Tuesday, December 05, 2006
So, I feel good that I just vented all over blogland. A big step for me. But I want to learn how to not be so drained afterward (or even during). Suggestions anyone?
Drive Me Crazy
I think there was a Melissa Joan Hart movie to that title? This blog has nothing to do with that.
I am steaming mad at the roomate right now. I keep getting this lecture about how I need to pay rent. RIGHT NOW! I do need to pay rent. I'll agree to that and I will as soon as I have the money. I have been paid $521 by the yoga studio. I have to wait for it to be processed (48 hours). I've explained this to the roomate several times. She keeps making me feel like I'm fucking around. As if I realy do have the money, I just don't want to pay it. Completey pisssing me off.
I just got the "Don't be direspectful..." lecture. So angry about this.
Cut me some slack here. It is obovious that she sees the 48 hour waiting peroid as my fault, but there is little room to compromise for her. She could ask the landlord to not cash the check unitl later this week. Tell her the situation. I offered to talk to the landlord myself, that didn't go over well either.
She is making this out to be like I'm a repeat offender. Like we've been though this before. Not even close. I've never been late with my rent. NEVER. In fact while I was out of town I payed for two months (plus bills) up front. In September. I lived there for 20 days of the two months I payed for. I didn't have to do that. I wasn't obligated at all. I could have moved out.
And now I'me being treated like a freakin' criminal. GRRRRrrrrrr....
For My Big
Saturday, December 02, 2006
1. What are you proud of?
Myself. It's been a hard year, but I made it through, on top it all too!
2. What time do you wake up in the morning?
This morning I was up at 5:30am. Most days it's 7am.
3. If there was one person from your past that you could go back and talk to who would it be?
My grandmother.
4. Name 5 things in your freezer at the moment.
Cranberries
Cornish Game Hen
Bananas
Corn Muffins
Ice Cubes
5. Do you believe in afterlife?
Absolutely
6. what are 5 sites you visit daily?
Bolg and Releated Blogs
Yahoo Mail
MySpace (It's like crack)
Bank (Show me the Money!)
Half.com (Sad shopping fix)
7. 5 things you ate that you would never eat again?
Brussel Sprouts (Childhood Trauma)
Canned Stew
Anything from McDonalds (or the like)
Non-organic Apples
Tofu (Ick)
8. 5 things that make you sad.
People who are not kind.
People who don't believe in themselves
My parents getting old.
Fiore not being in my life.
Denial.
Readers Pick
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Warning: This blog is rated "R" for strong adult language
I wasn't sure what I should title this blog: Point of Contention or 20 Fucking Dollars. Read on and decide for yourself.
On Tuesday I went into my new job to fill out paperwork, get my badge, receive my uniform, blah, blah, blah.
I left truly overloaded with "stuff" I looked like a cartoon character that had been on a shopping spree, just the legs showing.
Molly the chatty HR lady that helped me, mentioned something about employee discounts. I didn't hear all of it, interference from the "stuff", so later that day I browsed though the employee handbook.
As a seasonal employee you don't get much. The pay usually sucks and no healthcare. We do get little perks here and there and the employee handbook is the best place to find them. Going down the list: 50% food, 25% retail, free ski lessons, $10/day ski rentals---WAIT WHAT?
$10 a day ski rentals!!! WTF!!! I'm still so 'effing angry about this. When I broke up with my former boyfriend, my parent were in the plane to come an visit me. I decided to wait until they left to break up with him (A whole five days). One thing at time right? And yes he was stuck doing the usual "parents in town stuff", dinner and a night out. My parents also went skiing at said resort and he offered to "take care of" their ski rental. I didn't ask, he offered. I felt slightly guilty, knowing the end result of the weekend. Still he offered.
When the break up did occur, it was not pretty. The ski rental and all the other things he had "done for my parents" was a huge point of contention. I was called some very ugly things which included, but not limited to: lying conniving dishonest using bitch.
I can take my lumps, fine, and maybe I should have broken up with him sooner, but my side of the situation was a pretty grey area. The ex on the other hand, FLAT OUT LIED TO ME AND THEN FUCKING BLAMED IT ON ME!!! HE MADE ME BELIEVE THAT HE HAD "WORKED OUT" THIS HUGE DEAL FOR MY PARENTS RENTAL ($80 or so), IN TRUTH HE DIDN'T PAY ANYTHING (except maybe in favors), AND IF HE HAD PAYED IT WOULD HAVE COST A WHOLE TWENTY FUCKING DOLLARS. TWENTY FUCKING DOLLARS!!!
I AM SO ANGRY!
Here is the number one way for me not to like you: Lie to me. I either know it off hand or eventually find out. The karmic world is good to me like that. I felt bad for my ex when we broke up. It was really hard for both of us. Sorry no more, my friends. The ex has moved to his rightful framework space: Genus, ASSHOLE Species, POND SCUM.
I already have my little speech for him if I do run into him at work (TWENTY FUCKING DOLLARS....!) I just hope that there are no small children or innocent bystanders.
Note to reader: If you haven't figured it out yet, DON'T piss me off. It will be ugly very very very ugly. I don't get angry often, but I make it memoralbe when I do. Just ask Bob my high school youth group leader. Still to this day he brings up the one time he saw me angry, and how it scared the shit out of him (his exact words).
Overtime From Pearlie
Monday, November 27, 2006
It's still snowing.
Today has been a strange day and can be summed up with the following: Caravan of four cars double park on the two lane road (snowy slippery)in downtown Truckee. In front of the yoga studio, where I work. Why? To stand outside in only sweatshirt and smoke cigarettes. Is it just me or does this seem really really wrong?
I was also reminded of my trip to SF. It was a good end to my vacation and I spent some time with an estranged friend. I also saw this:
Yes, my blogging friends that is a cat on a leash. Nothing too special. BUT....
Who was walking the cat? Good Question!
A transient person (i.e. a homeless man). It was probably the strangest thing I have ever seen. A cat on a leash, attached to a shopping cart full of stuff belonging to a man who was panhandling for money. Still puzzled.
It is just me or do cats look completely miserable on a leash? Just because you can do it, doesn't mean you should.
Like this:
Are we really that bored?
I seem to have a cat theme this week, too. Interesting...
PS-Pearlie, thanks(?) for landing you car in a ditch and getting your chain (in the most unremovealbe way) wrapped around the tire. I have enjoyed this guilt free overtime blogg.
PPS- I am nauseated at the number of cat themed sewater that people could wear (Why? Go, why?
For Reals
Sunday, November 26, 2006
It's snowing. WOOOHOOOOOO!!!!
Tomorrow I will have most of my ducks in a row. Winter jobs will be starting and I can pay my bills. I'm a little worried working at the resort that my ex works at. We didn't separate on the best terms. It's only a matter of time before we run into each other. I know this, he may not. Which makes me feel a sad for him. BAD BAD BAD habit. protecting the people I date. It's fierce and un-stopable. I've painted myself into a corner more than once. Maybe I should date someone I don't feel like that towards. OOOooo, I might be on to something. Yeah!!
My roomate will be out of town until Thursday, so I can have naked time when ever I want. I slept on the couch last night. It was pretty cold and the wood stove is our only source of heat. My little dog can only produce so much heat. Men are much better at keeping you warm at night.
I'm a little worrried about my sister. She seems depressed. I could think of a couple of reasons why, but I'm not sure how to approach the topic. I have a little experience here and I'm pretty sure "Hey, L I think you are depressed and should talk about it" won't go over well.
NOTE: If someone in you life is depressed DO NOT (I repeat DO NOT) advise them to "do something" about it. Here's why: 1. It takes all their energy to get out of bed in the morning. The last thing we need in another thing to do. 2. If they could fix it by just doing one thing, they would. 3. Something is so vague it makes thier head hurt even more. So what should you do? Any of the following: Tell them that you love them and really care about them. Ask them if there is anything that you can to to help. Offer to take them to see someone. And taking my own advice: Do not ignore that this person in you life is sad. Let them know what you see and how it affects you (rememeber to use nonviolent communication).
Maybe I will say something.
Making My Day
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Yeah, I'm absolutely sure I could have been doing something more productive than blog surfing. It totally paid off.
I found the Stuff On My Cat website. I laughed so hard at this picture, I cried. Can't remember the last time that happened. It felt good.
That cat will be killing someone in it's sleep. Still laughing.
Growing Out
Last night, I had my first massage appointment. It went really well and my client saved my ass. I can afford a turkey and some cranberries. Truly, thankful.
I was disturbed by the reaction of my friends. Yes, I went to a strange man's house to massage him. Yes, he could have raped/murdered me. Yes, I understand that you have my back and care for me.
BUT..
Really WTF!! I think it's a huge mistake to assume that anyone will behave in a certian way beacuse of their gender. Pisses me off. I cannot will not buy into the the "predator male" scare tatic that has been ingrained into our lives. Femminism goes both ways, it's all about respect and being equals. Being secretive about abuse and violence isn't goig to help to problem. Ideas and behavior that support the idea every one with a penis will potentially be violent towards me, won't help either. It just another scapegoat excuse that is easier to hold on to and defend than challenging ourselves to growing.
I love the men in my life. I love that they are kind good people that care. I love the fact I can lean on them and they lean back. I don't fear them, even as a stranger.
In the nick of time...
Monday, November 20, 2006
I decided last month that I will not be celebrating Christmas. I'm not Christan to begin with so celebrating "our saviors birth" seems a little fake. Kwanzaa are possiblities Hanukah, but I don't how to celebrate either one. I may have decided on the good old pagan holiday of Yule (i.e. Winter Solstice), true I have no clue how to celebrate this holiday, but pagans are pretty cool with making stuff up as you go along. That is until I discovered Gobal Orgasm Day (December 22, 2006). I can to this, have fun, not be stressed out, minimal chance of over eating/over drinking, no crowds to fight, no money to spend and possibly change the world. What is there not to love?
You can check out the founders blog here. Read the comments they are effing hilarious!!
Good Times
Here's a recent pic of me (in red) and my massage family.
From left to right: Andrew (Calss Clown), Joanna (Serious Teacher), Ciela (The Dancer), Fatty (Needs a little skin on his bones), Christine (The Journalist), Kristy (Funny Teacher). In front: Katie (Fellow Arian), Myself and Josh (The slightly neurotic one)
Cyberspace Snow Dance
1. Massage clients. It's no longer about the money. I cannot (CANNOT!) sit in front of a computer for eight hours a day. I'd rather shovel horse shit.
2. SNOW!!!!! I want to SKI!!! I have gas money, skis and my pass. Well, clothes too. All I need is the magic white stuff!! Please powder gods and goddeses (snow) shower down upon us and bless these humble mortals with freedom, speed and beauty.
Not just anybody...
Sunday, November 19, 2006
I've been sitting at a desk. My index finger now has a stress injury from all my internet surfing. Sunday's are pretty slow around here. I caught up on some shopping and stalking (see below).
The thing is that I'm on the verge of complete boredom. The massaging hasn't picked up yet and I have no money. I recieved charity quinoa (keen-wa) from my roomate. You know you are a hippie when your hungry, po' and as a hand out you get an un-pronouncealbe grain to live off for the next week.
I did carpe diem and having little or no food yesterday, did a gall bladder cleanse. Ick, right? Exactly. Let's just say the results were very interesting and not uncommon in the Land of Hydrogenated Fatty Foods. Save your gall bladder from the clutches of the evil surgeon and raise your glass of olive oil and lemon juice!!!!
So here are some new pictures of me. Ok, no photos just yet. Yahoo! isn't working. Blar.
I am metal and I am steel...
Laura and I went to see Bob Schneider on Wednesday. I was f&*%($*g awesome. Just a little crush. He cut his hair, too. Still hot.
My week hit a low on Thursday. Never use Sallie Mae, they fucked me over, big time. I need a Bob Fix.
A song titled: "All I want for Christmas is my Methadone". How can you go wrong?
Shelter Cove
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
I collected rocks today. Here....
The waves were huge and so beautiful. I didn't take this picture, but it's pretty close. Maybe a bit more rain, soggier shoes. I have a pretty good collection to start my Hot Stone Massage collection. I had a great day. Hopefully, the first of many to come.
On My Mind
Monday, November 06, 2006
I am struggling my way though this Hot Stone Intensive. Again and again my thoughts drift to one fear: I will be going back to Lake Tahoe. I will have to drive a car again. Shop at Safeway. See a television. Not loking forward to all the stress and distractions. I like my day simple. I like my food simple. I like my job simple. I like my life simple.
I also know that I can't hide forever. I had a place outside this world and it's still there for me. I just hope I'll make it through the re-entry phase.
I wish I could shut my brain off.
Moments Lost
Saturday, November 04, 2006
I have experienced the full rage of emotions these past few weeks. Even ones that I didn't think existed (i.e. "I wish she would stop poking my aura, it annoying the f**k out of me." and "I guess the Ruben sandwhich was o.k."). Right now the meter is pensive with a slight chance of anti-social behavoir.
Good news is I've finally gotten my shit together and went back to school. Massage school. My nickname in college wasn't "Magic Fingers" for nothing and is possibly another post all together, but I digress. I've just finished my intensive and started a week of Hot Stone training. I plan on getting "stoned" everyday this week.
Puns are what happen when you live on a commune (with out the pedaphile, werid religion/uniforms). I think sustainable living community might be a better description. I'm consistently enterianed. I have also discovered:
You can leave you stash out and no one will steal it. It will probably be truned to the lost and found with a announcement made at dinner for lost/found stash.
Shower/Bathing are optional yet it's not as bad as imagined.
You share a phone with 70 other people and always get you messages. It may be 3 days later, but a much better track record than your own family.
Clothing optional sauna/jacuzzi=Heaven
Sponatenous singing, humming and hugging. Sometimes even in the sauna/jacuzzi!!
You can have a past life and people are actually interested.
You never watch TV and don't miss it.
Ice Cream and Chocolate are delicacies (sp?).
For fun: you get high, eat a ton of sugar and dance off your sugar high to 12:30am.
Bedtime is usually 9pm.
You meet amazing people that will change you life.
You don't have to wear a bra ever again!!
The real world just sounds exausting.
Kim Needs....
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
I pulled this from a Myspace posting.
Type "(Your Name) needs" into Google and be amused at what is returned.
Here's what I got:
Kim needs to take off the gloves (....ummmm sure...)
I was hoping for something I actually needed like money, a new job, but no.
I have GLOVES!!
PS-I looked for a glove picture but ended up searching for "Kim needs" in Google images. I ended up looking at baby seal being clubbed to death. I think I'm going to be sick.
PPS- This ball glove pic came from The Sandalady. The sweet old lady fixing baseball glove almost made up for the seal clubbing trauma. (Shiver)
Word of the Day, vol 2
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Two well educated people (myself and my current crush) did not reconize this word. So, I thought it worthy to showcase it in "Word of the Day":
phenomenology
noun
1. the study of phenomena.
2. the system of Husserl and his followers stressing the description of phenomena.
or
noun
1. A philosophy or method of inquiry based on the premise that reality consists of objects and events as they are perceived or understood in human consciousness and not of anything independent of human consciousness.
2. A movement based on this, originated about 1905 by Edmund Husserl.
I will admit the idea that the only consciousness we percieve is the one we create as humans, is a litte deep for 9:00am, but it's fun to say fi-nom-uh-nol-uh-jee.
I'M FRRREEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Well mostly....
My hours at the Evil Snack Bar have been limited to three, eight hour shifts. I slept in this morning and yesterday morning too. I might even get to sleep in tomorrow. 9am is considered sleeping in. I'm wondering if my AARP card will arrive in the mail soon. NO wait I live in Truckee, I actually won't be getting that until my 75th birthday.
I missed my dreams. My fucked up Kubrick on LSD dreams. I love my dreams. It's like going to the movies, but better. No screaming children, not soggy popcorn, no commericals for real estate, no shelling out $12.95 for two hour of whoknowswhat. Ahhhh, dreams.
Went on a hike with my sister, too. It was awesome. Posting pics soon.
Discoveries to Love
Saturday, August 19, 2006
I wouldn't admit this outside Blogland, but I spend a lot of time on the internet at work. I don't know if this is OK or not. I do my actual work, I guess I have a lot of down time. I struggle with the guilt (Out, out damn guilt!!!) everyday.
A few new favorites I wanted to share:
RESCUE ME
I've never been interested in fire fighting, firefighters maybe:-), but there is something about this show that makes me watch every week. Surprise of the week: My sster contemplated being a volunteer firefighters. I'm still chewing on that.
PAWEL JONCA
The Seed, 2003
No clue where I found this guy. I find him inspiring with his combination of detail and humor. Beautiful, beautiful images.
DEVA PREMAL
accidentally discovered her 'dakshina' album. This woman has an truly amazing, pure and healing voice. Move over Enya.
NATALIE DEE
I know I've already featured Natalie in "Borgasm", but this woman is f^$&#*@ hilarious. Check out her blog for some good reading and a picture of Tom Cruise as a woman.
Throwing an Onion
Saturday, August 12, 2006
I read this "story" today on The Onion website. It's pretty dark , but hella funny.
Teen Drowns Right In Middle Of Grief Counselor's First Date In Two Years
August 11, 2006
ANKENY, IA—In a turn of events local grief counselor Maggie Hedrick described Tuesday as "typical" and "[her] life in a nutshell," the 32-year-old’s first date since entering her 30s ended abruptly Sunday when the lifeless body of Washburn High School sophomore David Schiller was found in nearby Big Creek Lake.
Enlarge ImageGrief Counselor
"The waiting is the hardest part," says Hedrick. "At least David's parents don't have to go through that."
Schiller, who could literally have chosen any other day in the last two years to achieve a reported blood-alcohol level of .22, fall out of his canoe, and ingest three gallons of water, opted to drown on the one evening Hedrick had plans to meet and have dinner with an actual single male.
"Why is it no one ever jumps off a building or dies in a car crash when I’m stuck playing solitaire at home?" Hedrick said. "I pulled weeds from my garden all day Saturday. Where were all the drownings of teenaged boys with their whole lives still ahead of them then?"
While Hedrick acknowledged that no one is ever prepared for a tragic loss of the magnitude of Schiller’s death, she said she should have nonetheless seen it coming, given her personal luck. "Helping family members through the grieving process is never easy," Hedrick said. "But it’s especially heartbreaking when you have to ditch a handsome guy who also happens to like early-20th-century architecture."
Teen Drowns Teen R
Schiller
Emergency rescue teams, working with what Hedrick called "speed and efficiency on a level I’d never before seen from them, of course," recovered Schiller’s body less than 40 minutes after Hedrick and substitute teacher Jeff Lindenbaum, 30, met for dinner at a local seafood restaurant. Approximately 15 minutes later, Hedrick received a call from Ankeny police summoning her to the scene of the accident, as if her immediate presence would somehow bring Schiller’s bloated, waterlogged corpse back to life.
A report issued Monday by the Polk County Coroner’s Office put Schiller’s time of death somewhere between the moment Lindenbaum arrived at Hedrick’s residence with a bouquet of fresh flowers at 6:34 p.m. and the very instant both realized that the other also had wishes to someday raise a family at 6:58 p.m.
"I don’t want to sound insensitive, but David’s parents will have the rest of their lives to mourn the death of their only son," said Hedrick, who claimed to have a "pretty good idea" how Howard and Janet Schiller felt when they heard the news. "Initial denial of a tragedy is a natural and understandable human impulse. What’s another two or three hours, in the grand scheme of things?"
"Don’t get me wrong, it would’ve been a whole different situation had the date been going badly. In fact, I would have probably welcomed Schiller’s death if that had been the case," Hedrick added. "But Jeff and I were really hitting it off."
Although Lindenbaum left a message on Hedrick’s voice mail late Sunday night, he has not called again since, leading Hedrick to fear that a rare opportunity for a serious relationship may have been "totally blown."
"David’s death has affected not only those who knew him, but also those who had never even met him," Hedrick said. "Not even once."
"I don’t know exactly how Howard and Janet are handling this, as I’ve been too busy wondering if Jeff will ever call me again to actually pay attention, but I imagine they must feel responsible on some level," continued Hedrick. "While it’s just a hypothesis, there’s a possibility that if both parents had paid more attention to their son, I would be getting laid right now."
"What a tragic waste of a night," she added.
History For One
Saturday, August 05, 2006
I am always amused when I read back over my blog/journal entries. Always. It gives me self-esteem a little boost, too. On paper I'm well thought out, intelectual and humouros. I've had a hard time feeling like that in real life, so it's good to know I haven't lost it somewhere. Highlights of the past round include:
Completely forgettiing that my nipple being bitten by a horse. See May 2005, I didn't make it up, promise.
Laughing at the agony I felt breaking up with Aidan and my list after list of resoning. I think I might be over it and from now on naked time is a must.
Four Things Times Nine and then Some
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Honest to Goddess truth: I like reading the "About You" Surveys, but I despise filling them out. I think I may have once sometime during college? (Hahaha...That's an excellent answer to any question you don't want to really divulge.) Thatgirl had recently posted this and I actually feel compelled to fill it out, enjoy!!
A) Four jobs I have had in my life
1. Receptionist at a Yoga Studio
2. Director of a Girl Scout Camp
3. Medical Assistant at a Choice Clinic and Planned Parenthood
4. Glorified Baby sitter (i.e. subsitute teacher, outdoor rec manager, dorm parent)
B) Four movies you would watch over and over that no one would ever guess:
1. Babe
2. L.A. Story
3. Waynes World 1 and 2
4. Napoenln Dynamite
C) Four places you have lived:
1. Michigan (Holly, East Lanising and Clarkston)
2. Illinois (Chicago)
3. Texas (Austin, Dallas)
4. California (Lake Tahoe-ish)
D) Four TV shows you love to watch:
1. Coupling
2. Girlfriends
3. Friends
4. Arrested Develpoment
E) Four places you have been on vacation:
1. Cozumel (Eat, Sleep, Lay on Beach Topless)
2. Rome (Amazing), Paris (Hot), London (Old Stuff Overload)
3. Yellowstone, Big Bend, Adarondacks, Gila, Tahoe
4. Washington, D.C. (Hands down the worst family vaca. ever)
F) Four websites you visit daily:
1. Yahoo
2. Myspace
3. IBM Texas Employees Federal Credit Union
4. Nevada County Library
G) Four of my favorite foods:
1. Gluten-Free: cake, doughnuts, pies, cookies, pasta (I have Celiac Disease)
2. Salmon with steamed veggies and rice
3. Any type of berry
4. Ice Cream (organic of course)
H) Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Having amazing sex
2. Swimming
3. Dancing in my living room
4. Hiking with my dog
I) Favorite Sports:
1. Hockey (To watch)
2. Skiing (In winter)
3. Hoseback Riding/Rock Climbing (In Summer)
4. Hide and Seek, Sardines and Red Rover (Because they never get old)
I don't know where J-Z is, so I made up some of my own.
J) Four place you've had sex besides your bedroom:
1. On the Beach
2. In the Media Room
3. At a Party
4. In a Shower
K) Four embarrasing moments:
1. Throwing up on the bus in 4th grade
2. Throwing up at my best friends 13th birthday party
3. Professional Bull Riders Competion (Reno, NV)
4. Temper Tantrum at Mammoth Ski Resort (Not pretty, but really funny. In my defense skiing with numb feet is impossible)
L) Four People you would like to meet:
1. My Soul Mate
2. Ani Di Franco
3. Dr. Alfred Kinsey
4. The First Woman President
M) Four things that make you feel like a kid again:
1. Dancing
2. Making that "squeaky" noise with your straw
3. Hanging out with my siblings
4. Camping
N) Four things you would like to do before you expire:
1. Pay off my school loans
2. Buy three houses
3. Live guilt free
4. Be a good person
O) Four personality traits you cannot stand:
1. People who are always the victim
2. Laziness
3. Any centric thinking
4. "I'm right your wrong" type of people
P) Four Personality Traist I admire about people:
1. Honesty
2. Courage: To do the right thing or to change themselves for the better
3. Kindness
4. Their ability to laugh at themselves
Q) Four pets you have had:
1. K.C. (dog)
2. Smugde (cat)
3. Fiore (dog)
4. Mixie (cat)
R) Four Pet Peeves:
1. Spitting
2. People who don't read signage
3. Bad Parenting
4. Messy Closets
S)Four things you look forward to this month (August):
1. Paying off my credit card bills
2. A weekend in Napa
3. Hanging out with my sister
4. Sleeping in and/or doing yoga
I only got to "S", my days of getting to know you/ice breakers are fading. Namaste.
Loopy History
Cleaning out the e-mails and found this one:
Scott,
I sent a mass e-mail to tell everyone this, but you
are special and get a personal e-mail. Hahaha. I
just didn't want you to be out of the loop. I moved
again. To California. Crazy huh? Been here about a
week. It's snowed 20+ inches. Fiore loves it. I love
it too. The job in Dallas wasn't for me. I can't
spend 10-12 hours in a kitchen and work 70 hours a
week. It's just not me. Let me know what is up in
your side of the country. Take care.
HUGS!
Keem
I feel like I need to justify recent actions, but only to myself. I have two jobs now. I work 80 hours a week now. 40 of them in a kitchen. The only excuse I can come up with is that Dallas is a hole and I was depressed. I feel better about myself, my life and my direction. I'm puzzled really. Something, so unhappy then is reaonable and exciting now. I never would have guessed.
Word of the Day
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
I suscribe to the word of the day on my Yahoo! account. Yes, I am a word geek and proud of it!! I've know all the words of the day for the past seven years. Today I was suprised I had never heard this word, but I think its a great adjective.
The word of the day is:
phlegmatic
definition: (adjective) sluggish and unemotional in temperament.
I like it because it sounds a lot like phlem. Not that I like phlem. But the word itself is very good at describing itself. I'm picturing a nasty cold that is sluggish to leave your nose. A person with a goober green aura (ick). Someone or some thing with a negative cool factor. ie said person walks into room and the cool factor drops to a negative scale. Exapmles include my sisters old roomate and Hitler.
The J1 Polsih guys from work are having a party tonight. I can't wait. I was promised where would be dancing!
1-2, Cha cha cha!
Quoting the Dead
Thursday, June 29, 2006
i have a confession: I have been advoiding my blog. Actively advoiding. My coping mechanism is to intenalize my thought and feelings. I guess I've defaulted. I know the importantce to "venting" to blogland. I just suck at taking care of myself.
In the news, my parents turned fifty. They were insanely young when they had me (a mistake/blessing) at 22. My mom still says condom as a swear word. Divorce is also said as a swear word. Come to think of it, I don't think she's ever said "gay" either.
I threw them a birthday party. A suprise birthday party. I think my stomach deserves an award for the shit I put it through the last couple of months and espically the last week.
First, I lied waaaaayyyy toooo much to the 'rents to pull this thing off. Second, it was wayyyyyyy toooo easy to lie to them. I did make easy on myself, I kept it mostly real with a bit if tweaking here and there.
When you are a kid you think that you can get away with lying, but you suck at it because you are six. When you're an adult however, it's not hard to do, but the guilt, oh, the guilt. I felt really bad for my parents.
I'm sitting in the parking lot at Hobby Lobby, two blocks from my parents house. I'm talking to my dad. I'm supposedly in LA waiting for my plane. I felt like a superhero with three different identities. I don't think I could ever work for the CIA or even be an actress. I have a hard time figuring out who I am on a daily baisis. Playing a part would be no good.
The party went over very well. Both of my parent were suprised. It was exactly how I imagined it.
I'm so glad it's all over, but at the same time....I keep wondering:
What the hell do I do now?
I don't really have anything to stress about. Money is good. Bills are mostly paid. I have a place to sleep and food to eat.
What a long strange trip it's been....
"32 Flavors"
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Squint your eyes and look closer
I'm not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
and I'm beyond your peripheral vision
so you might want to turn your head
cause someday you're going to get hungry
and eat most of the words you just said
both my parents taught me about good will
and I have done well by their names
just the kindness I've lavished on strangers
is more than I can explain
still there's many who've turned out their porch lights
just so I would think they were not home
and hid in the dark of their windows
til I'd passed and left them alone
And god help you if you are an ugly girl
course too pretty is also your doom
cause everyone harbors a secret hatred
for the prettiest girl in the room
and god help you if you are a pheonix
and you dare to rise up from the ash
a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
while you are just flying back
I'm not trying to give my life meaning
by demeaning you
and I would like to state for the record
I did everything that I could do
I'm not saying that I'm a saint
I just don't want to live that way
no, I will never be a saint
but I will always say
Squint your eyes and look closer
I'm not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
and I'm beyond your peripheral vision
so you might want to turn your head
cause someday you might find you're starving
and eating all of the words you said
Better Prospective
Friday, March 24, 2006
I found place. I feel a gillion times better. Everything else will fall into place. I'm pretty sure about that.
Just Remembered
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
It's "Eye Candy" Wedsenday. Ok, that isn't offical, but I need distraction in my stressful state. Internet=Distraction.
My sister and I watched "Pride and Prejudice" the movie. Not the 6 tape A&E version. I have to say I missed him. I missed Colin Firth. So here he is.
I was hoping to find him in a kilt (Check SFH Blog), but then I realized that he's English not Scotish. So here are a couple more:
and click here to see the best ones.
Hmmmm....
I just clicked on the next blog button just for fun. I got a whole lot of fun and porn on juliasloveguide.blospot.com. I'm really not sure what to think: My lucky day or Blogspot Smut?
For the record I'm undecided on the whole porn issue. Good, bad, other? Who knows?
A Little Bit...
...stressed that is. Or, should I say: STRESSED!!!!!
My lovely roomate has infomed me that she wants to live alone. She told me this a week ago. Our lease ends April 1st.
I have a full time job and no money. This could be explained if I had a drug, alcohol, gambling, shoe addicition. I don't. So I now have another job. With the man. Starbucks. Ok, they are still the man, but they have really good benis and they work with my other commitments. I get to arrive at work at 4am and drink all the coffee I want.
I am not a nice person sleep deprived and strung out on caffiene.
My previous employer (cough) forgot to take out for my federal taxes. My 1040EZ is all kinds of messed up from this.
My sister's car broke down. I get to play chauffer in my non existent spare time.
I wish I was in a better mood.
Really I promise I'm a nice person.
Lucky Me
Thursday, March 16, 2006
I have my sister's computer for the evening. I'm supposed to be doing taxes (Blar). Of course, bloggin is much more fun. It hard to stay away. It's been over a month. Blogland I miss you.
I just had an over whelming sense of guilt. I thought about what I wanted to write, but then I thought "That's not nice, you shouldn't say anything."
In defiance of my deep seeded guilt I will say it. There are many other things I haven't done in the past month. Having happy fun naked time, doing the hibbity dibbitty, enjoying naptime, etc. It's actually been more like five months. I broke up with the boyfriend at the end of January. You do the math.
I am at a crossroads here. Do I vent my frustrations of my previous relationship to the deep sea of blog? Who will read this? Will he read this? He can. Should that stop me? Is this helpful behavior or just an attempt to keep holding on? Do I even have a right to say (maybe possibly tarnished) things about my ex eventhough I ended the realtionship?
The problem is I did do the breaking up. It sucked. A LOT. I have not allowed myself the space to really recover. I feel like I should just be able to get over this. Move on the next day, right? It was my choice I should embrace it!!
There was an intensty in our relationship that left an abundance of psychological carnage. For both parties involved. That sucks, too. I know how much that this must of hurt for the other party involved. I have an empathy envelope that is truly inhibiting the recovery process.
Fuck it. My therapist appointment isn't until next week.
The thing is, I left that relationship because I had no identity. I didn't have much going into and I felt more lost than ever in the last months of our realtionship. Could I have stopped it? I didn't even know that it had happened. I'm not sure how or why or when. And the bigger problem is how do I get it back?
Ok that's only partly true. I know how it happened. Part of it was the sex. I can't apologize. The nice girl part of my wants to badly, but I need to leave this behind. I will say nothing more but this: I have a true identiy in my sexuality. I love that part about myself. I like sharing this part of myself with other worthy people. I feel that is the least poisioned and healthiest part of my psyche. I understand that the person you are with has thier issues and own needs. However, when someone does not want to have sex with you yet they are (supposedly) attracted to you feel ugly, unwanted and hideous. I feel hideous, unwanted and unattractive. The one part I felt confident and healthy about I couldn't even express. What little self esteem I had has been dissolved. I had nothing left.
My deepest fear is that I will be called shallow and selfish for this choice. And in my fucked up little world, I guess I would be. I'm trying to change that world thoes rules that I didn't make, but had to obey just to survive. There is no thriving or living in the world I came from. Just pain, survival and getting by.
I can't do that any more I can't. I might not be the nice girl anymore.
Ohio
Thursday, February 09, 2006
I never thought I would be writing a post about Ohio. Why? Well, Ohio is lacking in many many ways. I can count on my hand the number of cool things there are to do in Ohio.
#1 Cedar Point
#2 The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame/Museam
#3 Lake Erie (Minus the Zebra Mussels. Oh, I wouldn't eat anything you catch.)
#4 My Aunt lives there?
#5 Well, I couldn't even come up with five.
It's pretty darn boring and unexciting. People living in Detroit make fun of Ohio. Most of Midwesterns do too. It's sad.
But who do people from Ohio make fun of?* I was blown away when my co-worker born and raised in Ohio (By the way, Detroit was a vacation destination for them growing up.) Laid into, very very passionately: The Amish. Yes, the Amish. She went off on the Amish! I couldn't believe it! The Amish.
Now, I will say she had a point that no culture or sub-culture is a perfect Utopia. We have a view that the Amish have chosen a "better/purer" life. Which may not be the case, but picking on the Amish, just dosen't seem fair. They have a culture that has sustained itself without the all technological hoopla (or most of it).
I'm still a little confused about all this. Ohio and the Amish, I never would have thought.
*This is, of course not based on fact, just recent suprising experience.
Living Single
Thursday, February 02, 2006
I am offically single again. It's public. I broke up with the boyfriend.
I would like to give you the play by play, but the truth is break-ups suck and this one wasn't really any different.
Why? Honeslty, I outgrew the realationship or the realtionship wasn't growing as fast as I needed. "It's not you it's me" guised as another phrase.
I'm much sadder about the whole thing than I thought I would be. Eventhough, I was the breaker.
I'm not glad to break-up with someone, but the timing was right espically since rest of the week has been a blur.
The Mighty Escort died. Stranded on the side of the road. It wasn't worth fixing it. So, I found myself wearing the first time car buyer hat. I would like to flat out (Well, at least in cyber space) tell my father he was wrong, the car I got was a good deal and I even talked the dealer down from the asking price. I went with my intuition and feel good about my decision. Being informed is good, but there is a balance between the brain and the gut.
I am now the proud owner of a 2001 (new to me) Subaru Impreza Outback. I guess I'm in love again!! At least I know the break-up probably won't happen until after I pay it off (ouch).
PS-There needs to be a better phrase than break-up. It sounds like you had a realtionship with a china tea cup, not a person. Dissolved? Clean up? Downsized? Any suggestions?
One Love
Thursday, January 26, 2006
My parents are in town. That means a lot to the peeps out there who have acutally met my parents. Or better yet: Been yelled at by my father or stuffed full of cookies by my mother. The long and short of it.
A couple weeks ago I battled with a week long depression. My remission has been excellent lately, but the holidays brought on some blues. Honestly, I would take a shitty week over the mind numbing years that I've previously experienced.
Depression? Parents? Where is this all going? Today has scientifically proven that my parents make me depressed. I can't escape the bleakness. It's amazing that I've never made this connection before.
Synopsis:
Mom-- She was raised to be the perfect wife and mother. Doting and sacrificing everything for her husband and children. She has no identity. She can't decide what pants to wear.
Dad-- Recovering Acolholic. Starting over career. Template type A personality. Busy but only really distracted. Really, really, really, lucky that his children still talk to him.
Three minutes into the movie it you know nothing good is going to happen. (Thinking of Mystic River, Godfather, Monster?) I grew up in this plot. Sad, sad life where people are strong armed by expectations and obligations. Happiness is a luxury.
Harshly critical? Maybe. But I see it objectivly. It is what it is. I can only change and improve myself. I am truly sad that I see my mother and father as older people in my life, not my parents. Strange and true.
I'm just glad I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow.
