS OF THOSE MIND NUMBING PARTIES TO BE IN A COMA!!! HE'S DOING THE ROBOT!! SOBER!!! IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET!!!
Dear SVA,
Thank you for not renewing my contract for the fall semester. You obviously have no loyalty to your employees and feel better fucking with someone else. I also appreciate you lying to my when I asked why you didn't renew my contract. It was wrong of my to think that the school would still exist if I let obnoxious and disruptive ADHD teenagers listen to music on their headphones during study hall to do (gasp) their homework!!! I hope you found some poor sucker to put up with your shit 30-40hrs a week (more like 50 to 60) for less money. Good luck with running a school like a McDonald's.
PS-Come to think of it I would rather work for you MD. You are at least organized and provide good benefits and care at least a little. Maybe a seedy hourly motel/casino would have been a better comparison.
PPS-I really like the headmaster's brand new $40,000 Volvo. It seems like yesterday when my director told me we had no money for toilet paper.
PPPS- Yes, I am still mad about all the times you made me move. I lived out of my car for a fucking week and I'm homeless again. I hope the karma bus drives over you and then backs up!!
All responses can be sent to:
Greenapril
c/o Alpine Valley Campground
Martis Creek Lake
Truckee, CA 96161
Most my days I spend with these beautiful amazing creatures I am cleaning up after them. However, this week, I had the oppounity to ride (YES!!). Twice (WHOOOOHOOOOO!!!!). I was in heaven. The first day, I spent four hours on Moon, it felt like twenty minutes. Not sore at all, I went back on Wednesday for a three hour trail ride.
The owner and I have plans to ride again next week after the holiday. I'm estatic. I'm in "heart".
It didn't get any better. The crankiness. It arrived on Friday and like an unwanted house guest stayed way too long. It was my evil twin. I can't come up with a better explanation. Hormones: No. Stress: No. Boyfriend: No. I found myself saying and doing things that are very very unlike me. The overwhelming frustration fed more frustration, anger and general ulginess.
Every stressful situation has a breaking point. Mine was not pretty. Aidan decided to take his best friend and I mountain biking. I'll be nice and say his judgment was off. I am not an experienced rider (neither is his best friend) and for some reason he felt we could handle a 14 mile trek on the side of a mountain. Two miles to the end I wiped out. Big time.
The pain was incredible. Stabbing ice pick pain in my knees, Followed with a nice dose of salt. It felt like someone had actually skinned my right arm and my shoulder, nothing left but raw muscle and tendons. The non-technical term for it is "Road Rash" and it hurts like a mother%^$*&@!! My tattoo didn't even hurt this bad.
I'll probably be getting the "Oh my God, you poor thing, that is disgusting" look from my boyfriend for a couple more weeks, but today, I can actually walk without wincing and the evil twin is gone.
